HELP!!! Sex life killed off by 9 year old!!

[catemary]

Don't know if anyone has any experience of this....my 9 yr old dd has been having a few problems for a while, divorced from her dad and remarried and she's been a bit upset abot things. We were really getting to grip with it all but recently she started asking questions about the facts of life (turns out there is a lot of talk going on at school and some of the kids are REMARKABLY well informed!) So.....answered all her questions, got her a book, tried to make it all sound as normal as possible etc etc. Problem is now she is convinced me and dh are at it all the time and throws herself in our path whenever she can to put a spanner in the works, gets up out of bed etc. Asks rather personal questions about us which I've told her are private. Even when I knwo she's asleep I now can't relax in case she wakes up. Suppose it's good that she can talk to us but hadn't been prepared for this - I never thought my parents were at it when I was her age so a bit shocked she just assumed it was something we do...wish now I had just lied and said sex is just for making babies or not for oldies like us but subscribed to honesty is best policy...any advice appreciated, feeling rather low and want to make her feel better about it all but also need a bit of privacy with dh every now and then!!!!

[AnyFucker]

just keep reassuring her you love her and gently remind her that two grown-ups need their privacy occasionally

you did the right thing in being honest

just wait it out, I am sure this is just a phase

[Nyx]

I agree with AnyFucker, I think it's great that she feels she can be open about these things with you but I can understand why you're getting a bit frustrated! I think it's a phase too, she will probably stop it in a short while. If you act as if it's nothing, she will hopefully drop it.

[Ladyscratt]

I remember feeling this way when my mother got divorced I was jealous of stepfather and hated the thought of him touching her like that, I was about her age too.

I think this might be an insecurity thing, not saying that you are not doing your job as her mum but despite everything, she still feels insecure. Not sure what to suggest, I got over it by focussing my attention on something else (horses that lived opposite)

Is there something that you can get her interested in then she might let off you a little bit? is she your only child?

[catemary]

Thanks for all your replies. I do think it has to do with her feeling insecure, we were having a few problems with her wanting to listen in on conversations etc before this. her natural dad has just announced he's remarrying and i think she doesn't feel too great about that. I also have a dd2 who is 6, ds of 2 and stepdaughter 11. No issues with jealousy with youngest, she adors him and is brilliant with him, she does get a bit jealous of her sisters. Focusing her energy on something else is good i think - she is an excellent swimmer and this seems to help. but how would you go about answering personal questions (ie, how often do we do it, do we do it when she is in the house? what exactly do we do?!!!!!) I have tried saying this is private but that i will answer any more general questions she has. I'm a bit disturbed that she asks such personal questions tbh

[Malificence]

Gently explain that sex is kept private and it's not appropriate to ask such personal questions about your sex life.
Just say that yes, you do have sex because you love each other very much and it's your own special time together.
I'd also put a lock on the bedroom door and ask her not to come barging into the room or to start knocking/making a fuss if she thinks you're "at it".

[catemary]

Thanks, the explaining it's private and not appropriate is what I've done, just wanted a but of reassurance that this was the right road to go down really. We have got her knocking on doors which is a start, desperate to put a lock on the door but think it might set her off on one at the moment as she seems to think we are always coming up with ways to sneak off and have sex once sees asleep (which isn't far wrong at the moment....barricaded the living room door with the sofa once she was asleep the other night, she woke up and we had to pretend we were measuring up for a carpet...I know this sounds funny, maybe I should see the funny side!)

[SolidGoldBrass]

Yes, keep gently explaining to her that sex is private and that it's not polite to ask other people personal questions about their sexual habits any more than it's polite to ask them detailed questions about their eating habits or how often they take a dump.
She will get over it. 9 is a funny age as in some cases a 9 year old is already beginning the hormonal storms of puberty or heading for them, so while she's got some idea of what sex is all about she is young enough to find it both icky and a bit frightening yet simultaneously fascinating. Getting her interested in other things and giving her lots of affection and attention will help it pass, best of luck.

[Bobbiewickham]

My ds1 went through a phase of nicking our condoms to prevent occurences of nookie.

Bless

[catemary]

Ha ha
is it normal to ask questions about us though, is this just curiosity? I don't want to give her TOO much information but on the other hand I DO want to send out positive messages about sex and not give her unnecesary hang ups. She is showing signs of puberty already and has all the signs of teenage hormonal rages! (we've had "I hate you" but I'm waiting on "you've ruined my life"......)
Suppose it's better that she talks to us, friends parents didn't broach teh subject with their dd at all then found out she was having sex at 12

[AnyFucker]

look at the funny side, yes

this reminds of the time DD walked in bedroom to say "mummy, why have you got your head under the quilt?"

errr...just looking for my earring, love, I seem to have lost it...

so she makes a quick dive, saying she will help to find it

DH gave a good impression of a scalded cat

[catemary]

Sorry, can't stop laughing now, that helped a lot!!! lightened my mood if nothing else

[Poledra]

I would think it's perfectly normal to ask questions about you - she's trying to assess what's 'normal' I suppose. After all, how many times do adult women worry about how many times they have sex, are other people having more/better sex than they are, what is the 'average'? And of course, she's probably totally grossed out by the thought that you might be doping it while she's in the house Telling her that some things are private between you and her stepfather is fine, but giving some more general information would be good.

I do think it's great that she's asking you rather than anyone else.

[catemary]

yeh, that's what I'm trying to hang onto really, if she can talk to me freely now then hopefully she will when she's older and sex becomes a real issue. just wasn't prepared for it as I wouldn't of dared ask my mum such things but then I wasn't ever able to talk to her about anything which just proves a point I guess! Glad that my daughter can ask me stuff, however bloody awkward it is!

[cumbria81]

I can't believe she has only just found out about sex...I think you left it a little late to tell her about the birds and the bees.

That said, I am sure she will get over the shock soon!

[catemary]

My mum didn' tell me anything until I was 12, bit irresponsible really, she still thinks I have talked to dd too young but I thought 9 was fine???

[Poledra]

If she's asking the questions, she's old enough to need the answers, IMO.

[catemary]

I agree, and I do wish I'd done it sooner, will know better with dd2

[Ladyscratt]

My mum didn't tell me anything either and she sort of isolated me a bit when stepf arrived, was all a bit horrible really.

Do think she needs to focus on something though, get her away from her siblings too for a break, is there anyone who could have her for a night occasionally? have you tried a family support person from social services?

I used to get one night a week at a youth club type place and once a year we had a week long camping trip away.

Some people think Sservices are there to cause problems for families, but if you can get a bit of support with her, they may be able to offer some form of rest by a club or event for her to go to once a week.

Or if thats a bit extreme then see what else is about locally.

[gagamama]

I remember going through a phase like this at that sort of age. I was just terrified of my parents having sex, because in my mind that meant they weren't thinking about me and therefore (in my 9-year-old head) didn't love me during sex. Definitely an insecurity thing. I really don't think things like locking the door are particularly going to help your DD come to terms with her you being intimate with your DH, she will probably just convice herself that you love sex more than you love her, in addition to thinking you're at it all the time.

Have you tried just doing it at different times, eg. middle of the night, first thing in the morning, while she's at school or her dad's or something? Leave the door open when you go to bed, and don't have sex. Just for a while, just until she's relaxed enough about the existence of sex to not be totally preoccupied about it any more.

[NinaJane]

Hi catemary, does your daughter realise that not every sexual encounter results in a pregnancy/baby?

Perhaps she is frightened of you having another baby - especially since she now has step siblings to deal with as well.

When my daughter was 8 years old, I decided to raise the sex topic with her - I was curious to see how much she knew, as it would tell me where to fill in the missing parts. So, I told her that I needed her to explain to me what sex was.

Her answer was priceless - she said to me: "Mom you should know - you've done it four times!!!!!!" (I have 4 children...)

Perhaps if she knows that you having sex is not going to result in a baby, she will feel better about it - use the opportunity to explain to her (again) that sex between two people, who love each other, is normal and beautiful. Make a deal with her - tell her that you will allow her a special privilege (one that none of the other children have) if she will allow you and your husband your privacy.

Good luck.

[catemary]

hiya
thanks all for such lovely and helpful posts! it's not the baby thing that's upsetting her, she knows about contraception and I think she would quite like another baby anyway! i think it's just that she thinks it's all a bit weird and horrible at the moment. think we are just going to have to be creative about when and where we do it for a while - she does go to her dad's every saturday and my mum sometimes has them overnight so it's not like we'll never have the opportunity, we both just feel a bit tense and guilty about the whole thing at the moment! Hopefully, as has been said, if we build on her self esteem she will come to accept it and the novelty of the whole thing will wear off! In the meantime I'm going to ahve to schedule sex in on the family calendar