DH wants to separate but I don't understand why!

[vidia]

I am hoping someone who might have seen/experienced something similar can shed some light on this. DH has told me today that he wants to separate from me.

Me and DH have been together for 11 years, married for 9 years and have DS (4) and DD (2). I am a SAHM (we both wanted this whilst the kids are still preschoolers) and DH works long hours (his choice).

Since DS was born, DH has been a crap husband and father. The usual - not changing nappies ever for either child, not ever helping in the night, working late and never supporting me etc etc, I'm sure you know the type!). So I became resentful but resolved that we would try and fix things as it is a tough time when kids are small. Anyway, fast forward to now when the kids are 4 and 2. I discover he has been seeing another woman and I confront him - he admits it as I have hard evidence and he can't deny it. I spoke to the OW calmly and she said that it was quite a new office thing and that she was not in that deeply and she would end it with DH as she knew it was shitty and wrong (she is a single mum and her XH did the same to her). She duly ended it with my DH today.

Despite the fact that OW has told DH that he should stick with his family, DH has said that he does not love me and wants to separate and go and live in a flat on his own. When asked why, he cannot cite a single reason. He says that I am kind, I am an excellent parent and that I am physically attractive and that I have not done anything wrong (!!!). Of course, I am not perfect, I am just an ordinary person but DH cannot tell me anything that I have done that has caused this. I could write a list of his imperfections, yet he is the one dumping me. He is extremely arrogant, has no regard for the feelings of others and always takes what he wants. He doesn't help practically in any way.

Re sex if it is relevant to this discussion - I generally want more than him, he admits to having a low sex drive (constant for the 11 years). The only time when we had no sex for long periods of time was when I was pregnant both times. At the moment, we have a bit, not as much as I would like, but he seems satisfied with not much. Bizarrely the OW said the same thing about him.

So what have I done that is so bad to cause DH to walk out on not only me, but our 4yo and 2yo as well? Can anyone make any sense of this?

He is definitely not going to move in with OW when he moves out. OW has told him not to contact her again and she actually has a DP of her own anyway. DH just says he doesn't love me so he wants to walk out on us. He is in a hotel at the moment (and I am cross about the waste of money!).

[jasper]

Sorry to hear about your situation.
YOu need not have done anything bad for him to leave.
You may never make any sense of it.

[vidia]

I think you may be right and I find it so frustrating that DH is trashing my life and the lives of our kids and he cannot give any reason apart from "he doesn't love me and he doesn't want to try to, although he is very fond of me"

Surely the fact that he thinks I am a nice person is enough to make him stay and try and love me given that the kids are so small? I didn't realise people leave their kids for such superficial reasons.

[CelticStarlight]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this but if you read your post it does sound as if you don't like him very much - and if he is as bad as you say I don't think I blame you.

You're not really getting what you want from this relationship, he is selfish and uninvolved and he doesn't want to sleep with you as much as you would like. Add his infidelity, lies and general untrustworthiness and I can't really see why you want to be with him - apart from the fact that he is your children's father.

I would have a think about whether you really want him back or whether you are just frightened of change, because it does sound as if you are very unhappy with this man.

[Casmama]

Sorry you are going through this. You mention that you have been resentful and presumably unhappy, perhaps he has been feeling the same and the love seems to have died for him. I hope I am wrong but not sure that there ever needs to be one big thing that leads to a marriage break up - sometimes a gradual distancing and lack of joy.

I hope this is just a temporary problem and that you can find a way back to each other.

[vidia]

Yes, you are right Celtic. I do find it hard to like him because his behaviour is so bad. There is one reason that I want to be with him aside from the fact that he is the father of my children and it is that we used to be so happy. I don't understand why we can't be like that again.

You are right as well Casmama - it has been a gradual thing and it is the result of not seeing enough of eachother.

[SolidGoldBrass]

He doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you any more. Sorry, but that's all there is to it and the only thing to do is accept it and concentrate on rebuilding your life without him as your partner. You can't make someone love you, trying to is a miserable waste of time and disastrous for your self-respect.
Best of luck.

[Eurostar]

You say..."He is extremely arrogant, has no regard for the feelings of others and always takes what he wants. He doesn't help practically in any way."

He doesn't seem to want a family life. Was he keen on the idea of children before you had them? Kind of suprised he agreed to DC2 after being so non-engaged with DC1.

It's very sad for you and the children but sounds like he does just want to get on with his life without being bothered by a family.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Vidia Sometimes things are obvious to an outsider looking in - but from what you've said, the OW ended it with him at your request - but I imagine he still wants a relationship with her. It seems starkly and painfully obvious that this is why he wants to end the marriage. Perhaps he thinks that if he leaves, it will show her enough faith that he is serious about her? It is telling that you don't mention how he felt about her ending the relationship.

What ever his reasons, he has made a decision. You perhaps need to stand back and really question why you want a relationship with a man who has given you so little support, is lazy, selfish, has never met your sexual needs and furthermore betrayed you? You are worth more than that Vidia!

This could be a blessing in disguise if you did but know it. I'd always advise people coming out of a relationship to spend time on their own for a while, getting to know oneself properly and being selfish to an extent. I'd also advise some counselling to help you grieve for the loss of this relationship and perhaps help you get to the point when you can accept.

But it might also help you to project a future with a partner who respects you, pulls his weight domestically, makes you laugh, desires you intensely, loves your children and meets all your sexual needs. He is out there in the future - as long as you resolve never to put up with second best ever again.

[zazen]

Let him go. He doesn't sound like much of a catch TBH, I mean even his mistress has given him the boot.
You get to keep your own memories you know - all those happy times - they won't suddenly disappear just because he's living somewhere else - they are in the Past.

Good luck - you sound lovely BTW, but I wouldn't spend much time trying to win someone back who has shown you so little respect or love, and who has so clearly no regard for your feelings, or those of your children.

You deserve better, and it's time to stop thinking about HIM, time to start thinking about what you want.

[MrsGuyOfGisbourne]

Vidia, just to say that you do sound like a lovely person - you have done all the right things - and your dealings with the OW are admirable. The sad thing is this is a very common story after DC, but in most cases the DH does not leave home but stays resentfully and everyone has a miserable life, with the DW trying to make things good for the family and the DH grudgingly going along with it but making it plain that he's there under sufferance and would rather be elsewhere.
A close relative was in that situation for years, finally told him after seven years of this treatment (12 years of marriage)that she had had enough. They split last summer, it was very tough for her and her DDs, but she no longer had to live with someone who did not love her and reminded her constantly of that by ommission of kissing and cuddling, sneering looks etc, not anything specific enough to pin down just relentess underminiing and disrespecting.
She does not have another partner but has more confidence, has lost a little weight, changed her hairstyle , tiny changes - looks ten years younger and wishes she had been decisive earlier before years of being belittled, and the DDs witnessing that drip-drip contempt. The bitter irony (and I have seen this elsewhere) is that inevitably ( what a cliche!) now the exdh wants to come back - too late - what a waste!!!
They aren't yet divorced - her close friends are terrified she will let him back.

[HappyWoman]

firstly dont believe a word he or ow say - i think he has moved so he can 'prove' to her he is out of the marriage. Why would she now tell you the truth when she must have known before that he was married - its damage limitation i am afraid. And now that he has left she can feel justified in having a relationship with him agian.

Sorry that sounds harsh but you will have to let him go.

Now you need to show him quickly just what it is like to be a single dad. Make him have the dc regulary and overnight too. Forge your own life (he will hate that more than you realise).

Go and see a solicitor quickly before he wastes anymore of your money on hotel bills.

It may not be the end but at this time he is not ready and you have to protect yourself and dc.

[ZZZenAgain]

I'm sorry I don't really know what is driving him but I have a feeling he has moved out to punish you for speaking to OW and thus prompting her to end the relationship. He was enjoying the affair and not ready to end it.

Some men don't seem to like domesticity all that much. Maybe he is one of those and a family with dc is something he liked more when he was imagining it than he does in reality. Not because of anything you have or have not done but he may not be much of a fatherly type. Does he love the dc, enjoy being around them even though he has never helped you with the work involved in having them?

[junglist1]

If it as the above posters are saying then he's a very cruel man.

[beanlet]

It's really too early, on the same day he's left you and you feel angry and hurt and abandoned, to decide that from your POV it's over, he's a w&%$er and that you're going to move on without him.

Do you still love him on some level? Do you still want to be with him? I ask that because reading between the lines it sounds as if you do: despite the OW, you are struggling to understand why he would want to leave you and your children, and to me this sounds like from your point of view your relationship can't have been so bad that it was no longer worth working on, even after you found out about the affair.

You can't make him love you, and you can't make him come back if he doesn't want to. If you possibly can bear it, just try to let him work out what he wants on his own for a bit. In a few days or weeks, you might find that he is regretting walking out on you and your DCs.

In that case, if you even think you might want him to come back, and you might want to have another go at it, you are going to have to find some way of finding out the reasons why he wants to leave. The fact that he wants to do so even when he no longer has the prospect of being with the OW suggests it might be something more fundamental than the affair, even if he can't or won't articulate it to you at the moment. I think that means some serious relationship counselling -- and willingness to listen to what he has to say. I'm not suggesting you've done anything wrong at all, though as you say, none of us are perfect. But even if his perspective of you is totally skewed and he has misunderstood you completely, you still need to find out what the blockage is, and try to work out how to get past it if you want your relationship to survive.

In other words, if you think there is even a possibility you might want to have another go with him, don't do anything drastic right now that would be completely impossible to fix, even though you are totally justified in feeling desperately hurt and angry and confused.

On the other hand, sadly, it may just be that he's a philandering cad who wants to be with the OW, is angry with you for speaking to her, and thinks she'll come running now he's "free". There is absolutely nothing you can do in such a situation, and you really do just have to let him go and get on with your life.

[AnyFucker]

Good Lord. let him go

What are you hanging on for..he has made his feelings very clear

You have been very, very reasonable...much more than I would ever have been

Now please, apply some of that clear-sighted reason you obviously have within you to yourself and dc's

He doesn't deserve you and you are hankering after something that just doesn't exist any more

[FourOfFour]

I agree with SGB - he doesn't love you any more that that is really all you need to know.

It's probably cold comfort, but at least he has the decency to tell you this upfront, rather that oscillating between you and OW for years, claiming all the while to be 'confused' - now that really is cruel.

FWIW, my P prior to meeting DH did just this to me, explained to me very calmly one day that he liked me a lot and that I was a good person, but that he just didn't love me.

Naturally, I was gutted and spent a good 6 months analysing what I had done 'wrong'. Fact is, it was nothing that either of us had done, just that we weren't very well suited and he was the first one to realise that. Now, years on, I am so pleased he did end things as it enabled me to meet and marry DH who is very much the right one for me.

Although your DP behaved very badly by having the affair, sometimes people fall out of love; that in itself is not really something they should be blamed for.

You sound lovely, and I have no doubt at all that, after some time alone to heal and regroup you will find someone who is right for you.

[violethill]

I agree.

Love isn't a rational thing.

I do believe it's possible to apply rational thought, and work at rebuilding a relationship which has gone stale if the desire to do so is there for both partners. But if one partner doesn't want to, and prefers to walk away, then you have to accept it.

Try not to tie yourself in knots analysing how you might not be good enough. It's a pointless exercise. He would probably agree with you anyway, that you're a lovely person, good mum etc. The point is, he is walking away from the relationship, so you have to let him go.

[templemaiden]

TBH I'd say end it and breathe a sigh of relief.

Grieve for what you had - your old relationship as it was at the beginning, but it's time to move on.

You don't have to have done anything wrong - I fell out of love with my ex and he never really did anything wrong, although there were other factors involved - not an OM before you ask.

It's dead. Time to bury it. Let him be a good dad - your kids deserve to have a relationship with their father, but you deserve more than to be with someone who doesn't love you.

Good luck.

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

The mistake that you're making is, to believe that good things happen to good people.

You can't believe that he wouldn't stay with you because of the children? He doesn't care about the children! Why would he stay?

Someone wise on here once said, if someone tells you who they are, believe them.

You have said he doesn't care about other people and is selfish. So that's your answer. He's selfish. He's not going to stay for your sake or for your children's sake. He's selfish.

I'm so sorry, vidia. I know I sound harsh, I'm actually just furious at him on your behalf. But you're not going to make sense of this, and to be honest (I know it's a cliche) you really, really are better off without him. He doesn't want to be with you and he doesn't care about the children.

The good news is, you're a fantastic mum and you love them to bits, so they'll be fine. So will you, in time.

[ChickensHaveSinisterMotives]

He doesn't want to be with you. Hard as that is to accept, accept it you must. You can't make him want you, and if you try I can promise you that you will look back in time and cringe. Hold your head high, and concentrate on yourself and your children. Work out what you want. Why would you want a man that doesn't love you and think you're wonderful? You deserve better.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

He sounds like a real catch - not!

Go and see a lawyer, and make sure to take details of bank accounts etc so that he can't hide cash.

And then you can look forward to having some time to yourself when it's his turn to have the children.

[SolidGoldBrass]

SOmething else to bear in mind is that actually he has every right to walk away from a relationship he doesn't want to be in. everyone is entitled to leave a partner they don't want to be with.
Yes, he has been harsh but it's better than fannying around saying he 'can't choose' (while getting all his meals cooked, his washing done, and probably his dick sucked as you try to prove what a wonderful wifey you are so he doesn;t leave) indefinitely. Of course you need to make sure that he's fair and reasonable about division of assets, maintenance etc (consult a lawyer, don't fall for the old line that it can be sorted out amicably, it can't when one partner has dumped the other rather than their being a friendly mutual agreement that the relationship has run its course) and him seeing the children, but don't bother with finding out why, counselling for the relationship (if you are very unhappy, counselling for yourself is another matter and may well be helpful) or trying to 'make it work' when he has no interest in making it work. He has left you. That's that.

[zazen]

I agree SGB.
Counselling for yourself OP will reap rewards.
Remember you have done nothing wrong. He made some choices for himself, that's all.
Flogging a dead horse won't do anything except tire out your arm.

Consult a solicitor. I think you are well shot of him and his selfishness.

you sound lovely! Time for you