I know I'm being unreasonable and have namechanged but need advice - please don't be too harsh on me!

[UnreasonableWife]

DH and I are having a few issues, but for the last few days things have been good (I know it's not much, but hey - baby steps!)
There are issues where we can both be unreasonable I know, but there is one particular issue that causes problems every time, and it's probably me being unreasonable. In fact the rational part of me knows it is.

Basically I have issues when he goes out late drinking. I don't mind him doing things without me, of course - I know it's healthy and we both need more of our own interests, but if it involves going out on the town I hate it. I sometimes end up agreeing that I will be fine with it and then when he rolls in at 2am being really pissed off. It's not fair, I know - I just really hate the thought of him drinking and being surrounded by girls in short skirts, I used to go out a lot and have seen how a lot of men behave when out! also when we were out together before he has done a couple of things that upset me, for example when we were engaged he was talking to and flirting with a girl he sort of knew for ages and not even mentioning me at all. This was a few years ago obviously but it doesn't help. I suppose now he's a dad I feel like he shouldn't want to go out like this. Do other things, fine, pool with mates etc, great - but out clubbing and drinking? I hate it!

Anyway he doesn't go out often (so I know I'm being unreasonable) but there's a stag do coming up and I'm worried he's going to be going away somewhere, which also I would find hard as we haven't had a holiday ourselves since DS was born (financial mainly). Anyway am I being completely U as I expect, and how do I deal with these emotions when they come up? As we are getting on so well at the moment I want to try and sort this out.

[SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh]

Sorry but YABU unless he has previous form for serious breaches of monogamy. Clubbing and drinking are fun and it is frankly unfair to insist that someone stops doing something normal and enjoyable forever now that they have become a parent. I still like a night out clubbing and drinking at least once a month.
You say yourself he doesn't go out very often so presumably he pulls his weight domestically and is a good, involved dad. What you need is a few nights out of your own and a few interests, then you will lose the obsession with trying to control your H's behaviour to an unreasonable extent.

[teaandcakeplease]

I think every woman with a small child can feel resentful at times hon. I used to sit in bed in the middle of the night feeling so resentful of my hubby sleeping through the crying, feeding and winding and not twitching or waking or offering to help whilst BF our son. Which was silly as a) the baby didn't take bottles and b) what could has have done anyway? Also he was working full time and I wasn't, so he needed his sleep.

Also does he ever say "tell you what my love, you go out tonight and have a glass of wine with a girlfriend and I'll look after the baby"? As if he never returns the favour that can also increase the resentment.

I used to always feel unhappy when my hubby was going away even overnight when I had a toddler and my small baby. I think it's just so reassuring to know that you've got back up if needed.

Also its natural to feel jealous if you saw your man flirting with a girl. Most women would!

Don't be too hard on yourself, it's so tough with a small baby and as the mother it can sometimes feel that the man can still have a lot more freedom than you, so you are going to have moments where you feel this way.

Not sure how to advise you to not feel this way though. I just try to take a deep breath and keep my mouth shut personally and by later in the day I usually have calmed down a bit.

[snowylass]

Try to think of it this way:

If your DH wishes to be unfaithful (and I am not suggesting this is the case, I am just suggesting you think from a slightly different angle) then you are totally powerless to stop him, regardless of whether you terminate his nights out. You cannot monitor him 24 hours a day - it is impossible and you therefore have to trust him to make his own decisions. Furthermore, if women choose to behave flirtatiously, that is their lookout - it is your DH's responsibility again to make his own decisions.

Given that you cannot monitor him 24 hours a day, it is not (IMO) very productive to keep on at him about going out etc - it will achieve nothing and probably make things worse between you.

In general, the life of a woman changes more than the life of a man when a baby is born. During the day when a man is at work, his life returns to normality. If you are at home with a baby, yours doesn't return to normality as quickly as his. It is therefore understandable that he still wants to go out - his life has changed less.

However, I would say that if he is having evenings out, try and get some time for yourself to do whatever you like doing. Not on a sort of 1:1 inflexible tit for tat system, but just try and do something for yourself.

[UnreasonableWife]

I always feel guilty for arranging things for me to do, if I go anywhere it is just shopping for a couple of hours. I've been invited on a hen night in april but have turned it down as I don't think I could leave ds for that long, and I think dh would be tearing his hair out. Also we can't afford it imo.
I get what you mean about if he's going to be unfaithful, he will - but I don't think it's jsut that. I don't know what it is really.
Also what do you think about him going away on a stag do when we can't afford our own holiday? It hasn't happened yet! But I can see it coming and want to be prepared so as not to overreact.

Thanks for the replies.

[teaandcakeplease]

If he is prepared to do the overtime or something (so there's no worry about money) so he can afford the stag do, I say let him go, as it'll really benefit him to go away and have a good time. You could always have a friend or your mum to stay to help whilst they're away?

I think it's hard as the mummy to leave your baby with the dh but I think he needs to get used to doing it and it will be good for you to get out a bit more. Start off with only leaving him for a short while with the baby and then over the next weeks and months leave him for longer with them. This way the baby gets used to you not always being around and the hubby gets used to looking after them on their own. And it may be easier on you as well increasing the time gradually that they're left alone.

My husband calls me a control freak as I have been very very guilty of thinking like you, particularly about leaving him with the baby as he does indeed sometimes get a bit stressed looking after them. But it's good for them to have daddy and baby time and good for you. If you don't have much money, just going to have an evening at a friends watching a film maybe good for you.

May help you feel a bit better and less fed up when he does want to go out.

Anyway that's my opinion for what it's worth

[OrmIrian]

Weeellll...... YABU. But said in a gentle and supportive tone

You must get some time out for yourself though. That is vital.

[UnreasonableWife]

Thank you. I will try and get some time out for myself. I don't know why this particular issue causes so many problems when I am really not controlling over anything else that he wants to do with his time.

I think I have some kind of deep rooted fear that the drink will cause him to do and say stuff that I would hate and that he wouldn't do when sober, also that I am just really worried that he will turn into the kind of dad that just really doesn't put his family first. I have no reason to think this though (I have seen drink affect him badly but I suppose most people have had this before).

I also know some other dads who go out regularly and cheat on their wives, we play a sport and they are all men who play this sport, and go away for it - and every time they schedule in a night out and go looking for women, when they are with their familes you wouldn't think this is happening at all. I have no reason to believe my DH is like this at all, but I think I'm so scared of it.... thank you for listening anyway and not shouting at me too much

[alarkaspree]

It's unreasonable for him to go away on a stag weekend if you can't afford a family holiday. But, as you say, it hasn't happened yet. Just deal with it calmly if it comes up, and focus on the cost rather than your fears of lapdancing clubs.