Mumsnet Talk

Hi all,

I'm new here! I'm a 35 year old divorced Mum to two lovely boys. My marriage ended badly due to domestic violence 6 years ago and i was then single until meeting my boyfriend 18 months ago.

He is very kind, wonderful with my boys, generous, funny and basically a lovely man whom i'm deeply in love with.

Our problems (or my problems) lie within the emotional side of our relationship. These have been there since the start but being a woman i thought it would be alright over time.

He has such a low libido but it's more than that. He doesn't like kissing, a peck is the limit, cuddling although he does do this, or sex.

When we do have sex it's approximately once every two months. He doesn't really participate even when we do, doesn't touch me or like to really do much. So as much as i desperately want to make love when it does happen i feel crushed as i'm not sure he's with me, if that makes sense?

If i tell him i love him i get a reply of 'cheers' or 'ta' and if i ask him if he loves me, he says 'i'm alright'.

I've obviously tried to talk to him but i get nowhere and if i push it he thinks i'm moaning. From the things he does, i think he loves me but not hearing it or being sure makes it quite tough, more so i think with the other things too.

We don't live together, he shares a house with two other people, he's not ready to move in yet although he does spend probably five nights a week here out of the week.

As i've said i love him dearly, i really do. Is this nothing major as he says, as we're a great team and he does make me happy? Am i being over emotional? Can i do anything to draw him out of this place he won't seem to let me in to? Should i just drop it and be thankful i have such a lovely man?

Erm, I don't think that there is anything you can do, he's obviously not into sex or you to be blunt. He may be a lovely guy but without the chemistry it's not really happening. Unless of course you are happy to have a sexless relationship. After 18 months he should be happy to declare his love for you, this would be ringing serious alarm bells for me and I think you might need to be making some serious decisions soon.

I'm not really one to give advice as have problems of my own on the man front so to speak, but....he says you're alright when you ask if he loves you?!?!?!?!

sex and affection are important in a relationship, does he see that? it almost sounds like a friendship rather then a relationship.
i think this is a really difficult one, it seems like he has a problem with intimacy and commitment too if he to all intents and purposes lives with you but isn't ready to make that jump in his mind. do you know of anything in his past that might account for this?

I have no right to respond to this with my problems also, but this seems to be a very onesided relationship - with you doing all the chasing and emotional stuff.

think an ultimatum is in order

how old is he anyway - does he have a low libido or hangups - if he is a young man he should seek help from a GP for this

Seems more afraid of commiting and showing affection

could be something in his childhood

I actually still do not know why we even bother with men

its all doom and gloom - we could get the happy feelings from shopping and a vibrator

Thank you all for your replies.

RaraAvis He has past problems, Mum left when he was tiny, hence why i've been understanding, i thought as i said originally it would improve.

MostActive When he says 'i'm alright' when i ask if he loves me he does grin. Just can't spit the words out. He's not mean, just scared i think.

Thanks moviegirl made me lol

Alouiseg It is ringing massive alarm bells but i just don't know what to do. My boys adore him as much as i do, he's always here, just this bit that's wrong and i know it's huge and i don't want a sexless relationship.....but...but...but

well i guess him having past problems doesn't help you in the here and now if he can't get it sorted. have you suggested counselling or couples counselling? my dh won't sleep with me either, his libido's plummeted since i became pg, only problem is mines skyrocketed! so i'm familiar with your ache if we could call it that!

I've tried to talk to him in around about ways. He doesn't like to talk about it, the way he is or his past.

Sorry to hear you're going through the same as me, although hopefully yours is temporary. Ache is a really good word, i do.

He sounds like a friend rather than a lover. You do know that it's not your job to fix him, don't you? And that lots of people have troubled childhoods and perfectly healthy libidos and the ability to be warm and loving? If he wanted to sort this out, he would have done so by now and got some therapy.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I fear you are wasting your time here, and your frustration and disappointment will only get more intense over time. He has told you by his actions what kind of a relationship he wants- you really need to listen and ask yourself if it's what you want too. It doesn't sound like it to me.

yeah well i'm crossing my fingers it's only temporary but i know with his first child he basically stopped having sex with her after the birth as it traumatised him so this might be a long term problem. we could set up our own little club.. <tries to think up names not involving embarrassing innuendos..>
hmm tricky.. anway, i know its difficult to broach a subject that makes someone you care about uncomfortable but you might just have to bring it up and have it out?

If this is what it is 18 months in, this is what it's going to be. he's not going to change his entire personality and probably couldn't even if he wanted to.

Any chance he has desires he is worried to tell you about because of your DV past? Or, any chance he is gay and fighting that? Or, maybe he's a lovely guy who really doesn't want to hurt you and your DC but doesn't really want a sexual relationship with you rather than this being just low libido?

Asexual? Google asexuality and there is a great forum called AVEN, basically he does fit the description as far as you have described. If he is asexual, it is a seual orientation and there is nothing "wrong" with him and nothing therapy can fix. Have a look and get him to have a look and have a chat. Best of luck x

Sorry to hear that RaraAvis! well i hope it is all different for you. Crossing all i have.

Wow....thrown some things up i never thought of. I guess i should think about them.

He's been the same all the way through....not bothered if we had sex or not from the beginning so not gone off me, maybe like you said, just companionship he wants!

Confused even more now.

I wouldnt be with anyone who was like that with me, what the point in staying with him? is it because your kid's like him? just based on the info you have given, i find him very strange.

I don't think it is a confusing situation, it is quite clear, but obviously sad for you as you want more.

But as others said, if this has been going on ever since you started the relationship, it will only change if he makes a massive effort and goes to counselling etc, etc. And frankly, if he was going to do that, he would have done it by now.

I think all you can do is chose between two options a) I will stay with him because in every other respect he is lovely and I will try my hardest not to get bitter or resentful because I accept he is unlikely ever to change or b) I will tell him how I feel, ask if he will come to relationship counselling and if he won't , I will end the relationship or go back to a).

Good luck. I've been in the same situation and it was eventually very horrible because I couldn't stop getting resentful.

Please think carefully. It is soul destroying to be with someone who does not give you the intimacy you crave. It makes you feel so unhappy, unloved and unwanted. It destroys you.

the thing is my dh has always been affectionate outside of the bedroom and i think i'm right in thinking asexualitiy has nothing to do with expressing affection? and you say he doesnt? is he warm at all? i dont think i could be in a relationship without affection, it's quite seperate to sex but its what binds you together as a couple.

Some asexuals abhor any kind of bodily contact, including kissing, stroking, touching etc. That is just their "setting". I agree I couldn't live with it though.

He always holds my hand when we're out! He does do cuddles but i know he's not keen on them. He is lovely and i don't want to get myself all tied up in knots over it.
You are all right it's time to think hard and make some tough choices. Either way it's going to be hard.

Really? is this thread real? sorry to ask but is there really men out there like your partner, cause it would kill me if mine was like that.

sunshines... er, yes. Do some googling. There seem to be quite a lot of men out there like this.

Oh right, sorry to ask.

Oh yes thesunshinesbrightly this is very real. And your summation is pretty much how it makes me feel. But in other ways he makes me feel so alive. Just going to have to decide if not much sex and a wonderful man is better than great sex life and other problems, which it seems most of us have!!