Does your dh/dp work away? How do you feel about it?

[weegiemum]

My dh just left for work - he works away from Tuesday evening till Friday teatime. Mainly to save money on the commute, but he also does night shifts while he is away if they are available - this week he's away the 3 nights, working 2 of them.

And I relaised tonight that I quite like it!

We get on fabulously! We're very very happily married. Tues is his day off so we have the day together (all kids at school) - today we wnt back to bed at 11am and stayed there till 2 .

But I like my nights to myself! I get the whole bed, no snoring, I can cope with the kids much more easily when its just me (mainly cos he is so soft on them!), can eat what I like, spend loads of time on MN, watch what I want on TV etc ....... Often (like tomorrow) I have a friend round for a glass of wine and chat etc..

Meanwhile while he is away he can play his ridiculous online fantasy computer game and listen to whatever shite music he likes.

Then at the weekends we are all together, having fun, and he and I get 4 quality evenings to ourselves when the kdis are in bed. Plus our Tuesdays.

I think this is all a sign of a happy marriage. But when he left tonight and I realised I was quite pleased I had a mini wobble - it is ok to work like this, isn't it?

Unless he was on call (he's a doctor) he would always come home if I asked him to, and if he wanted to be here rather than in the practice accomodation, he can turn up any time, we both know that!

[weegiemum]

I must be OK then ...

[Clayhead]

Yes he does and it suits me! I love the evenings and nights I have to myself and enjoy him being here too.

There are certain TV programmes/films I save for when he isn't here, I spend loads of time e-mailing/calling friends and I get to do whatever I want

[BaggyAgy]

Hi Weegiemum. My marriage was very unhappy as my husband cheats on me. I moved out to our holiday home thinking how awful it would be to be alone. I love it for the same reasons that you do. I now have a little dog. If you want some thing faithful pets beat men hands down. My husband comes weekends. I can tolerate that level of his company. We are friendly and enjoy outings that I would not do alone. We had a lot in common once, and a weekend is short enough to manage being nice to each other and long enough to do the things we enjoy together.
I am surprised now when posters say they dread being alone. I have just come back from an evening language class. I can have a beer with my fellow students if I want, or go home and watch whatever I choose on tv. I have detached from my husband and mostly I am happy. Enjoy, and don't feel guilty, men and women enjoy different things, sometimes I can see why people are gay. Sadly, I have never fancied women, but like female company and clean habits.

[weegiemum]

BagyAgy so sorry to hear how your marriage turned out. Glad you are happy with how things are now.

I suppose I felt a little guilty for being glad he was gone as our marriage is very good - have had hard times like everyone but 15 years and 3 children haven't stopped us being in love and loving being together. Its just that I enjoy the space too and felt bad - but not for long.

I poured a glass of wine and got on MN!

[moondog]

lol at female company and clean habits.

My dh has been abroad working for 10 years, although I do spend long portions of time with him.
I consider myself happily married and so does he.
We both have full on jobs which we like-it is easier to conentrate on them without worrying about a sulky attention seeking spouse of a week night.

[GirlWiththeMouseyHair]

I work in theatre so it's usually me away in the evenings - but I happen to know DH loves his nights in on his own because he can play on his playstation for hours with nobody nagging him (ha, chance would be a fine thing). I get the very occasional night on my own when he helps on a show I'm working on (one of us has to be home for DS). So much I try to encourage him. a) we're going through a bad patch he won't recognise b) I'm finally getting to the age where I can bear to be alone for a few hours and find I enjoy it.

Sounds like your relationship is wonderful though - a great balance that really works for you. Dare say your lovely Tuesdays have a lot to say for it! Don't worry at all - we all crave time to be ourselves and not worry about the other person, the fact you get to then balance it with just strictly couple time is great!

[ShadeofViolet]

My DH works away every other week. I didnt like it so much when the children were smaller (I have a 19 month gap between DS2 and DD so it was difficult to look after a toddler and a young baby) and DS2 has ASD which can be difficult to deal with on my own. However I love my own space. I have a routine, and I can please myself.

The only problem I have is going to bed, I dont like being on my own at night and have to check all the doors and windows about 10 times before I am sure we are all safe in our beds.

[ItsGraceAgain]

My ideal marriage would be living at opposite ends of the same street
Like Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton, only a few houses further apart!

Posh couples have always had separate 'quarters' (and lovers, but that's a whole other thread). Assuming your house doesn't boast several wings and twin properties are out of budget - your circumstances sound like the ideal compromise



BA - very happy to hear your private life's coming together so well. Good for you!

[Joolyjoolyjoo]

weegiemum- my DH is in the RN, so I got used to a fair bit of time on my own. Now he is in a shore job, he is home every night, and I admit I do sometimes miss that me, myself and I feeling- if I don't want the tv on, I don't have it on. If I DO want it on, I have full control of the remote. I go to bed whatever time I like without him grunting at me, and then read for as long as I like!

I tend to think it means I am independant, rather than that we have a terrible marriage (at least, I hope so!)

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

My husband used to work away a lot, before we had children, and I loved it. He was in mining, used to be away for six weeks at a time and only be back for two - that was a bit hard, because you get so used to not having someone there, and then he'd come back and we'd have to adjust to each other over again. When he switched to 2 week stints, that was perfect.

It was so hard to adjust to him not doing that anymore. Unfortunately we got into some bad habits; because I could do whatever I liked when he was gone (see friends every night, watch bad TV, eat takeaways), I would put it on hold when he was back and those weeks would be all about what he wanted. So he got the remote, he got homecooked dinners, I'd put the book down of an evening and chat, I'd schedule friends' evenings only for when he was gone, etc.

Then he stopped travelling, and I found myself with a husband who thought I a) never ate takeaway b) wore nice lingerie all the time c) didn't watch TV etc. It was a bit of a culture shock for both of us.

But our marriage is great, and to be honest when our children are a bit older I hope he'll start travelling again. It's hard now because our daughter is so young, and spends so much time with him, that if he's away for a few days she gets clingy and shy and stops sleeping, and I still have to work long hours.

Your set up sounds brilliant, weegiemum.

[Anniegetyourgun]

No dissing the online fantasy game please. If nothing else, it keeps him from roaming the streets looking for "company"...

My theory is, as long as you're just as pleased to see him come home as you are to see him go, it's all good.

[lucykate]

my dh is away a lot, in fact he's in chicago right now!. i don't mind at all when he's away, as long as he takes his turn when he's back and gives me a break!, although when he gets back this time, he goes straight to london for a couple of days so i'll be on my own for mother's day.

he used to be away more, before we moved, he went on monday morning and came back friday evening, that went on for a year.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

I used to have a relationship where my XP went away a lot. Trips of up to 3 weeks, with perhaps a weekend in between. Normal state of affairs would be he went away for 3-4 nights to London.

WE ended up having seperate lives. He would come back on a Friday, go out on Friday and Saturday with his sports mates, would be knackered and spend all day in bed on Sunday. Monday invariably would be away again.

I thought it was all well and good and we had a great relationship - a modern couple. We had our own interests and lived seperate lives basically. He worked all the hours, I worked FT as well and any free time we had was spent with our friends or, in my case, with dd. We used to pretty untalkative on holidays as we were so unused to each other's company.

WE would probably have carried on - however he started drinking and was being controlling and/or violent. After I left I found out that he had been getting up to no good in Thailand (one of his regular trips, he had a business out there).

I would noyt choose to live that life again. DP and I spend the evenings together (mainly) - we both work long hours and we try and spend as much time together as we can. I much prefer it this way, and I am a lot happier.

[harimosmummy]

my DH is away 5 days a week. And in the next few weeks, I won't see him much at weekends either.

I'm not happy with the situation and I think the main thing is he feels 'his' weekends are for relaxing (AKA NO CHILDCARE) which means I basically get no break at all.

Actually, last weekend, I didn't get up when I heard DD cry - and he went MAD with me the next day cos he'd been up with her. he doesn't DO nights. or nappies. or feeds.

I agree with the poster who said - if it continues - you end up leading separate lives... DH and I have such different lives. He is important, well dressed and lives a 5* lifestyle. I'm a SAHM, dress terribly (usually have food stuck to some part of my outfit!) and I don't think anyone notices me.

But, if you are happy with the situation, then there is nothing wrong with it.

[AbsOfCroissant]

Interesting that this should come up today. DP's just told me that he's been offered a job in Paris (we live in London), so it's raised questions around moving there (we don't have children) or having a long distance relationship for a time, that sort of thing.

My DF worked away from home for about three years, only returning every second weekend. I'm sure it was very hard on my DM, being a single parent most of the time, but their marriage survived it and I think they learnt to appreciate each other more.

[weegiemum]

I am always as pleased to see him come home on Friday as I am to see him leave on Tuesday. In fact, by 6pm on Friday I am getting a little bit excited - Friday nights can be weird as the kids are obviously all over him and sometimes all we want to do is vanish upstairs ...... !!

I don't think we really lead seperate lives - we talk on the phone several times a day, and I think crucially he sees time at home as time for the family - he isn't a "going-out" sort of a bloke, never has been. SO when he is home, he is home. As our kids are 6, 8, 10, there are chunks of the weekend spent supporting their social lives (WHY does a 10 year old girl have to go to so many parties????) and sports - rugby on a Sunday etc ...

I like the set up and because we both do the work when we are together, then it remains when we are apart.

Today's big Q is though - why do the children only projectile vomit all over the bathroom walls when he is away??

[harimosmummy]

Oh, sorry you had a bad night, weegiemum!!

I think it's nice that you talk on the phone - I don't do that with DH. I am only allowed to text him on a morning and he calls on an evening, but only for a few minutes and, if I'm having a bad day, he's likely to turn his phone off / not answer it if I call him back. (OK, he has only done this once, but it was the only time I had tried to call him!)

For me, it's the other way around - the kids and I have a great routine when he is away and it all gets thrown up in the air when he's back (plus I have two DSDs who come at weekends too so the place is buzzing!).

The kids sleep so much better when we are on our own!!!

[lillybloom]

Weegie My marriage was very like yours. I enjoyed my time to myself but got excited when DH was due home. spoke at least twice a day on the phone.I was convinced we were doing fine. It all changed when DH came back home.I'd never noticed just how seperate our lives had become. My DH wanted to stay home like he always did where as I had clubs and friends to meet. DC had a routine he didn't know as it was all fun whenever he was home.Like harimo's Dh my Dh liked to relax when he was home and to be fair his work is very stressful. As far as possible now Dh only takes contracts where he can come home at night.

[StiffUpperHip]

My dh is away a lot. I like having some evenings to myself, but on the whole I'd rather he was here. His "away" pattern is erratic, and varies from the odd night to 2 months at a time. In total, he's away about 4 months a year, at the moment, and I, frankly, hate it. The worst thing is his constant coming and going, so we have very little pattern to our lives, and it's me that has to work round that. He's also often very tired when he comes back due to 7 day work pattern, sometimes on shifts, in other time zones, and almost always loses a night's sleep on the way back. Your pattern sounds great because it's regular. Your dh also needn't miss anything he doesn't want to miss, whereas mine often misses "events" although he's never yet missed a child's birthday or Christmas.

So, for example, he was away 2 weeks in December, 2 weeks in January. A week in late Feb. He's away 2 nights this week, and 3 nights next week (or maybe 4). He's going to be away from late April for about 5-6 weeks. We also never know exactly when he'll be back, although within 2-3 days it's usually reliable. Can you tell I feel sorry for myself over this? Wish I had your pattern! And our 3 yo is bothered by him being away. The older ones never have been, just her.

Oh, and contact while he's away is very variable. He can skype on poor connections from most of them, and gets half an hour of calls a week usually. He also emails, but it's patchy.

He loves his job, at least the bit of it while he's away - the part at home is duller. I can understand this, and would feel the same in his job. At least the pay is good, especially while he's away. And we have some good babysitters now, who I am taking full advantage of.

[lambanana]

My dh works away at least one night a week but it can sometimes stretch to 3 or 4 nights.

I am used to it now but as others have said, when the kids were younger I did struggle and I didn't like to ask my mum for help at bedtime (the worst time) as she works full time.

[HerHonesty]

yes he does and the only thing i dont like is that it is very hard work - i only have one dd but i work pretty much full time so getting to 7.30 leaves me exhausted.

[Florence99]

DH used to be away about 2 nights a week, but has since changed his job. He's rarely away now but has just been away for the past 2 nights. I've really enjoyed having the house to myself in the evenings, the bed to myself, no need to think about whats for dinner, a calm bedtime as he usually whips the DCs up into a frenzy when he gets home.. I could go on!

I appreciate the time to myself, but it is good to have him back(mostly)

[letsblowthistacostand]

My DH works away sometimes. It's very tiring but you do get into a routine--I find the kids go to bed earlier and the house stays cleaner when he's not here. Miss his company in the evenings though.

TBH I prefer working away to getting home super late. 3 nights this week he's been working until 9, so I get all of the mess of him being here and none of the help at bathtime!

[notyummy]

harimosmummy - your DHs attitude is really sad. He doesn't see the DCs during the week - and then doesn't want to help out with them at the weekend either?? That sucks.

DH works away about 4/5 nights a week at the moment, and is likely to for at least another 18 months. I don;t like it, but we have chosen to do this reather than uproot dd and me to loose my (preety good) job to move....when he is likely to moved agin at short notice IFYSWIM.

When DH is at home he does nearly everything for us - gets up early with DD/cleans the house/does washing and ironing etc I also know when he is away he is working long and mostly anti social hours so he is not off partying all the time he is away.

You need to have a chat with your DH harimo - your life doesn't sound fair at the moment.