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my 9 year old cant make friends

5 replies

hkchair · 01/04/2010 22:26

Hi I'new, my eldest daughter is having real problems making friends at school, I think because she is very bossy and controlling just like her mother !!I just dont know how to help her, I have friends now but I think I must have been just like her at the same age and would love to change the pattern. Any suggestions please. HKchair

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DinahRod · 01/04/2010 22:41

Poor dd, must be horrible for her, and I speak as a child who was a confusing mix of shy and bossy!

There's a book called "Unwritten rules of friendship" available on Amazon that categorises children into types, including a chapter entitled "The born leader" It gives strategies and activities to try out with dd like changing a bossy tone of voice, learning to negotiate and compromise, learning to spot yield signs in others, ways of backing down gracefully etc so she can understand her behaviour and how it's perceived by others and learn new strategies for modifying it.

Have you been able to approach her class teacher to discuss it with them? Maybe they will have a few ideas too about how to incorporate dd more into groups or suggestions about how dd can make it easier for herself.

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DinahRod · 01/04/2010 22:45

Just read that back and I believe I've just said I'm a child! My creaking joints would suggest otherwise.

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Condensedmilkaddict · 02/04/2010 01:50

Sometimes you need to help them along.

For some kids it just doesn't come naturally.

I would start inviting different children home for a play after school.

Don't hover, but do keep an ear out, and listen to what goes on.

You can quietly take your daughter aside, or tell her after her guest has gone home how she can improve.

Let her know that guests get decide what they play, to help her get used to accepting others points of view.
Once she has gone along with it a few times, she'll find that other people have good ideas too.

I had to do this with my son when he was young. He still struggles a little, but now has a wide group of friends.

It's something that must be taught - like how to tie shoelaces.

Good luck!

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deaddei · 03/04/2010 09:22

Well done op for admitting she is bossy and controlling!!!
My dd had a friend like your daughter, and when she got to mid way through year 5, begged me not to let her go to tea/play with this girl as she was not letting her play with other friends, or taking over games to the extent everyone walked away. I was very cowardly, and just avoided the mother for the next 18 months, when they went to different schools.
I think condensedmilk's idea is good- talk to her about how her behaviour comes across-and also talk to the class teacher.
Hope all goes well.