how can i change my controlling behaviour?

[want2change]

reading some of the posts on here about awful controlling partners, i have come to realise that i am very controlling - especially towards DP. i know that it is not my fault as my father definitely has Narcissistic tendancies / personality disorder but i really want to change, especially as worried about effect on DC.
i am only happy when things are done my way, for example. i cant think of any specific egs right now but i know that i am controlling - i wonderd if anybody else had noticed this in themselves and how they have changed their behaviour
thankyou

[namechangedtemporarily]

Well done, firstly, for realising you have this trait. Before i met my DH i was quite self involved and didn't like doing anything a different way, i was quite highly strung and easily stressed.
Then i chilled out. My dad was very negative and paranoid and i was so desperate to not let him control me that i went the other way completely.
Now i take control of situations that need to be taken control of and other times my DH, my mum or even my DS decide what to do and/or how to do it.
I was always reluctant to have children because i thought i was too self involved and would be a bad parent, like my dad, but a friend told me I wasn't like my dad and i should have kids because it's amazing.
And she was right, obviously.

Try stepping back from things, let other people take control of certain situations gradually, once you see they are still enjoyable or effective (depending on the event) and nothing goes wrong you might be willing to let go of more things. Keep one or two things for yourself to feel a sense of control and achievement. Speak to your loved ones and explain, perhaps they can help you.

Now you've noticed it though, you really have the best start, you can see when you are doing it and stop yourself.

All the best

[namechangedtemporarily]

PS - ask your DP if he minds you controlling things he does. Some men feel emasculated by woman taking control but some men, especially if they have managerial jobs (like my DH) like not having to make decisions about stuff at home!!

[ImSoNotTelling]

want2change I have realised the same thing after reading threads on here.

I suppose it used to be called bossy though, and my mum has always said I'm a "control freak".

However I have talked about it with DH and asked him how he feels about things and he says he is perfectly happy.

So I have decided to leave it, apart from trying to keep a bit of a check on myself. I know that I criticise a lot when he does things, and I try to catch myself and just let him get on with stuff.

Like I say though, he says it's not a problem, so I trust his judgement on that. And I'm not horrible all the time...

[ImSoNotTelling]

Yes so what I was trying to say was have you talked to your DP about it to get his take on things? He is the one on the receiving end after all.

(namechanged sorry for basically rehashing your posts!)

[ItsGraceAgain]

Well, with your DCs, don't tell them how to do things. Just let 'em get on with it. Be a short sprint away if there's potential danger involved, but keep reminding yourself we learn best by experimenting!

Try playing a game with yourself, too - see if the world really does fall apart when the bathroom's untidy

[ItsGraceAgain]

If you haven't already got it, read Don't Sweat The Small Stuff by Richard Carlson. It's actually a stress-management book, but not too bad a philosophy for life (and it has checklists - you'll like those!!)