Trauma over 'Toxic' Mum..Need help please

[Caughtinafog]

Posted recently about my mum, but would like to go into more detail to see if I can get rid of the heavy burden hanging over me.
In short I am an only child & was very much loved (over loved, intensely loved). Also the only gc, so much intensity. My mum didn't like my dad, so I was the total focus (along with my GM) of my mother.

In my late teens my M&D divorced & whilst my mum went to live with her mum, I was made homeless. I was told there was no room for me. Being a bit of a sap, I just accepted it (what else could I do?) but it's only as having my own DC that I've started to 'critique' my childhood.

I've had a couple of meltdowns over the years & have spoken to counsellors & psychologists. The bottom line is my mother was very dominant...I've just been introduced to the area of toxic parenting & am seeing examples of this throughout my childhood.

Over the last 8 yrs or so Mum & I have started to clash..perhaps from me forming my own (different from her) opinion. Perhaps it's been a separation process which hasn't gone down well.
Anyway, the bottom line is the last 4-6 times I've seen her, we've had a big shouty argument. I've now not spoken to her for nearly 10 weeks.
SHe has called my MIL & said she is sad, MIL has said she doesn't want to get involved, which is fair enough.
I had a bit of a dilemma about mothers day & ended up being in a high state of anxiety which evaporated as soon as the day passed.

Every morning i wake up (bit like when you have been dumped by a boyfriend) with this hanging over my head. I have explained to my mum countless times about the homeless thing - she says well, you were grown up/had gone abroad/where messy & untidy ie blames me.
I need help because it's eating me away . I've spent the last almost 3 years trying to talk to her about my childhood (she says, yes, I wish i could do it differently, when I talk about my GM she says, oh she's old (now dead)), so I'm either saying the wrong thing, or she's not having any of it.

[QueenofWhatever]

Yes, completely understand what you are talking about. Sadly it sounds like you need to join us on the Stately Homes thread. Settle down with a cup of coffee and you'll see you're not alone.

[caughtinafog]

thanks - looks like i've posted in the wrong place...how do I move it over ?

Am, sadly, desperate to dissect it all..my poor DH has been hearing it for years...

[cremeeggs]

you are definitely not alone. please have a look at Stately Homes thread. there are loads of books eg Toxic parents that can help, as can counselling.

What you describe is a very familiar feeling of guilt tied up with the fear of abandonment. You have not gone through the usual growing up stages with your mum - she expected you to grow up quickly by casting you out of the home when you were still basically a child, and now she can't accept evidence that your are growing up and separating from her with your own identity-she'd like to keep you as a child forever maybe so you can agree with her and bend to her wishes.

The guilt is awful but with therapy and support on here and in real life you can start to reclaim your life and let go of the guilt.

[caughtinafog]

thanks - have now posted on the other thread. Yes, my mum needs me. She needs me to be ok for her to be ok. When I got engaged her 2nd comment was how happy I had MADE her. I know she was terrible proud/pleased etc..but even so it was about her first.
The other statement from the psychiatrist was that as I was growing up my emotional needs weren't met.