When will I be able to move on/forget?

[Sunshine2]

DH snogged a work colleague weeks ago and i am having real difficulty moving forward- I want to but just can't! It's driving me mad.

He is very sorry and is trying do hard to make things right. We went to see counsellor last week & initially I felt better but now I feel worse. I can't help but wonder about everything. What if I hadn't found out?- would it have become an affair. I hate the fact he sees her every day & this won't change. I know she wanted more & kept texting him after I found out even though she knew I was so angry. He told her it was wrong & wouldn't happen again.

I know from Reading other posting that many of you have been through worse betrayals but I am heartbroken. This has shaken me to the core & my dh is not who I thought he was. I can't believe this has happened & so want it to go away.

I trust few people anyway but always trusted my dh. Now I feel I will never trust him again. He works in a highly stressful workplace with a drinking culture so can I really expect him to never go out again. This colleague is always there on nights out too.

[Sunshine2]

Anyone out there?

[NotSureHowMuchMoreICanTake]

that's really hard sunshine

• similar thing happened to me and I have to say although it doesn't eat me up I absolutely do not trust him

• I mentioned it to male friend at work - who I always thought totally loyal and trustworthy etc and his first reaction was "why did he tell you?" - he reckons most men would stray if temptation arose

my friend says he just makes sure he doesn't get into situations where the temptation arises as that is teh only way to be 100% sure you can avoid it

so yes, for now at least I think you have to ask him not to go on drinks nights out and expect him to respect that

did teh snog happen on one of these nights out? how did you find out about it?

whether you will ever trust him again - hard to say - ime I don't

[chippychippybangbang]

Get a book called "Not just friends" by Shirley P Glass available on Amazon, would link but I am crap. It might seem overkill at the moment, but I bet you'd find it useful.

I think it's great you found out at this stage as it gives you chance to do something about it, and work on any vulnerable areas within your relationship.

Try and see it as a wake up call, rather than a sign that everything's going wrong. Your DH sounds to be reacting really positively, and trying to reassure you which really is the most important thing.

Try to let it go, and put it behind you. This might take weeks, or months, but you will have to move on at some point. He will need to be very open and honest with you, and maybe to avoid work do's for a while until this settles down. If he wants to reassure you, he'll understand why this is so important. Alcohol and work do's are a horrible mix when there is a potential OW lurking about.

[Sunshine2]

Notsurehowmuch- I found out through texts from OW( though these were just friendly chat) that she had been with him while he meet up with uni friends. When I asked him I knew by his response he was gulity of something but took 2 weeks before he admitted it.

When I look back she was texting him quite regular over silly things. Why would a married woman text a married man unless there was some sort of attraction/emotional relationship?

I really don't want him to go out for drinks as she will always be there but I feel like a psycho especially as I know they have big night this week after winning an award that dh was mainly responsible for. He respects that but says he would love me to go. Not sure if I could cope with seeing her.

Chippy- on a plus note, we have eventually got a babysitter organised. In 5 years we haven't left dcs with anyone expect family( and they live hrs &hrs away ). So nights out have been few & far between. I knew I needed to get childcare so we could go to counselling. Our sex life was ok but through laziness/ tiredness was not as often as we would have liked. Since the incident it feels like we teenagers again. I think this is due to us feeling so emotional & needed to feel close. Though after sex sometimes I can't sleep wondering ifhe has had sex with anyone else. He has been my only lover so it would destroy me to know he had been with someone else.

I have told him , I would love to do it to him to let him know how it feels- what a bitch. I am so so angry with the whole situation & how it has fucked up my whole perception of us & our relationship. I never envied others relationship- I thought ours was great.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

The most important thing is to get to the bottom of why he thinks it happened, see why you think it happened and then come to a shared understanding. Counselling will help with this.

It has rocked your world and you now feel unsafe - this is normal. He's not turned into a bad person overnight - and wouldn't have done, even if he'd had an affair. He did a bad thing and fortunately, you found out. The reason you need to get to the bottom of this is because you found out and he didn't call a halt to this voluntarily, plus he lied to you initially, if my memory serves me correct.

You are re-claiming eachother at the moment, hence feeling like teenagers again. That will be a very good glue for the future, but you must persevere with the counselling.

You must go to the work event, looking fabulous. At that event he must be visibly proud that you're at his side and in your shoes, I would be dignified with the OW. Show her you are a team and that you've got a wall around you that cannot be transgressed. If she comes to speak to you, through gritted teeth tell her you're grateful for the wake-up call and hope she uses it in the same way. Reinforce that your marriage is impenetrable.

Work socials without you should be off the agenda for a long time - and not while she's still there. It's a minimum condition for the moment.

[Sunshine2]

Thanks whenwillifeelnormal- he says he has racked his brains and thinks the reason it happened was because he loved the attention. He is her boss and maybe it made him feel all powerful because at home is was just a normal husband/father. He said previously he enjoyed her company as she was so funny & always up for a laugh/ getting drunk. (though she has 2children and works fulltime so can't see how she has time for all these nights out) I have never seen her so don't even know what she looks like.

I really would be too scared to go out with him this week- feel bit vunerable & feel everyone would know why I was there. Actually might not be able to trust myself if she came to speak to me- think she sounds the type who would.( brass neck and all that- dh says she is a bit rough??)

DH is a quietish person & has great difficulty expressing emotion. I know going to the counselling was very difficult for him. Throughout the session I felt bad as the counsellor seemed to keep siding with me. I didn't feel he opened up much but I think he doesn't really have much to say as he says it wasn't premediated. I really want to improve our communication about our relationship as he has always found those conversations uncomfortable.

I really really want to move forward but it seems to consume me most days. He has let me check all his mobile bills & bank statements & wants it all to be an open book. In saying this, he appears to think all is sorted until a few days later when I dredge it up again. I think it is now me damaging the marriage. I really wonder if I have all the information as it all seemed to come in drips & drabs. How can I lay it all to rest- when does life feel normal again- think I am grieving for my old marriage- keep thinking about if he went away with friends how I never felt suspicious- can't see that trust happening again. I don't think I took this for granted as a given in our relationship

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Everything you're feeling is completely normal - have you read Not Just Friends? You both need to read it.

You won't feel normal for some time yet - see my user name - but it will come - and probably sooner for you because there was no sexual infidelity or sustained emotional infidelity.

Your H has got to realise that things will not "go back to normal". It would be erroneous if they did. Something about the "normal" caused this to happen - and you want a new, different, affair-proofed marriage. You are doing all the right things (apart from not buying that book ). He is doing some of the right things, but not all.

Finding it difficult to express his emotions won't work as a behaviour choice any more - if your marriage would be helped by him communicating his feelings to you more, he should work on doing so.

You might also find a site called Beyond Affairs useful. The male half of this company had an affair and he sounds rather like your H. A fundamentally good man who never opened up about his feelings to people, didn't realise he needed attention and only realised this unmet need when a work colleague started giving him attention.

Your H is probably right to some extent about his need for attention - and of course now you are meeting that. But there might be more to this - and a more fundamental issue of his instinct to conceal and lie rather than come clean at the first opportunity.

Counselling might get to the bottom of the reasons for that behaviour and his difficulty communicating - the attention-seeking might be a bit of a red herring.

It might feel to you (and him) that you are picking at a wound, but we do this when we instinctively know that things don't add up, or we haven't addressed the root cause. It is normal - and had I not done it, I don't think we would ever have got to the bottom of this - and we've got a great marriage now. much better than pre-affair.

If you cannot go to the work do - he should not. Really he shouldn't - don't feel bad for making requests that will give you peace of mind. He shattered it - he has to restore it.

[Sunshine2]

Thanks wwifn. You are wonderfully insightful & inspirational. Will order that book tonight- counsellor recommended it too.

I do definitely recognise he has problems opening up & realise I know little of what goes on in his mind. He kept some major family secret from me & I didn't find out to a few years ago- by accident I may add.

I have always worn my heart on my sleeve so find this hard to understand why he wouldn't want to share his feeling with me. When his dad died a few years ago he internalized his grief rather than opening up to me. There is only so much you can pester someone to talk.

I hope counselling will work though I wonder if he will continue to nod in the right places. He seems to think it is something that is important for me to relay my emotions & anger but I really wish for him to find it benefital for him too.

He is a good man & a wonderful father and I hope I will stop looking backwards. Know I am not doing myself any favours. Funny thing was, we were about to try for no. 3 & this has obviously stopped all this. So it is hard to look forward when my little life plan has been messed up. I feel so sad about it all.

[chippychippybangbang]

sunshine, I think you'll be ok, try not to feel too sad.

Agree, go to the work do and look fabulous. Treat yourself to a new hairdo, outfit etc and have fun with your DH. Ignore her wherever possible, she doesn't need to know how much she's rattled you.

Glad you are getting book, it was a bit late to help my situation, but it was a really interesting read and I wish I'd read it sooner.

PS I think whenwillI is great too, although she knows me better under my usual name

[DeeLite]

So sorry you are going through this, Sunshine. I know how wretched you feel. This time last year I found out that my DH had been having a year long affair with someone at work. I was absolutely devastated and the last year has been a real emotional rollercoaster with some really scary awful dips but there have been lots of high points too and we've both made it through.

When I first found out, he wasn't sure what he wanted. I desperately wanted us to stay together. We went to Relate and decided to try to work things out. One of the conditions was that he broke all contact with her.

Three weeks later, I found out that they had been meeting for coffee and chats. That was somehow as bad as the original betrayal and it's the thing that still haunts me most. Anyway, the new condition was that he broke contact and found a new job. I don't think we really began to move on until he found a new job. Is that a possibility for your husband? If not, I think it will be really hard for you to move on.

Counselling will be really good though. It was a lifeline for me and helped me through those awful months. It was hard to talk outside of counselling without it turning into a big row but we spoke honestly in counselling and we both learned a lot about each other and the value of our relationship.

I hope things work out for you. It's really sad but you will get through it. Sorry for the cliche but time is an amazing healer and you'll learn lots about yourself and come out the other side stronger and wiser (but obviously still wishing it hadn't happened).

[Sunshine2]

Thanks so much for all your replies. Feeling bit better today as back at work so not as much time to think about things.

Just worried about the future for us. Will there be another girl somewhere down the line etc as I know in the environment he works in there will always be some sort of temptation/escapism.

We are very good at brushing things under the carpet as my dh hates confrontation/ emotional chats. Historically, I find it hard to forgive if someone had hurt me badly too.

I also go between thinking it was a drunken kiss to thinking they were off shagging somewhere. He says it wasn't premediated but I am unsure of this because why invite her out otherwise? He must have known she was willing. I will definitely be making myself more visible at work nights out in future. Counsellor says he has to speak about me & our family in a positive way at work to make others realise we are a strong unit.- I strongly agree with this.

I am hoping our session this week will focus more on him & I can get more of an insight to his feeling. I think I have probably said enough. Did anyone feel they totally had the full story? I really feel I need this before I can lay it to rest. Trouble is I can imagine him telling me more as he knows it would cause further upset.

[countingto10]

Sunshine, I didn't get the full story on my DH's infidelity until about six months after discovery. As Whenwill has said in previous threads, it was like discovery day all over again. He said it was because what he did was so awful he couldn't bring himself to confess to himself or me and what he did was awful.

The affair ended 9 months ago and lasted for about 3 months in all. We had about 4 months counselling and I am really struggling atm because we are coming up to loads of 1st anniversaries, ie when they first had sex, when he left me etc. He knows I am struggling and want to discuss it but he finds it so difficult because I get upset and he has to admits to hugh failings as a husband and father.

I have ordered "Not Just Friends" and have told him that we will use it as the basis for discussions (short ones as that is all he feels he can cope with). Our counselling seemed to concentrate more on our childhoods and the legacy it left us with eg self esteem issues on both sides, insecurities on my side etc. The affair wasn't really addressed as our therapist felt it was caused by all the other issues in the marriage. She did tell my DH that he would have to discuss it with me and I should write any questions down for him to answer as he may find it easier that way.

BTW I would love to bumped into OW on a night out just to let her know that she is irrelevant to us - I know I think about her a lot but she doesn't have to know it

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Sunshine 2 - I'm not sure anyone ever gets the whole story. The problem is that that the betraying person minimises so much at the beginning, that these become learnt memories. After a while, some things are also genuinely forgotten, especially details of conversations. I've often wished I could see a transcript of every conversation or a DVD of every interaction, hellish and masochistic though that might sound, but at least then there would be no doubt or gaps to fill in.

Counting is right though, every time fresh information comes out, there is renewed pain. That's why I would always counsel anyone in our Hs' position to come clean right at the start - about everything. Having said all of that, on some issues, mine deluded himself that something meant one thing, when really it meant another, so there would always have been fresh realisations etc.

As an example of this, your H might be deluding himself that it wasn't pre-meditated and that it took him by surprise. You instinctively question that, and I think you're right to. You might suspect that there had been some heavy flirting and innuendo leading up to him inviting her along, but because you cannot prove what was going on in his head (i.e. his realisation that something could happen) he will insist that it was the furthest thing from his mind etc. The problem is, if he doesn't challenge some of these delusions and comfort blankets himself, he cannot protect himself from the next work do. It's going to take a lot for him to admit that he was fully aware of the attraction and therefore helped it along, but he needs to do it.

I want to pick up on points both you and Counting made Sunshine. You said
"We are very good at brushing things under the carpet as my dh hates confrontation/ emotional chats. Historically, I find it hard to forgive if someone had hurt me badly too." I understand that completely, but that was then in the "old relationship" and this is now in the "new one". One of the biggest breakthroughs you can make is to recognise that the behaviours of the past will not work now. My DH also hated those sorts of chats, but will now talk for hours about feelings and emotions.

Dealing with something as catastrophic as infidelity cannot be swept under the carpet with a series of brief chats before life reverts to normal. One of the reasons infidelity thrives in our society is because of poor communication between couples. This doesn't mean you shouldn't call time if a discussion is going round in circles or one or both of you is exhausted, but it is virtually impossible to deal with the fall-out from this without these "emotional" conversations.

Similarly, you may well have had trouble forgiving past hurts and slights, but infidelity (of any sort) is a big one to get past, because it goes to the heart of one's self esteem and feelings of safety.

It could be Sunshine, that the counselling reveals that your husband has always had trouble expressing his feelings and that this inability to discuss what's really important in life provided fuel to a potential affair. Emotionally retarded men, who only speak about sport, cars and work to their male friends, are especially vulnerable, I think. Along comes a fun, bubbly woman, who converses at a more emotional level - and the attraction is obvious.

The goal would be for your H to develop more emotionally intelligent male friendships, where feelings are discussed - and for him to open up to you about what really matters in life. You both need to connect on an emotional level in the future - it's an enormous barrier to future infidelity.

Try to have other conversations too that are not about the affair per se, but about your true feelings for eachother. One of our most memorable early conversations was about all the things we loved about the other - our qualities, the feelings we engendered in eachother. This is a positive conversation, that reminds you why you are there fighting for this marriage.

Counting, much of this applies to you too - I feel frustrated for you that your H is rationing the time spent discussing this - this means some of your needs are still being unmet, but the book will certainly help and I'm glad you're getting that. I know only too well what you mean about anniversaries - we are through all of those now, thank goodness and they weren't as bad as I'd feared. Still, something can catch me unawares - a reference to Summer 2008, or a piece of music from that time - and it hurts.

I've just started some solo counselling (long overdue tbh) but have only had one session so far, so too early to say how useful it might be.