Dumping friends - is it normal, or a sign there is something wrong with me?

[sparechange]

I've got a pretty tight group of friends, most of them I've known for 5+ years and I'm generally very good about staying in touch etc and consider myself to be a good friend. Always available if someone needs to talk, needs help, that sort of thing. I know them all through slightly different ways, but quite a few of them have since become friends through me, if that makes sense?

In the last 12 months, I've fallen out with 3 friends enough to cut all contact with them. Not massive rows, but they've each done something which has made me think they aren't worth being friends with any more, so I've deleted numbers and not invited them out/over/tried to see them.

I didn't think there was really anything wrong with this. People fall out, people move on, but yesterday, I was talking to a colleague about his wife, who has just fallen out with her mum. He said that it hadn't come as a massive shock, because the mother is "the sort of person who cuts people out if they do anything to cross her, or upset her. She has always been like that - very narsasistic"

I'm now really paranoid that I am one of those people. While I am obviously a believer in second chances, I also feel I need to be able to fully trust my friends, so if someone does something to betry that trust, I don't want to have much to do with them anymore.

Is this normal? Or do I need to have a long look at my attitudes towards other people?

[tinierclanger]

I think without being more specific about what happened, it's hard to say. People would have to do something pretty bad for me to cut them out completely, although I have let people drift away. But then I don't have a huge number of friends as I set the bar quite high on what I consider to be a friend. Maybe you have more in your circle in the first place?

[templemaiden]

I dumped my best friend about 7 years ago. The final straw was that she said something very bitchy to me on my birthday and made me cry. Sounds childish but we were both about 30 and it really was a nasty remark.

That plus over events over the previous year or so, basically her taking me for granted, me making all the effort in the friendship, made me decide it was time to call it a day. She emailed me the next day with a brief "sorry"! but I ignored it and never got back in touch with her, nor her me.

A couple of years ago her dad died so I sent a card of condolence with my current phone number in it, but she never got in touch.

You don't have to put up with crap from so-called friends but whether you are being unreasonable or not does depend on why you are dumping them.

[activate]

surely a true friendship allows mistakes and arguments and you get over it

you've just cut off aquaintances not friends

it does sound a little narcisstic but not enough info

[Uriel]

What sort of thing did your friends do?

I've recently been upset by a friend of mine who was horrified to find I use Mumsnet. What she said really hurt and I'm finding it difficult to look forward to seeing her again.

[BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny]

It's a hard life, I think it's worse if there's 'friends' in it who bring upset and misery with them. They are not really friends, it's OK for people to choose who is in their life and who isn't, it's nothing to do with being a narcasist, it's about self preservation. You should never feel obliged to be friends with people who hurt you or offend you, no one deserves this. People do change as they get older aswell, drinking pals may not be the right people to hang about with when you have children for example.

I tell ds that throughout his life he'll meet different people, some will stay only for a little while, like the people he'll chat to in a pub for a couple of hours, others will stay for a little longer, a very few will stay friends for life. Every person brings something different to your life, they are not all destined to be there forever though, time will tell and time has helped you to realise who's important and who isn't.

[sparechange]

Friend 1 - has been having an affair with someone we both know. When she told me, I said I was pretty uncomfortable about it because I know her husband, but hoped she was happy etc. 3 months later, I found out she had been telling her husband she was with me everytime she wanted to the the OM. I found this out when her husband called me asking to speak to her, as she had left her phone at home. Luckily I missed the call and just got a voicemail, but when I asked her what was going on she confessed to having been using me as the cover story.

Friend 2 - invited her over to dinner with my family. She got really drunk and tried to start an argument, so I asked her to leave. Then found out she had told other mutual friends I was racially abusive to her, which is complete and total nonsense. Thankfully, none of the mutual friends believed it and told me what she'd said

Friend 3 - rather complicated, but lied about something which could potentially have got me into a lot of trouble at work, which they knew when they did it, but wanted to cover their own cockup

[sparechange]

Should probably add that none of them have ever apologied. Friend 1 hasn't really made any attempt to get in contact since, and 2 and 3 tried to carry on like nothing happened, sending me emails and texts inviting me out etc, which I haven't responded to

[EndangeredSpecies]

the word friend has to be the most over-used word in the English language, next to "the".

Nothing narcissistic at all about knowing where your boundaries, standards and self-respect are.

[WhatFreshHellIsThis]

They don't sound much like friends to me!

Real friends don't behave like that. You're not dumping friends, you're just not staying in touch with nasty people.

[tinierclanger]

Ok, I think you've just been unlucky. Don't worry about it.

[Uriel]

You haven't done anything wrong, op.

I think cutting people out is only done to protect ourselves from hurt, isn't it? Surely narcissistic people always want other people to be around, for the drama?

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Sparechange do you have a core handful of friends whom you know very well though - and therefore it would be deeply unlikely that they would behave in the way that these former friends did? If the answer to that is "yes", I don't think it's a problem at all.

Rather than worrying about narcissistic traits in yourself, give some thought to your antennae when making new friends...I'd imagine if you think back, there were "clues" to these former friends' characters that you may have overlooked.

The behaviour of these friends was in each case, a sacking offence - and it is good that people can see your morals and boundaries.

We all have our "bottom line" with friendships and I know in the past I have "vetted" newer friends about their views on issues that I cannot compromise about. So for example, anyone with racist views could never become a friend, I also struggle with meanness or vanity....you get the picture.

Perhaps your vetting process needs sharpening up?

[AuntieMaggie]

Yep I probably would've got rid of them too.

Hope you have better luck with your other friends.

[sparechange]

Thanks all! I've known all of them for years and they've been pretty normal up until then...

Friend 3 definitely had warning signs - always been a bit of a drama queen and needed to be the centre of attention to the detriment of other people, but apart from that was quite normal.

I'm quite relieved you don't think I'm in the wrong. I don't know why my collegaues comments stuck in my head so much. Maybe it is because I rarely fall out with people, so to do it 3 times in quick succession is a bit odd

[BenHer]

Perfectly normal and healthy.Emotionally exfoliating!

[MrsC2010]

I have recently made concious decisions to not pursue certain friendships, I realised that all I felt was wound up, attacked or cross when I left their company and life is too short for that!

[giveitago]

Oh gosh - doesn't ound good.

Gotta say I've had my good friends for over 20 years - and it's a small group of people. I've never fallen out with them - we've never been bitchy, used each other for cover etc. There has been the odd comment from one of them re kids but it's just her pain at not having children (and we're in our 40s here). They never just 'big me up' or take my side - they give me proper advice and tell me when I thing I'm wrong. I trust them implicitly and they trust me.

These are my friends.

I think you've just dumped some fun passers by. Don't feel bad.