My sister and my mum - I don't want to get involved but am being dragged in.

[TigerFeet]

My Mum - is in her early sixties, widowed, has health issues but is working, very old fashioned, religious.

My sister - is 18, has been very ill recently with glandular fever and is being investigated for CFS as a result. Has dropped out of college as she missed an awful lot of work and is due to restart the year in September

They live together, my brothers and I are older and moved out years ago so there's just the two of them.

They DO NOT get on

They constantly wind one another up

They have both taken to posting passive agressive status updates on Facebook (ffs) and my sister has now defriended my mum (again ffs)

My sister thinks my mum doesn't like her, isn't prepared to go out of her way for her, is unsupportive and unloving.

My mum thinks my sister needs to sort herself out and get a job and stop sponging off her

They are probably both right

I do feel for my sister though, my Mum is not an easy person to live with, especially when you're a teenager, she disaproves of any behaviour that isn't church attending grade advancing type of stuff. She was like that with me when I was that age

I am being dragged in my sister is really upset and needs to feel that someone in her family gives a shit

No idea what I'm looking for by posting really, but would appreciate any thoughts or comments.

Just aaaarrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhh really

[TimothyTigerTuppennyTail]

May be you could explain to your sister that you will always be there to listen to her and offer a shoulder to cry/scream on to BUT, you won't take sides.

Then she knows she has your love, and a some emotional support if she needs, but you avoid the grief.

May be even explain to your mum in the same way IYSWIM?

[CelticStarlight]

I think your mum needs to give your sister a break and be a little kinder TBH. Glandular Fever and CFS are very serious conditions and it is very important for sufferers in the early stages not to keep trying and trying to lead a 'normal' life when they are feeling ill, if they do they run the risk of never getting better - particularly with regard to CFS (ME). Both conditions respond better to rest than anything else and people with CFS (ME) in particular are much more likely to get better if they stop fighting against the illness in the initial stages and just try and rest as much as possible, they also need to avoid stress.

It is very unfair and unchristian of your mum (considering she is religious) to try and say that your sister needs to get a job and stop 'sponging' off her when she has had Glandular Fever - it is not a minor ailment. Your sister is probably very frightened underneath and needs support, not criticism. To cause someone stress and try to get them to work before they are able could lead to exactly the opposite effect than might be hoped for.

If your mum can't be made to see this then perhaps it would be better for your sister's health to move elsewhere. She should apply for disability benefits if she is too ill to work, in order to giver herself as much chance as possible to rest and get better - when she will hopefully return to work. She really mustn't push herself to do anything her body doesn't want to do, I really cannot stress this enough if she wants to get better.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Even if she weren't ill, she's only 18 and at college, which is hardly "sponging". Surely any parent would approve of their offspring studying for a better future instead of plunging behind a supermarket counter straight from school, dragging themselves up the employment ladder the hard way but at least earning a bit as they go. Mum may not be entirely wrong (some people are natural spongers even if they do have a good excuse for it!) but she does sound very inflexible.

[TigerFeet]

Good morning
Thank you so much for your replies
I went to bed about half an hour after posting and didn't get back online yesterday so apologies for not acknowledging your posts earlier.

Dsis can't move elsewhere, we are too far away and have no room and she goes back to college in Sept (hopefully) anyway. I have told her to apply for either jobseekers or incapacity benefit, whichever she would be entitled to, for some reason that she seems unable to articulate she hasn't yet done so.

She is struggling with my Mum's lack of empathy and selfishness - if dsis mentions her illness she is reminded of my Mum's own illness and given no emotional support

Part of the problem is that Mum is active in the community, volunteering her time to the church and to good causes, that most people she knows think she is wonderful. What they fail to see is that she neglects her own children. We are all grown up now, dsis is the youngest, my brothers and I moved away as soon as we could and dsis hates that she is left on her own.

I have already told her that I am always here for her, I am only on the end of the phone. She knows there is no point in me talking to my Mum, the standard response is "you have no idea what it is like to parent teenagers, wait until your girls are that age and you will understand". Bullshit. I will never withdraw from my children emotionally like she has done.

My sister has her faults, certainly, but at the end of the day my Mum is the parent, the adult, but seems unable to offer the unconditional love and support that should entail.