"The kids adore their dad"

[ItsGraceAgain]

This OP doesn't require an answer. I keep reading "The kids adore their dad" as a reason for staying in a poor relationship. It's triggered a personal memory. Some grown-ups were talking in the living room. I was in the playroom with my brother (that makes me 10 or under, as we didn't have a playroom after that). A visitor said "Those children worship their father!" My brother and I looked at each other with precocious sarcasm - learned at an early age - "We worship him because he tells us to!", we sniggered to each other.

That was true in my house (he went through a phase of making us call him "Master", the wanker.) Nonetheless, it might be worth remembering that all children 'adore' their parents, simply because they're hard-wired for it. This does not necessarily mean the kids have made a balanced judgement that their parent is adorable. They're children; the parents they've got are the only ones they know.

It's more reasonable to look at how much give-and-take of love, affection and respect there is between parent and child. Balanced judgements can be made by you, the parent, because you have the benefit of wider knowledge & experience. How the child appears to feel about its parent is, in & of itself, a reflection of a child's instincts: nothing more. You need to look at grown-up evidence.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Excellent post, Grace. It is an important point for women with abusive partners to remember: that while children may 'love' an abusive parent, they may also be terrified of him and sad because he shows no love to them.

[SusieCarmichael]

wow! very good post, i will bump this in the morning if i remember.. more people need to see this i think

it really made me think. thank you grace

[abouttoleave]

greetin

[abouttoleave]

me that is

[FrazzledDad]

I believe my kids adore me (they also adore their mum). This wasn't a good enough reason for me to stay in a bad relationship that was taking its toll on my sanity however. The DCs still adore us both despite us being separated.

[coldtits]

Also

"The children adore their father" - they can carry on adoring him after a separation, and they will have a whole weekend to adore him all to themselves.

And "but he says if we split up he won't see the children any more" fathers who do that are actually doing their children a favour in the long run, because no child needs to be exposed to that level of self-interest in a parent.

[Bonsoir]

Indeed, children can adore a parent (or grandparent) who actually does them no good at all, ever.

[HerBeatitude]

What you're posting is so obvious and common sense that it is very sad that it even needs to be said.

It does, however, often and loudly, because too many people don't have an inkling of it.

[Majestic]

completely agree with all said in OP and replies. I'm also often intrigued by what some mothers consider a Great Dad. To me a Great Dad also equates to a supportive coparent not just someone who has an hours rough and tumble.reading, game playing etc. As for after a separation - my sister does a week on and a week off with her ex. was hard at first for the parents but both have new partner now and love that time together! their DC enjoy the stability too.

[TotalChaos]

good post Grace.

[LittleMissHissyFit]

Thank you Grace, you have reminded us of what needed to be said.

[mrsboogie]

Master

quite often the more horrid the parents are the more their children appear to "love" them. Its born of desperation and is very bad for those children.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Yes and what we all need to remember is that if a man is being an utter shit to their mother, belittling her at every turn, he is NOT a "great Dad". The children learn that it is normal for men to treat women in this way - and the effects are disastrous.

[HerBeatitude]

I remember an old Scottish bloke I used to know years ago (he's dead now) saying "the best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother".

It's always been recognised that belittling, undermining etc. has been harmful - that bloke was born in the 1920's. Yet it's still so widespread and accepted.

[cheerfulvicky]

Awesome post, thanks Grace I agree totally.

[ItsGraceAgain]

bumped for relevance