Friend is too nice

[ConfusedByHumans]

I've got this friend, known her a little over a year, we get on really well. Trouble is I've noticed that she's nice to everyone, in a friendly, polite, always willing to help way. And the trouble part is, sometimes afterwards she'll complain about having had to help someone.

Now, I can see she's somewhere picked up this need to make things all lovely for people, but I'm starting to see it as dishonesty, and I'm wondering if she's talking about me behind my back. I'm wary of taking any of her time with anything because she can't seem to say no, even when she wants to.

I'm trying to work through it, because she is a truly lovely, intelligent, funny person, but I'm having a bit of a trust problem.

Any comments to throw in the mental mill?

[squilly]

Some people are just downright horrible to others, without bothering with any pretence. I think I know what I'd rather have.

Having said that, I can't bear people who bitch, backbite and complain about others.

I can understand people might get on your pip every now and again, but I'd expect that as an exception rather than a rule.

It sounds like this individual has a low self esteem. She's keen to please, but then regrets and resents others when she has backed down/pacified them.

I'd go with your gut on this. If you really want to be friends with this woman, go for it. But don't be naieve enough to think she may not talk about you behind your back too if she doesn't like something you say or do.

Mind you...that sums up most people any way!

[cyb]

Do you challenge her? Asked her why she helps others if it makes her unhappy?

[ConfusedByHumans]

squilly, low self esteem, you may be right. Your penultimate paragraph is sort of where I'm at, I need to get my head round the fact that (1) she's a lovely person and she enhances my life, but (2) she does have this thing she does. And I should accept that, because we all have our odd behaviours, but at the back of my mind is (3) maybe I don't enhance her life but she's too polite to say!

cyb, not in a confrontational way, we have spoken on occasion about some incident or other. But I work on about a half an hour time lag, so after she's gone I think "but, hang on a minute!", but the moment is gone.

[deepbreath]

I'll watch this with interest as this post could have been written about me in some ways.

Personally, I offer help because there has been so many times when I have desperately needed help myself, but haven't had any. I am unable to work for health reasons, and I suppose that it makes me feel like I'm still doing something "useful". I don't help people with the sole aim of them reciprocating, but it would be nice if they could. One of the things that annoys me is when people start to take advantage - they know that I'm a soft target.

One of the most recent was when my BIL was ill, he'd had a severe chest infection and a partially collapsed lung. SIL can't drive, and he faced catching 2 buses up to the hospital. I was told that he was very, very poorly and unable to drive, so naturally I offered to take him to hospital. I had been feeling unwell myself that day, but felt that I couldn't let him down.

On the way home, he asked if I could drop him off at the pub where he had left his car the night before because he had been too drunk to drive it home... yes, I did rant to dh about that! If you were in my shoes, how would this have made you feel though?

[ConfusedByHumans]

deepbreath, your offer to drive him was very reasonable and kind. Wrong kind of poorly though wasn't it!

Would you offer again the next time?

[deepbreath]

I honestly don't know, CBH. I suppose it would depend on the circumstances. I was told that I had offered to help, and they hadn't asked for it.

Back to you and your friend though, do you think that other people may have taken advantage? Or, do you think she just feels under some sort of obligation to help, even if she doesn't really want to?

[ConfusedByHumans]

I think some have taken advantage, but I think it's mainly a case of she sees something needs doing, swoops in and does it, then it's her job from then on. Or if it was a person she was helping, then they come back for more support and suddenly she's more involved than she wanted to be.

She takes a lot of tasks on that I think others would do, if she'd just hang back a moment and let them. It's as if she has to be the one saving the world every time.

I'm becoming more convinced by squilly's self-esteem idea.

[ItsGraceAgain]

I was "trained to serve" - I'm all over Stately Homes about it

As everybody knows (especially deepbreath), there aren't too many people who'll turn down a favour when it's needed.

Thing is, ConfusedByHumans, you know how you said you work on a half-hour time lag? Well, don't you think she also works on a time lag? So, after she's unwisely agreed to something, she will later realise she's ended up sacrificing ... again.

As she's a lovely friend to you, I don't feel you need to be fretting over it too much. Be a good friend in return, by [a] not letting her sacrifice for you, and [b] gently pointing out what she's doing.

[deepbreath]

IGA, I think you've just hit the nail on the head with that!

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Deep Breath - perhaps your friend is better than this, but this is actually classic passive aggressive behaviour and I would be very wary. I knew a woman like this at my DCs primary school and she went out of her way to befriend me. At first I used to marvel at how much she used to take on - she seemingly ran the PTA singlehandedly as well as working, lobbying about local issues - you get the picture.

However, I started to notice how much she moaned about being put upon and it seemed as though every task she volunteered for was accompanied by a complaint - and some very nasty gossip about the people for whom she did favours. As time wore on, it seemed she gossiped about most people in the playground - even her closest friends - and it seemed pretty inconceivable that she hadn't at some point gossiped about me. Fortunately, I was very careful never to discuss anything too private with her - and refused to engage in the gossip.

I did actually try a few times to persuade her to be more assertive with people and more straightforward at confronting people who she thought were taking advantage, but to no avail. I get very frustrated with people who aren't straightforward with others and so it was one of those friendships I let wane.

If you want to continue the friendship, it might be useful to get her to read about passive aggressive behaviour and see if a lightbulb goes on.

[jasper]

I would not see anything too sinister in this.
If you are a close friend there is nothing wrong with her venting to you about stuff.

You say she is truly lovely, intelligent and funny.
I think you can forgive her the other stuff

[ConfusedByHumans]

Thanks, this has been so worthwhile.

jasper, I think you've got it. She's worth it, and it's my head that needs adjusting. It's sitting better with me today.

[Loubilou09]

What sort of things does she do for other people and why would she be talking about you behind your back? I really don't understand the correlation between her helping people with day to day life and how it is affecting you? To be honest you sound a little bit jealous that she has other friends