DH does not want any more children but I do. What to do?

[dingledangle]

I have two DC who are wonderful and whom I love dearly however, I still feel the maternal need to have another one.

DH does not agree he feels that two children are enough and has found our second child especially tiring as he is not a great sleeper.

I am approaching the wrong end of 30 and desperately want another, however he is certain he does not. I am so sad and it seems that everywhere people keep telling me they are pregnant. I even cried at 'one born every minute' the other day when seeing the babies. This is not my usual personality and I never understood this 'maternal drive' to have more children. However, I think this is what is happening.

Have others experienced this problem? Should I just mourn the loss of future potential children or discuss it further with DH. It seems so unfair that he just says no and then that is it. Although I do understand that it is a joint decision and responsibility.

[heQet]

I'm sorry that the 2 of you see things differently, however, I think that it is more unfair for someone who does not want another child to be made to have one than for someone who wants another child to not have one - mainly because children deserve to be wanted by both parents.

It's so hard - he would resent you for 'forcing' another child upon him, the child may feel unwanted, what if he showed the child his feelings? but then how do you deal with your resentment of him for denying you this third child?

I think you should talk to him again. Get his specific reasons for not wanting another child. If it's finances, show him how it's possible, if it's time, show him how it can be managed, same with space - if his concerns are to do with practical things, then show him how they can be overcome.

Also think carefully - do you want to raise another child or do you want to have another baby? (that may sound like the same thing but think about it - it's 2 different things!) I think you can get this urge when your children start to grow up - maybe start nursery or school, or whathaveyou. I think some of us are somehow driven to want the next one then!

[tiredlady]

I was in your postition OP. Dh couldn't face the thought of a 3rd dc, but for me it was a very deep longing that would not go away.

Basically I went on and on and on at him till he finally gave in. I just don't think he could stand my moaning and crying and anger any longer.

During the pregnancy I did wonder if I'd made a mistake though. He was not remotely interested and was very distant towards me. I got very very worried that our relationship was irreperably damaged and also, that he would resent the baby.

Luckily, everything turned out great. We have a lovely dd after 2 dss, she is the apple of her father's eye and even dh would agree that it was one of the best decisions we/I/he ever made.

Good luck
.

[NonnoMum]

I think crying at something like "One Born Every Minute" is a fairly common reaction and so don't base a huge life-changing decision on an emotional TV programme.

Also, you are still very young IMHO...

Good luck with everything whatever the ultimate decision...

[dingledangle]

thanks for the replies.

I have talked at length about it and it is the tiredness that troubles DH. We have space and the time issue is probably like everyone you would survive.

I am not a big baby fan so it is not that. I much prefer children as they get older. So in that way I know it is not wanting the baby aspect. Seeing the dynamic between 2 DC already and the way my eldest child is I would like more.

Help!

[heQet]

if it is just the tiredness that bothers your husband, are you in a position to hire some help? au pair, or something?

What you need is to go to him with solutions. "You are worried about X but this is what we could do..."

[Bonsoir]

When I met my DP he had two sons already and was adamant that (a) he wanted no more children (b) he would hate to have a daughter.

Things change! We have a lovely DD who is the apple of her father's eye and also incredibly loved and cherished by her brothers. She makes our family work.

Carry on working on your DH!

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

I would disagree. I hate being 'worked on' when I have already made up my mind, I feel disrespected. I sympathise, but I think you have to give up on it unless he makes it clear he wants another.

[warthog]

well as the one who has been 'worked on' i can tell you it's awful. i feel bullied into it. so don't do that. wait 6 months and bring the topic up again, but really LAY OFF for those 6 months. give the sleeping a chance to settle down and do everything in your power to make sure family life is happy. give your dh some time off on weekends doing what he loves and you may have more success that way.

but i mean seriously, no tears in front of him, no wistful looks, no odd comments. just give it 6 months and then see.

[skidoodle]

I feel disrespected if someone makes up their mind about something that has a huge impact on my life and expects me to just give up on it.

[izzybiz]

heQet, don't you think its unfair the other way round though? To deny someone something so important in their life. 9 times out of 10 a baby that starts "unwanted" is adored as soon as its born.

I think the op would have to live with more regret and resentment if she never got that 3rd child TBH.

[PacificDogwood]

There is no possible compromise on this one unfortunately (unless you'd be happy with a dog ).

Either he'll feel manipulated or you'll feel deprvied.

I think warthog's advice is very good: put it on ice for a specified period of time, things can and will improve, and then revisit the decision.

BTW, my bubs is due next week, I'll be 44 next month...

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

"9 times out of 10 a baby that starts "unwanted" is adored as soon as its born."

Is this an official statistic?

Seriously, I think a lot more men have permanent misgivings about accidental babies than you might realise. It's not the sort of thing you would admit to friends, is it? 'Oh, we have this beautiful baby but I never wanted it and I still resent it'.

Worst case scenario - it could break up a relationship. Nothing is as corrosive to love as resentment. If it was me, every time something went wrong or we couldn't do something bc of the baby, I would think 'grr'. And men don't have that immediate baby-bond thing that mothers do.

[izzybiz]

Maybe not official.....

Thing is though, like I say that resentment works both ways, I really wanted my 3rd child, Dh wasn't fussed had he said a firm No, I think I would have been very resentful over it.
As it was we couldn't come to a firm decision, I was having my implant removed and informed him I would no longer be taking care of the contraception it was his responsibility. Ds2 is now 17 months old, and the apple of daddys eye!

[ByThePowerOfGreyskull]

I have finally come to peace with our decision.

DH has been absolutely clear that he does not want any more. He has not waivered.

I have finally come to see things as they are, We have 2 fantastic boys, we have a little spare cash and enough room in the house, I don't actually want another baby any more, a short while ago I would have been devastated to think of us never having more children, but that intensity of feeling has past by and things are good.

what ever happens there is no middle ground, perhaps the lack of a decision either way will turn out to make the decision for you.

[heQet]

Oh yes izzy - VERY unfair. But you have to think of the child first. Unwanted by one of its parents. That is the most important thing and the reason why, imo, in such a situation the one who does NOT want another child 'wins' (for want of a far, far, far better word!)

[skidoodle]

Brahms

"Worst case scenario - it could break up a relationship. Nothing is as corrosive to love as resentment."

That works both ways though. Resentment can be caused by regret at not being able to have another much wanted baby.

Just saw that izzybiz made that same point.

"And men don't have that immediate baby-bond thing that mothers do."

I don't think I have it either.

heQet

"in such a situation the one who does NOT want another child 'wins' "

Yes, a lot of people think this, but I just can't agree.

For one thing, I'm not sure that it's better not to be born than to have a parent who might resent you, or equally might love you just as much as their other children.

If the argument is "the father might resent the baby, therefore it is better the baby isn't born" then no babies should be born because plenty of men think they want a baby but can't deal with the reality if the situation at all.

I don't think it is ethical to trick someone into having a baby you know they don't want, but neither do I see that the person who decides they don't want more children "wins" and that the other person that they know they are disappointing should just shut up about it.

If you take a decision that hurts somebody else a lot, I don't see why you shouldn't ever have to face the reality of that hurt. If someone is sad because they aren't able to have more children because you have made that call for both of you, then deal with their sadness.

Getting resentful that they are upset when you're essentially using the threat of your future resentment to get your own way seems to me to give resentment far too high a billing in a relationship.

Making major life decisions on the basis that either partner might be implacably resentful if they don't get their own way is quite unpleasant really.

[Strawberrycornetto]

I had been in a similar position to op. I gave dh a really hard time and he agreed eventually. But I am no longer sure, my youngest just turned 2 and I am not sure I want another baby now. Much as I still see the magic of a third child, I have also become more aware too of the freedom we are gaining back and I am not sure I really want to limit what dd and ds can do by bringing a newborn into the equation. I think perhaps for me the time passed. I am a bit sad but I do now think I can live with it.

[weegiemum]

DH and I had clearly decided that we were sticking at 2.

Dh wondered about a vasectomy but we went for a mirena for me.

Then - I had a smear with the mirena in, it slipped into my cervix and I got pg. I had an awful time in pregnancy and for about 2 years after as I had a kidney problem. Dd2 didn't sleep.

Things were awful!!!

Now, 6 years on, things are OK, but I still find life tiring and am still dealing with the depression I suffered. Dh loves them all but he is still also tired, and struggles sometimes.

I would not be without her - not for a single second, nor would dh. But ... it has really taken its toll on us all.

Please don't have another baby unless you are both 100% committed! I was by the time dd2 was born (we had dd1 of 3y9m and ds 1y9m when she was born) but dh wasn't. By the time he was, I had been suffering physically and mentally so long I didn't knwo how to go ahead with coping.

Dd2 is now 6y3m and is a star .... but I can't pretend it has been anything but awfully, terribly hard, especially for the first 2-3 years.

[weegiemum]

and due to my health issues, in pg and after, dh had a vasectomy when I was 7 mo pg - not normally allowed but I was at risk of losing at least one kidney if I got pg again.

So there will be no more little weegies! Hooray!

[Effjay]

I'm in the same situation; got two but would lovee another. It took a fair bit of persuasion with my DH to agree to have a second child. I always knew it would be highly unlikely, but the emotional bit doesn't fade easily. I'm slowly coming to terms with the decision and the logical part of my brain says that I would have to give up my career (which I love, I work part-time) if a third came along. I saw a friend the other day who has two older ones and she said she wanted a third, but didn't go for it and now is really, really pleased she didn't. It was good to hear that ...