DD so hurt due to DHs behaviour

[Annieoz]

My STBXH had an affair for 13 months, confessed last October, I took him back in November then found out beginning Jan he was still obsessed with the OW. So we ended when he walked out saying I couldn't move on!! The mistress, on finding out he had left me, told him in no uncertain terms she was no longer interested. Shame!

Divorce proceedings have been started, mediation starts this week to sort out all the hellish finances. He has lost two jobs now because of OW and is currently out of work and doesn't seem to be bothering to get another one, so no money other than pitiful amount of child maintenance, gives no help around the house or garden - yet wants half of everything. Needless to say solicitors is costing me a fortune - which I don't have - whilst he gets it all on legal aid

I can just about cope with all of this on a good day - he walked away without a seeming care in the world, walked away from all his responsibilities, moved in with his sister and within 5-6 weeks was seeing another woman, claiming she was "just a really good friend". She WAS his other sister's best friend - now ex. He stopped his own best friend and wife going to a cricket do last week because he proudly paraded the OW around and they told him they were not prepared to meet another one of his mistresses yet. She is a slut, and that's just no my bitter view of her, but some members of his family.

Aside of all the hideous feelings I have about this person I used to love unreservedly and devotedly for nearly 22 years, he has nothing to do with our 17yo daughter. He sends, if she's lucky, a pitiful text each week saying along the lines "hi princess, how you doing".

My darling daughter is so hurt by his actions - not only the affair, but his behaviour towards me since - absolutely hateful, violent, vindictive, spiteful and he plays a realy good mind game.

He accuses me of poisoning my daughter and our friends against him. I don't need to, he's managed to do this all himself. I have never stopped anyone, including daughter, from seeing/talking to him.

Problem is, she refuses to have ANYTHING to do with him or his family (all but one have nothing to do with us, so sad). This absolutely breaks my heart, they used to be so close. She has refused to live with him, even at weekends (not that there's any room in his tiny room at his sister's), visit them or even answer texts and emails. The current mistress has 3 kids of her own - how dare he spend time with hers and not his own. I simply can't understand it.

My family and friends tell me there is nothing I can do - I offer to take her to see him/them every week but she refuses. I know she's almost an adult, but it is so upsetting me I'm getting in a right old state.

He doesn't try, in my opinion, anywhere near hard enough to try and reconcile with her. He just sulks when I tell him so and says, in a very childish way "well she won't talk to me, she doesn't answer my texts or emails". I've even suggested he comes to the house and surprises her - told her this and she said she would walk out

Anyone have any ideas, or should I really just leave her to it.

[BitOfFun]

Leave her to it- it's up to him to repair the relationship, and she's old enough to know her own mind. Just try to be supportive of her and shelter her a little if you can from his twattishness.

[FabIsGoingToGetFit]

I feel sorry for your dd but really, why should she stop seeing the rest of his family? They haven't done anything wrong unless they are supporting his affairs.

[thedollshouse]

I think you should leave it, it is up to your daughter when and if she chooses to see him. You could suggest to your ex husband that he puts his feelings in a letter to your daughter.

Definitely don't do the surprise visit, my father used to turn up unexpectedly and although I didn't feel any amniosity towards him I can't explain how unsettling this was it made me feel very anxious.

[moviegirl]

have absolutely no experience of dealing with teenagers (my DC is only 8) but I would perhaps leave it for a while

She is 17, not stupid and knows who is to blame here - her dad. It is sad but untimately it is her decision. I wouldnt try and make her see him anymore. Just concentrate on being there and supporting her and enjoy what time you get with her.

If she wants to see him she will decide in her time - like most teenagers being told she should do something is like a redrag to a bull so leave it alone.

He is the one who has to build bridges - let him do that - it is sad but you may have to face the fact that he is going to slip out of her life forever - terrible - how can people do that to their own children, but not uncommon.

The love and support you give her will see her through.

dont know if that helps but just my views

[daytoday]

My parents split up when I was 17, similar circumstances. Looking back, I think I felt too much loyalty to my mum. Also, my dad was a mess for a while. I think what would have helped me is for my mum to say - your dad loves you so much. Maybe talk about when she was born, stories about days out when she was a child. The lovely things her dad did with her. Often when your parents split you loose those lovely memories of your childhood. My mum rarely talks about my childhood with my dad. Explain to her that life is complicated, you love her, he loves her - things WILL change over time. She will take great comfort from your composure.

I bet she is shell shocked, rejected and confused. She does need to express her anger - but also, maybe remind her of some good times?

[LittleMissHissyFit]

I was 17 when my dad left. I barely knew my mum up to that point, i was a total daddies girl.

I refused to speak to him for a while, I was so hurt, i felt abandoned. In time I came round. I had to grieve for the death of the relationship.

Just be there for her, tell her you love her, and that her dad loves her too, but that she is entitled to feel anger towards him.

There is no rush.

Give it time, and just support her to know that it doesn't mean anything is wrong with her.

[Tanga]

Have you suggested counselling to her? There are some places that do free counselling for children affected by divorce and it would give her a chance to talk to someone not emotionally effected by the whole thing, someone neutral.

It's perfectly normal for her to be profoundly shocked by the end of her parents marriage, and to be protective of you, but even at 17 I think you should encourage her to see her Dad. His appalling behaviour hasn't wiped out all the years of being a Daddy to her and if she doesn't see him, what will that achieve? Only more bitterness and anger all round.

[Annieoz]

Thanks for all your views. I'm not laying any guilt or blame on her (stupidly on myself, yes - after all that's what ex has made me believe that him having an affair was all my fault!).

The reason why she has nothing to do with the majority of his family is because they don't have anything to do with her (or me and this upsets and bewilders her). These are the people that, when we first separated, said they would support us both, do whatever they could for us . . . all the usual tripe. THEY do not bother with HER and this hurts her like her father not bothering with her.

I merely wanted other people's opinions on whether I am doing the right thing by respecting her wishes that she doesn't have anything to do with him and let it be. I feel so helpless that there's nothing I can do (other than taking a knife to the bastard!).

Like my therapist said, there's no guide or rule book to my situation, same as every other poor soul who has/is gone through this heartache. Sadly I'm one of those muppets who puts everyone else first!

She has had counselling at college, but I don't know to what extent because she simply won't talk about it.

I guess the bottom line is I absolutely cannot understand how he can just walk away from his daughter - and not even try to make it up to her. She has emailed him with her feelings and he turned it all around on to me and was so pathetic, which she is SO disgusted with.

[traumaqueen]

Firstly, you are both very very angry at the moment which is never good for long term thinking.
Secondly, she is 17 - an adult - and in the process of forming her own adult relationship with her dad on the basis of her own feelings and experiences rather than what other people think and do. Lots of kids fall out with their parents at this age.

FWIW, when DH and i split DD and DH had a massive falling out - she didn't see him for about 6 months, he threw all her stuff out of his home, and I spent loads on expensive counselling to bring them back together. All completely pointless. Now three years later, she is the apple of his eye.

Like everyone says, respect her feelings and give it time. If he's a long term wanker she would have worked it out for herself anyway.

[traumaqueen]

OOPS sorry mods long term

[ajt27]

I think your daughter should still see her dad. There is no point her barbouring sresentment against him - it isn't constructive and may affect her future relationships. A similar thing happened to me when I was 17. I do wish that, rather than taking sides with my mother, my brother and I had been encouraged to have a relationship with my stepdad after he left. The troubles in my parents' relationship were theirs, not ours. I feel we were rather overly drawn into it a bit - you might want to guard against that. Good luck!