Husband has been depressed for years

[Mumarch]

The main symptom is not earning a living, and defending his position angrily if challenged. I did finally suggest what I saw as highly odd behaviour was depression about five years ago. Since then he has done little to address it. He has a very part time job now, but didn't earn a single penny last year, and expects me to pay for everything. But without saying thank you, or even noticing that he very often wasted money. He had a priviledged upbringing and his parents had inherited money, and I just think he is taking me for a ride and doesn't mind enough that it makes me unhappy and is destroying our 21 year marriage (3 kids - two older one at primary school). I have no one close to me who can talk to him honestly, and he does not have these kinds of friends either. I feel very isolated. He lost his father last year, and his mother, although frail, is very concerned about situation and once thanked me for 'looking after him'. But I don't want to be a carer, I want to be a wife and equal partner in this marriage. I am at the end of my tether (been there often before, just pick self up and carry on). Bring out the absolute bitch in me, but all he says is 'You are very angry'. He is dead right I am. But really just very sad.

[pottycock]

He needs to get to the doctor. You can't be expected to stay in a marriage like this if he isn't prepared to try and help himself. I know how demoralising it can feel to be the only 'functional' one.

If he refuses to help himself - you need to consider whether you want this for your life.

[choosyfloosy]

It's bloody hard isn't it. And the worst bit I sometimes think is when they start feeling better and doing stuff, and everyone around them is clapping their hands and smiling and you are the grey-faced sourpuss in the corner in a hump because you are so sh*ing tired.

Did he ever go to his GP? Does he have a CPN/psychiatrist? Do you ever go to those appointments, if so?

I always say 'Relate' but there's good reasons for that. I'd say it's urgent. Get him to book the appointment if you can, but go anyway.

Anger bespeaks more hope than indifference. I wouldn't be suprised if things get better.

[Mumarch]

Thanks so much for response.
He sucks all the oxygen out of the house.
In fact last year it reached the absolute pits when he broke his leg doing something stupid and careless, just when he was at last thinking about earning a bit (gracious of him) and thus rendering himself even more helpless. Then he blamed me because I had been cross with him shortly before.

I am Under enormous pressure to look OK, go out to meetings, look after small child etc, I sometimes do get very angry indeed.
So I went to Mental Health unit to get referra while he was in hospital, and when we moved house to lower mortgage and therefore stress, he took ages to reengage with local mental health team. On cytalopram which helps his appalling temper, and saw psychotherapist for first time today.

But then he always tells me that I am the one who needs to see someone because my anger quite obviously indicates that I am the one with the problem. Frankly, words fail me...

My father was pretty useless, and they say you marry your father. I was young when I married and sort of hoped he would grow up. But all the signs of unreality syndrome were there. I asked for it I suppose.

[NotQuiteCockney]

It wouldn't be a bad idea for you to see someone, tbh. It sounds like you're having a very hard time, and some professional support wouldn't go amiss. Maybe you could make a deal with him, you go see someone, and he'll go see someone?

[Mumarch]

He saw someone he liked again today. Due to move he lost contact with health trust before where he saw someone just x2 so there has been a gap. But I simply don't have time to see people, I have books to write and work to do, and children to look after. And I know I am pretty sane. His worst breakdown took place a month after a difficult birth, and I just went out and got a job. The thing is, taking pills and having therapy due to other people's behaviour is not my way.

[AandO]

I went to a counsellor a few years back as I couldn't stop being angry about my husbands behaviour with his depression. She said that the reason I can't get over my anger over past incidences due to his depression is that he is still doing the same thing, that nothing has changed and that to get over the anger would be to accept his behaviour...which was never going to happen! Just talking did make me feel better though.

[Mumarch]

Thank you AandO. Brilliant advice. Of course we are angry, and it is a completely sane reaction. How did your husband's depression manifest itself?

[GypsyMoth]

who diagnosed his depression ? gp i assume.

my ex h had 'depression' for years,his behaviour was bad,similiar to what you describe but his temper was worse and he was violent. i got so sick of having to 'babysit' this man. i left evdentually

he wanted contact but his behaviour had got worse so i challenged this and we ended up in court where a judge ordered a psychiatric assesment.

the psychiatrist said he wasn't and never had been depressed.

apparently gp's all too easily diagnose 'depression' when its not actually that at all,but they still give the medication out. depression isnt as common as it seems. not true depression.....there must be many people out there who are mis diagnosed. (when i left him i was in a hostel and told i would get re housed quicker if on anti d's.....was a doddle to go to gp,act the part....voila! got some anti d prescriptions,which i never took)

my ex has been since re diagnosed properly,with a psychiatrist and psychologist.....he has a personality disorder,not depression.

[cestlavielife]

books to read -
depression fallout by anne sheffield - whos how you as the partner of depression sufferer get affected..

but also please read why does he do that inside the mind of angry and controlling men by lundy bancroft . he refers thru out to "abusers" and you may think no that's not him - but on reading i recognized that what i dismnissed as "depression" was something far more insidious...helped me to see straight...

the latter may allow you to see what is really "depression" and what is not..also you say you get angry - will you recognize yourself in the book? or will you understand that yours is a reaction only...

[cestlavielife]

shows how you...

[Mumarch]

Thank you, all. VEry helpful thoughts. He is much less difficult and moody now he is on ADs, and we have far fewer really bad days. Will check out those books.

[Mumarch]

ordered depression fallout, will see what happens with therapy and if I need the one about angry controlling men. He is not really like that any more though, much easier since medicated which says to me that it is depression and not personality disorder. Although I did suspect that at one dark point when he was in denial.
thank you all of you for making me feel normal
x

[AandO]

Hi mumarch, glad to hear the ADs are helping. DH was on them for 6 years, they definately made a difference but at the same time he was never at a 'normal' person level. Also he kept on thinking he was fine and taking himself off them only to completely hit the bottom shortly afterwards. The last things he was on were cipromel and lithuim. He also was not great at the working. He did work but would often not turn up to work, I'd get a call asking where he was, he'd switch off his phone and wonder the streets all day, I'd be frantic! Anyway, three years ago he went to uni as a mature student (I had to fill out all the forms etc obviously!) and then 3 weeks later I had ds. He totally changed, he is now no longer depressed. Still v v anxious, can't fill out forms made phone calls etc but not depressed. It's amazing, years of cbt, counselling and ADs then something as simple in a way as going to uni changes everything.

[AandO]

So I guess once he knew what he wanted from life he was happy. I would have never beleived that something external to him could have helped. I spoke to my husband about this thread. He said that you should leave your dh!