Upset with DH - Long, sorry

[OmNomNomPi]

Am a regular but I've had to namechange because DH reads my posts (nosy git) and I have to vent, because there is no one in RL I can talk to really.

Basically, things haven't been going so well with us recently. We had a baby a few months ago and things were a bit tough at first, but then it got a little better. Now it's even worse.

The biggest problem is that he spends all his fucking day playing games on the fucking computer. This week, he has had a week off, and this has coincided with the bad weather, meaning we really haven't been able to get out with the pram. Neither of us drive. He has taken this as an opportunity to wake up in the afternoon, slope off to the computer and start playing. I'm talking about 10 hours a day. He hardly engages with DS and when he does it's usually when I have asked. So I'm left holding the baby and doing housework while he sits on his arse playing.

A few days ago I nearly completely lost it with him. I asked him give DS his bottle and then put him to bed, which he did (I was making dinner). DS was having a bit of a whimper in his cot, which he sometimes does for about 2-3 minutes before dropping off. DH came downstairs and sat at the computer. I asked him if he would go back upstairs and help him settle if he started crying, and he agreed. I waited a few minutes listening to DS crying whilst DH sat and played on the computer. Eventually I told him to go upstairs as I was busy cooking. He said ok, but a minute later he said, "actually can you do it, I'm about to start a raid." I slammed the knife down and went upstairs absolutely fuming.

Unfortunately this isn't the first example of this, just one of many. Most days I'll ask him to do something and the reply will be, "in a bit, I'm just doing X," or "can't you do it, I'm just doing this."
If I ask him to look after DS for a while whilst I have a break or do some tidying, he will sit him on his knee, or play with him for a few minutes and then just dump him in his bouncy chair, so he can go back to whatever it was he was doing on the computer. A few days ago I went for a bath, and DS was in his chair. Just as I got in the bath he started to cry. He was crying for about 10 minutes before DH actually bothered to do something about it. Please bear in mind that the bouncy chair was right fucking next to DH, and I get the feeling he only picked him up because he was irritating him, not because he was crying and needed comforting. He goes to bed later than I do (usually about 2ish) but will bring DS up to our bedroom, so I have to wake up to feed him in the night. If I bring DS downstairs and ask him to feed him, he usually says "well I'm coming to bed now," leaving me to feed DS even though I was asleep and he was wake.

If I don't constantly think up things for us to be doing, he's straight to the computer. I know it's dull sitting in all evening with nothing to do, and I know I'm hardly the most interesting person at the moment, but sometimes it really gets to me when he comes home from work and just goes to the computer. I may not have spoken to another adult all day and I would like some interaction, but instead I'm left to make my own (and DSs) entertainment. I don't know any other mums in my area and all my friends live far away.

He rarely helps around the house, but when he does he gets all huffy, and he even once said "I don't want to have to tidy all this up again. It's just 10 minutes a day, that's all you need to do to keep on top of it." I tell him my job is difficult and he says "well why don't you do mine and I'll stay in." (before maternity we worked in the same place doing the same job)
I hated my job, so I would rather stay with the baby, but he sees this as proof of my job being easier. It's really just proof that his job is hateful, not necessarily any harder. He expects me to keep the place spotless because, in his eyes, looking after DS is easy.

As a result of all of this, our love life has gone down the shitter. I have a very low sex drive anyway, however, recently been trying to feel more amorous, but any lustful thoughts are usually blown away when he says he can't do something because he is doing another sodding raid. Actually, I think if I hear the words "I'm just doing X," with regards to the computer game, one more time, I might actually fucking lose the plot completely. The lack of sex is also compounded by the fact that he doesn't seem as interested any more (he ususally initiated). I've gained a bit of weight since the pregnancy (used to be thin and toned) and I already think I'm unattractive, so this just makes it worse. I keep thinking that if he found someone else that I wouldn't blame him because who could, when all he has at home is a naggy, frigid, boring wife (my words, not his) who's only topics of conversation are, "DS did this today," and "someone on MN said this today."

I don't feel confident enough to broach the subject with him because he has a tendency to argue back by pointing out all the things I do wrong. I'm also terrified that he will say that having DS wasn't his idea in the first place and I pressured him into it and that's why he doesn't do much with him. (We agreed to TTC after I told him how much having a baby meant to me. A few days later he asked if we could stop, because we weren't in the best position financially. It was too late by this point though. He knows I could never even entertain the idea of an abortion.) I mean, he loves DS and he loves being a dad, but I think it's only the idea of being a dad that he likes, not the practical (feeding changing nappies etc.)

I'm just so miserable at the moment and I just can't bring myself to confront DH in case it makes me even more miserable. Sorry this has been such an epic tale, and well done anyone who has read through it all. Any advice on how to deal with this would be really appreciated, even if it is just telling me to grow a spine.

[GypsyMoth]

my ex was like this.....for years. sorry no advice. i left in the end for a variety of reasons,but he clearly see's time out of work as his 'own' time,not time to be spent with his family.

how long has this game addiction been going on for?

[mumblechum]

Sorry didn't read the entire post, but I think I've got the gist.

Is your dh 14 years old? If not, you really need to put your foot down.

[OmNomNomPi]

It's been going on for about 3 years ish. He has admitted to me in the past that he is addicted, but he said this when he had deregged and we didn't have internet, so he couldn't play. He also didn't have the same responsibilities in the past, so it bothered me less.

I also think it's a lot easier for him to admit he has a problem when he isn't in the middle of it.

[OmNomNomPi]

I do put my foot down, but I have to pick my battles otherwise I'd be stamping about all the time.

I think his addiction to it may be linked to the fact that he is in a crappy dead-end job, getting no where, and at least in game he is achieving something. He is incredibly clever and he must feel so downtrodden about not achieving his potential where he is, but at the moment he can't find another job.

[Callisto]

I'm just staggered that you had a child with someone so immature. Has he always been so manipulative and selfish?

[Callisto]

And you're enabling his behaviour too judging by that last post.

[liamsdaddy]

At a guess, and not being a shrink I probably don't have a clue (other then being male). I would suspect he is becoming slightly resentful of the attention DS gets and then trying to hide in him own little world rather than actually deal with it.

He's being a twat and is going to lose so much by not interacting with DS.

For you, you need to get out the house and meet up with others. We did a NCT class and we still meet up regularly with the others who were there. That's a good way to blow of some steam (and moan about DH's I'm sure). It's not easy getting out when you have no transport, but it's really worth you trying to hunt down a group.

For him, he needs to face up to his responsibilities and learn to cook, clean and drive from the sounds of it. But he really needs to understand that he has soooooo much to lose if he doesn't buck up his ideas.

[Malificence]

Having a hobby is nice, however a hobby that is all consuming and takes priority over family life is not nice, it's utterly selfish.

A few women would probably love this set up, the ones with a husband who spends all his time at the pub or gambling etc. would think you are lucky as at least it's cheap and he's not leaving the house BUT, this is just as damaging to your family because he is opting out of it due to his obsession.
My DH is an avid gamer too, he can disappear for hours to play COD etc. but only if we have no plans and there is nothing that needs doing in the house.
They get completely absorbed in it and time has no relevance to them, he can think it's been half an hour and it's been 3 hours since he's moved!
You sound like you're going in circles, your resentment is building and he just thinks you're nagging and trying to stop him from doing something he enjoys.
It's time for a compromise, a calm and rational discussion about him setting a time limit for his gaming , plus agreeing not to go on the PC when he is caring for his child and he needs to realise how dull and knackering looking after a baby is.

[AuntieMaggie]

My DP is a gamer too. It is hard.

But you need to talk about this before it gets too much and you lose your temper or something. You can't just not bring it up because you're worried about what he might say about your baby being your idea.

The point is he is neglecting you, your baby and his share of the housework.

You need to tell him how you feel calmly and come to some compromise, and do it now.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I will start by confessing a long-standing addiction to computer games myself - quite possibly to the one your H plays - so any advice I give here will be slightly biased and probably hypocritical to boot. Given the ultimatum between husband and game, I made the obvious choice and my PC and I are very happy together.

(There was a wee bit more to it than that, of course. It was my last refuge from the hideous reality of life with a loony and a job which, like you, I despised. If he'd had any sense he'd have left me with my 10-hour-a-day habit because I'd still be there, paying the bills and obligingly crying whenever he fancied a little ego boost. The main thing I learned is that hiding from reality is all very well, but things don't actually get better until you pull head out of arse screen and do something about it. I've put this in brackets because I sincerely doubt that your H's home life is all that crappy - he's just amusing himself because he can.)

Raiding is tremendous fun and does require quite a lot of commitment. I justify it on the grounds that it's harmless fantasy, enables you to meet your mates without leaving the house or them cramming into yours, and is cheaper and healthier than getting bladdered down the pub. But for goodness' sake, it is a GAME. It comes way down the list of priorities like earning a living and stopping the children from falling down the stairs; and even, I'd go so far as to say, talking to your wife. It is surely fair enough to ration playtime to fit in family commitments. Clearly he feels it's fine for him to have ten hours to himself because you had that ten hours to YOURself when he was out of the house, so of course you had nothing at all to do because babies are so easy to look after and houses don't get untidy unless you make them untidy, right? Oh wait...

[Anniegetyourgun]

Cross posted - yes, I'm sure the dead end job has a lot to do with it. Also if he's terribly clever, he probably thinks that childcare isn't hard because it isn't intellectually demanding. He ought to realise that that is probably the hardest thing about it, and precisely why a bit of conversation with a real adult in the evenings would be a treat.

And what everyone else said.

[OmNomNomPi]

I suppose I do enable his behaviour and no one can do anything about it but me. It has become much worse in the past few weeks though, so he wasn't always so all consumed by it.

I'm a gamer as well, and I actually play the same game, so I know how fun it is and how nice it is to escape just for a little while, but I also know that, regardless of what I'm doing in-game, my son comes first. (Can't play with DH though, because he is much better than I am)

Malificence has hit the nail on the head. I am resentful, and it is getting worse. Actually spelling out why I'm so upset has made everything a bit clearer. I think I'll make something good for dinner and have a discussion about it while I@m not so angry or upset.

Thank you all so much for your replies, they have all been helpful

[Kiwinyc]

I'd just pull the plug out.

[thederkinsdame]

Personally, I would see to my own and DS's needs, and sod the rest. Cook for yourself, let him sort himself out. Don't wash his clothes, and generally just make him see that if he doesn't help you, then you don't help him. Oh, and go on sex strike too. ;)

[sowhatis]

i would def damage pc (remove something!) so he cant play for a few weeks. if i was feeling v annoyed i would spill something on pc as he was playing to stop him.

[secretskillrelationships]

Rather than tackling this head on which clearly isn't working, I'd suggest getting out for a few hours leaving him with DS. Even if you have to make up an excuse (meeting at local GPs for new mums, be creative) and disappear to Costa with a good book. It will give you some space and may help him to realise how hard looking after a small baby can be. For best results, obviously choose a time when DS is at his most challenging.

I would suggest a whole weekend, with a list of DIY jobs to be completed, to give him a real taste of your life but your DS is very small.

Use the time to work out how you would like life to be. Then, when you are calmer, try to discuss how you both would like your lives to be e.g. state of house, time together etc. Once you have an agreed vision of how life could be, then you can work out what you are both going to do to achieve that.

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

Do you still love him?

Do you know he loves you?

What do you want?

Would you do what it took to fix your marriage and would he?

Do you want out?

[dignified]

Ive had a gamer, and like others said theres nothing wrong with a hoby but when it takes over your life its not on.
Final straw for me was when dd was screaming to be fed and he was so engrossed in the game he laid her across his lap and wedged the bottle under his elbow to feed her while franticly clutching the joypad or whatever it is.
I personally hate the idea of grown men arsing about on games all day and would never ever date a man who shows any interest in them ever again!

[TheArcaneMommy]

My dh is a gamer too, and so was i before children, i cut down an awful lot once we had children.

He is not too bad, but he was out of work for about 8 months last year after being made redundant, so he probably played more than normal.

For him it is another form of entertainment, no different than watching the tv.

Which to a certain extent i agree with, but when it becomes an obsession, then that is another thing entirely.

But, in saying that, he always did his fair share when it came to housework and the children etc. And he did not really play much in the day at all, or if he was, he was doing something where he could just get up and leave the computer.

We agreed he could "raid" 2 nights a week, and this would mean 2 nights from 7-11pm, he is no good for anything, he has his headphones on and cant really get up from the computer to do little things.

However, on the nights he does not raid, he more often than not, does the bedtime routine with ds, wash, brush teeth read story, he will cook and he will spend time with the children.

It is a good situation for us, it is only 2 nights a week where he is in that type of situation, and tbf, while he does play other nights in the week, it is after the children have gone to bed, and nothing he cant just get up from.

The thing is, as my husband says, once the game starts to become more important than real life, it is time to stop playing and find a new hobby!

He thinks nothing or telling his online friends he will not be raiding that night if i have had a bad day with the children and need a break or the children or myself are ill.

Sounds like an awful situation you are in. Is there anyway you could come to some kind of compromise, or do you think it has gone beyond that? I agree with pp, maybe go out for the evening, so he has to get off the computer and interact and do the evening routine.?

Im not sure id suggest making the computer unplayable by removing something, you would probably just have him spending as much time trying to fix the thing as he does playing on it!