Where do I go from here to try and save relationship? Please help MN's

[BlackFlower123]

Hello I'm new on here but needing to ask advice on this section, if I may....

My partner and I have not been getting on well (to say that would be an understatement)since our youngest DC was born 5 months ago. Things were pretty bad when I was pregnant too.
Nasty things have been said and done on both sides. I feel he is not supporting his family as he is always going to his mums when she is at work- he says on the computer 'working', needs quiet from the DC's - he is self-employed- but if I check he has been playing online football most of the time. This has built up resentment. I have said nasty things to him and him to me.

I know we love each other we just don't expect each other to behave well and nicely and we are both highly on the defensive, it is more like a war than a relationship tbh I do feel like I have been doing most of the trying and he has just withdrawn into his cave - this has been going on for a year. He doesn't want to interact with me anymore, says his life is none of my business, which hurts alot. There are rare glimpses of the love that used to keep us together but they are few and very far between, usually when he is half-asleep he will reach out and hug me, but nothing in awake time We find it hard to be civil, and every day arguments. Also, I don't feel as if he has bonded with the baby at all, although he will look after him if asked, does it in a detached way, no talking, smiling or interaction.

Anyway,I will get to the point for those of you still reading. (Wow- this is theraputic getting things down!) -

Last night, we lasted 5 mins after he came in before arguing.
I had a go at him because his mum told me he has been borrowing money from her to go out with his mates - i don't feel he should be doing this, he should be working instead of playing computer games and if he doesn't have the money he shouldn't be going out.
He lied and said he hadn't been on the games, he had been working (i know he had because his password isn't hard to work out, but i can't tell him this) and that he hadn't borrowed the money (why did his mum say he had? again he doesn't know she told me). I challenged him a few times and he wlaked out of the house, saying he'd be back to get his TV only, that he is leaving me forever, and he actually hates me as a person as I'm "too judgemental and shouldn't be prying into my relationship with my mum".

Later on I phoned him and he said he doesn't want to leave me, he does love me, he just can't deal with the arguments anymore, and he thinks it would probably be best for both of us if we split up, although that's not what he wants, he wants us to stay together but he doesn't think it's possible because of the problems.
Talk about vague. I know he is worn out by the arguing, so am I , but a I right in thinking that he is just trying to let me down gently? (I have been known to call him excessively when he has left in the past ) and that he is basically saying that unless he gets everything how he wants, with no-one challenging him on anything he does wrong, then he is just going to leave? I admit we have both been in the wrong, but i would honestly say him more than me.

I need you ladies to advise me on what to do for the best. I love him and don't want to split but if he doesn't love me anymore etc, then I'd rather know sooner rather than later when I have been given false hope he just up and leaves one day?

I haven't phoned him today because he wants to be left alone, but the limbo-land is hard!
Should I leave him well alone, even if he comes back (I think he will tonight or tomorrow)?
Or should I end things myself to save me the hurt later?

Would it be a good idea to get more of my old life back- Go out with friends more instead of 'old faithful' always in the house, and act happy but distant with him? This would be hard as I have huge resentment for him because he is quite selfish and uninterested in family life or me at the moment , and it hurts me.

He has said when I leave the house he breathes a sigh of relief, and when i come in or he comes in , an uneasy feeling, and tbh i feel the same.
He refuses to go for counselling, he is the 'bury head in sand' type.

Please advise if you can. have you ever managed to turn a situation like this round? Sorry for the horrifically long post!

[Ladyscratt]

TBH chick, I would let him have some time and you need it too. Some space might give you both time to think about what you really want. I would deffo leave him alone at the moment and not aggrivate the situation further.

I do beleive that when things get rough you need to have your own space and try to get the relationship back to the start where you remember what it was you loved about eachother. Try to forget about the problems and the irritants then when you are friends again and can talk then work through the issues and try to do it in a calm and civilised manner.

Yes he is being an arse particularly where baby is concerned, but if you want to save this and work at it then cooling off period is needed first.

[Supercherry]

I'm sorry you're going through this. He is a selfish, lazy mummy's boy from the sounds of things. Let him go. Play it cool and act happy as you have suggested. You deserve better. You can't make him change. Only he can do that. Let him do the running for once, and if he doesn't, well then you have your answer.

[Supercherry]

Oh and he sounds about 12yrs old seriously. Shirking his responsibilities to play on the computer- pathetic.

[Ladyscratt]

Are you sure its a footie game he is playing?

[prettywhiteguitar]

wow are you going out with my ex ?!

very familiar story, start thinking about yourself and kick the selfish pr*k to the kerb.

Mine was obsessed with football manager and was very happy unless i was requiring him act like an adult and stop being a selfish idiot.

You sound like you are pining for the relationahip that you had before your dc was born, which is what I was doing. I thought he would turn back into the lovely man he used to be......didn't happen and I put up with way too much.

[BlackFlower123]

Thanks Ladyscratt, I do think we need space from each other as it is wearing us both down. I have lost weight and get periods of feeling calm and rational (today) and then periods of feeling extreme anxiety (can't sleep or eat, what is he doing, no-one cares for me etc).
Yeah it is definately football game - well not game as such, but he goes on a local football forum and I know his password etc, so I can see he was on there answering 35 questions in 2 days all at the times he was supposed to be working on his business. I didn't confront him about this though as he will be angry at me for snooping, and probably just change his ID so I don't know that he's doing it anymore. He will also say he was working, just quickly answering some questions and accuse me of trying to control him. I just think he should be working, not playing computer games and walking his mum's dogs, eating her food, whilst I'm on the go all day looking after OUR kids and washing his clothes, making his dinner and packed lunch etc

Hi PrettyWhiteGuitar,
Maybe it is the same person - lol!
He seems to just want everything his own way or he will threaten to leave. I think he has lost all respect for me because I have begged him to come back a few times and like you said, put up with his bad behaviour. He thinks he has me where he wants me Last night he said on the phone "I'm going to bed now, phone me tomorrow if you want me to come back and speak to you" You see, I have to phone him and ask for him to come back and talk, then HE will decide when to come back, not me, probably after he has watched football. This is how it goes usually. He knows I love him and want him. I don't think he is neccessarily abusive, just having his cake and eating it and expecting me to run around after him with little in return, EXACTLY LIKE WHAT HE HAS WITH HIS MUM!

I want to assert myself and get him to respect me the way he did for the first 2 years, when he was fearful of losing me if he behaved like that. Now he acts like he couldn't care less if we are together or not.
But to assert myself, wouldn't I need to lay down rules for him as to what is acceptable to me and what is not? But that would push him away - he would just say I'm controlling him and leave. He acts like HE is the prize now and I should be lucky to have him - makes me sooo

Argh! How do I go about this?

I do know I can cope with the DC's on my own and do have some support with the kids from his mum and my sister, but no emotional support for me really.

Thanks SuperCherry, I know - he is definately a Mummy's boy at 31! He is an only child- it has always just been the 2 of them since his dad left when he was a baby. Now I think he is resenting that he is no longer the centre of attention with his mum - She is gaga over the DC and she's starting to confront him about his lack of responsibility and he doesn't like it one bit. I do feel bad for him though as he has shown great care and responsibility at times when we have been getting on well - I think he just thinks "F*ck it" because of all the arguments, and is worn down.

How do I assert myself and negotiate for change and get his respect without pushing him away???
ps- does anyone know how to get the underlining and bold things to work? I seem to have typed them right but it doesn't work for some reason? x

[Supercherry]

I think you have to really assert yourself and mean it, and be willing to follow through. You tell him what is or is not acceptable and he either likes it or lumps it. I get the impression that you want to assert yourself but because you love him you are willing to put up with his shit. He knows this and this is why he lacks respect for you.

For others to respect you, you really have to respect yourself and in doing so you may lose him. It's not you, it's him. You sound like a nice person, you deserve better. I should imagine you're still quite young too?

I've been through similar with my ex so I'm talking from experience. I never intended on being a single mum to my my 2yr old and 3mth old. I really wanted the relationship to work with their dad, but he didn't treat me properly, so after giving him chance after chance I ended it. I feel so much stronger now and happier. It is hard though. However, I don't think it is as hard as putting so much effort into a relationship where you get nothing back. Your self esteem will take a battering if you allow him to treat you with anything less than love and respect.

[BlackFlower123]

Hi Supercherry,
Thank You for replying again. (: You are spot on - completely! he thinks i will put up with unreasonable stuff from him because i love him so much. He never used to be like this.

Yeah I'm 22, he's 31. Although in saying that I've been living independently since i was 15 and he is still a Mummie's boy, didn't move out until he was 30 and only because we had our DS!

I really do want to assert myself here as I know it will be terrible for my self-respect if I let him walk all over me.

I know no -one is perfect but here are some things I'd really like from him:

*To spend more time with us as a family, even if only once a month or so.

*To take more responsibility for budgeting his money and stop relying on his mum so much

*To stop drinking as much. He drinks 3-6 beers EVERY night, although he doesn't get drunk or angry or anything like that, but he has pawned his jewellery before just to get beer - I think only someone on the slippery slope to having a problem would do this. I wish he would have some alcohol-free days and use his willpower before it becomes a big problem. He denies it is and says he just likes to unwind after work, but is very defensive if i say i think he has a problem

*To get more involved with DC's (he did this this morning - played with them)

He called me last night to say he loves me to bits but hated when I 'speak to him like that' so he couldn't handle it anymore and left to avoid argument. All very well and good if you don't have 2 DC's to be responsible for !!!!

argh. We did have a good talk about money though when he did come back (I made him wait until I came back from visiting family - woohoo go me ) and he said he would budget better from now on.

Any ideas what boundaries/ rules I should be setting? What is forbidden for your OHs? and what do you expect from them?
xxx

[Supercherry]

Hi Blackflower, I can't really post much right now as I have to go out but I just have to repeat, you deserve so much better than this.

I will be back on tonight with some suggestions.

[ItsGraceAgain]

Hi, BlackFlower, how are things at home now?

I have had some success with 'behaviour modification' tactics - although I would have have been far better off ditching them straight away. I'd like to think your relationship is different - although the living with his mum and pawning stuff for drinks lead me to think you've got a bad 'un there. Sorry

Anyway, you're not ready to add him to your wheelie bin just yet, so here's my advice.

Yes, do a lot more stuff for you. Good that you're reviving your friendships; keep it up! If you can, add a course of study and/or go back to a creative interest that you've dropped. Ratchet up the gym/swimming, or join local exercise classes. You can do all of these with small kids in tow - also, get yourself a new look. Overall, put YOURSELF and the DCs FIRST, at all times.

Don't bother acting happy if you're not. The important thing is to rebuild your self-love and self-respect, lying about your feelings won't help.

What you need to do instead (IMO) is learn to stay calm and factual. Some people, especially women and including me, have a tendency to express things emotionally. Try to break the habit.
"Please take the rubbish out." No more, no less, no feeling. Repeat as necessary If you absolutely must express a feeling, make sure you stick with "I feel such-and-such about xyz" - never "You make me feel ..."

Wrt to your shouting, I've done this for most of my life and it isn't smart - it's meeting abuse with abuse. Hopefully, you can be responsible for the way you react just by thinking about it (deep breath & count to 10 really does work!) but, if it's too ingrained, how about getting a counsellor? They can help you fix that in just a couple of sessions.

I hope at least some of this has been some help.

[Supercherry]

Blackflower, have you considered Relate for the both of you?

I am clutching at straws here, because to me, I can't see you being happy in this relationship. He sounds like an alcoholic and that alone is such a huge obstacle to overcome. You can't help him in all honesty. He needs to want to help himself.

All you can do is tell him straight, no games, what you want. If he can't be what you want then I don't see a way forward. The problem is that you just can't change other people.

Please concentrate on yourself and your DC.