Rubbish DH or DP- let off steam with me, grumble thread

[Facebookaddict]

Am livid with DH for a number of reasons but just hating the fact that he's turning me into a moaning nag so trying to vent here instead and see if it helps.

Background- 7 yrs together, 2 DC am currently on mat leave about to return to work and getting increasingly annoyed about all the tasks I do while he considers it okay to watch hours of rugby of a weekend.

He has had the two kids for max one hour alone since DD arrived and my only day off in 7 months was because my lovely mum and dad had the kids.

He's a loving father and partner and in some ways I know I'm very lucky (and I tell him) but I know he's lucky too (and never hear this or any compliments on the kids, house, admin etc).

I know the subdivision of jobs is always female loaded but I constantly feel angry that he doesn't do more.

He's never ever packed for the kids for holidays or overnighters and has to be asked for every single little job to be done. The balance of power is odd as I'm at home now in mat leave but I've lost perspective on what is normal... How much do your husbands do/ don't do????

[rubyslippers]

have you ASKED him to do stuff?

IMO and IME if i ask (and yes, it is annoying) stuff gets done

if you are feeling aggrieved then say something

how come he has only been on his own with the children once in 7 months?

you say "DH i am off out next Saturday for shop/lunch etc"

it is ok for your DH to watch rugby/unwind as long as you get the equivalent down time as well

[Facebookaddict]

When I ask it does get done but I'm sick of having to ask for basic things like, "pick her up, she's crying" or "please can you help him with his shoes". I sometimes wonder if he's waiting for me to bark instructions so have tried letting it all go with the flow and just seeing if he copes but all hell breaks lose - I don't mean that they are seriously compromised just that things don't get done properly, which although it sounds like I'm being an over controlling perfectionist(maybe), usually means I get to pick up the pieces of a child who has injured themselves/hasn't been fed/is over tired screamy.

It only gets to me when i'm tired but I know from comparisons of close kids with children (and I'd common consensus between us) that he dies HHS least.
I'm sure it's probably my attitude that us making this worse, I'm just really naffed off.

[superchick]

Hi

We don't have any kids (yet) and my bloke is similar to yours. Having kids worries me because if I do everything now what will my life be like then?

He's not 'rubbish' actually, he's just cooked a lovely sunday roast in fact, and he does supermarket shopping without complaint. I love him loads, we have lots of fun and he is usually very kind. However I do all the crappy boring jobs at home and he ignores things that he doesn't enjoy unless I repeatedly ask him to do it getting increasingly upset or annoyed. I don't know which is worse: being a massive stroppy nag or a doormat who does everything wiothout complaint. I don't want to be either.

As we are not married (together 3 years, living together for 1.5) and have some seperate finances and belongings etc I have no place doing his admin or clearing out his wardrobe but piles of unopened letters and stuffed to bursting cupboards full of crap (unwanted xmas presents, things that should have gone to the charity shop years ago, spare computer parts, sports stuff) really wind me up. I would hate it if he messed with my 'crap' but I tidy up and put things away. He doesn't care if the place is a mess and he doesn't really care very much that I care about it. Only if I have a massive strop does he think that life would be easier if he cleaned up after himself. Then a few hours later we are back to square one.

I mean seriously how hard is it to rinse the bath/shower when you get out? Or take your dirty plates and mugs back in to the kitchen?

Phew it does feel good to get it off your chest doesn't it!

[Facebookaddict]

Superchick- god I feel panicked for you about the life after kids already! And yes my otherwise lovely DH was like that and we never used to row as I time to blitz it all!
Maybe someone wise will tell me how to back track and how you can fix him before you get the 15 loads of washing a week that I do!!!

[superchick]

God I hate washing. He doesn't do washing unless he needs a particular item immediatly in which case he will put it in the machine on its own!

We have talked about division of labour once we have kids because I too have felt the panic. He insists that he will pull his weight and acts like my concerns are absurd but I am convinced that he has no idea what this will mean.

He is a few years younger than me and I know his mum did everything for the family when he was growing up (for various good reasons which I wont go into) and he wasn't encouraged to do jobs around the house like I was growing up. But he's lived alone and in shared houses and he always managed not to drown in rubbish and filth.

I've tried letting it all go, perhaps I too am a bit of a perfectionist, but I always break before he even notices anything. I guess nagging is the only way.

[Facebookaddict]

Soooo similar. awful realization that mine is also down to very stereotyped split of roles in DH's upbringing (my parents did half and half) and my kids are going to the same unless i sort it out!