what would you do?

[Fizzfiend]

my friend is married with 2 kids under 10. She is in love with someone else, but scared to break away from her life (she's not financially independent). Her dh has found out about the affair which has been going on for about 18 months. He's really angry, but prepared to work it out. She doesn't really love him.

What I want to know is, do you think she should try and resurrect her old "boring" life or should she leave if she's so unhappy. Her DH is a nice guy but she's just not in love with him any more.

I would be really interested to know what MN thinks...I'm in a similar situation (this is not me..honest!) and have my own views but don't really know what to say to this woman.

[displayuntilbestbefore]

Don't say anything.
If you advise that she sticks with the marriage and then she ends up bitterly unhappy, she will blame you in part.
If you advise that she breaks free but then she bitterly regrets doing so, she will blame you in part.
Don't get involved, Be there as a friend to support her decisions, help her see the wood for the trees so she doesn't make any rash decisions that may affect the relationship she has with her children but be sure never to give totally honest opinions about her relationships with either man.
I have been in your situation with a friend who had an affair and IME it's hard not to end up making a hash of it if you try and involve yourself too much in someone else's decision making.
I hope she, and you, come to a decision that avoids too much hurt all round

[Fizzfiend]

Thanks display...friend is so distraught I feel very helpless. I think you're right about not giving definitive advice.

Interested to know tho...would you stay or leave. I know, it's hard to say without knowing all the background, but would you go for boring option with comfortable lifestyle or new life with big love and massive disruption?

[squareheadcut]

dunno, probably i might leave

[displayuntilbestbefore]

Fizz TBH I can't put myself in a "what would you do" situation because I would never have an affair but I can appreciate how it must be a hard situation to be in.
DH and I agreed that if ever one of us met someone else, we would leave the marriage before embarking on anything extra marital.
My friend, who was in an almost identical situation to your friend, had a couple of years of anguish about what to do and if she hadn't had children she would have left but both she and her lover were married with children so it wasn't so easy to just leave the marriage. FWIW she decided to stay in the marriage and hasn't looked back.

I imagine it depends on whether your DH is still loving towards you. If not then it would be hard to live in a loveless marriage without any physical or emotional expressions of love but if your DH still loves you and is kind and a nice person then it may well be possible to rekindle things. Problem is that by having an affair in the frist place, being intimate with another man would surely cloud your judgement of your relationship with your DH so it's hard to make rational decisions when one is offering excitement and satisfaction in ways that the other isn't. This is what my friend found most confusing because she said herself that by embarking on the affair she had gone too far down a road that took her away from her husband on many levels and it was then hard for her to be able to look objectively at the situation.

Very difficult. Hopefully things will work out in a way which causes least upset especially to the children.

[oceandreamer]

Totally know where you are coming from. I'm in a similar situation but am being fairly reckless, which would probably not be my advice to a friend. I would recommend reading Esther Perel who has an interesting take on marriage and monogamy. My feeling is that you only live once and don't ever settle for something that doesn't make you happy. If you never take a risk in a quest to improve your life you're allowing your fear of the unknown prevent you from finding something better. You only live once...

[nickschick]

I could have been in this situation several times .....

My dh is not an easy man to live with.

What I suggest your friend does is to make her own choice and you support her in that but that she organises some financial independance for herself - I think many women stay in unhappy relationships purely because they are unable to support themselves financially.