Insecurity and trust or am i too precious!!!

[babybuttercup]

Hi,

I'm not necessarily looking for any answers on here, i guess i just need to vent but any advise or criticism would be appreciated!!

I've been seeing my partner for 3 months but we work together so i have known him for 3 years.
It's safe to say he is an amazing guy who i adore and have fallen for hook line and sinker. He is everything i could wish for and more. The only problem is trust. Now i know that however confident and laid back people perceive me to be, i am very insecure and can't believe my luck that this man is now in my life. Which is why i'm convinced that however much i think he does care about me, he doesn't necessarily feel the same way i do.

It doesn't help that he is still living with his ex-partner - who is very much just an ex but they are still friends who are living together for financial reasons and will be selling the house from March.

He has been very open about his life and how this whole situation and other issues are making this a very painful time for him but that he is so pleased that i am in his life.
We spend a lot of time together and he is very good to me but i just can't get this niggling feeling out of my head.

Today we have spoken a few times on the phone and at about 7ish he was visiting a relative and said he would call me again in an hour..... that was nearly 4 hours ago!
Now his timing is bad, he will say he will meet me at one time and has been up to 2 hours late before because he has lost track of time or something has stood in the way of him leaving on time!

Am i being precious or does anyone understand how upsetting this is?
I see it as broken promises??

Do i need to just chill out?

Thanks

B

[babybuttercup]

Just reading that back makes me realise i am being unreasonable for being upset/annoyed.... but it still doesnt stop me feeling that way!!

[EcoMouse]

He's been up to two hours late before?! Does he make a habit of being late and does he communicate with you when he is running late?

Have you spent much time at his house, out of interest?

[babybuttercup]

Hi Eco,

Yes he does make a habit of generally being late, not usually 2 hours late though!

He is my boss at work and his relationship with his ex was well known and widely spoken about when they split, so i know 100% that they have split up and they are both currently dealing with finances and the house.

The only time i spend at his house is when his ex goes away.

He has met most of my family who adore him but i have met none of his, just his parents when we were just friends and as far as i am aware they still don't know about us.

This should automatically start ringing alarm bells shouldn't it??

[JockTamsonsBairns]

A lack of trust and insecurity will erode the happiness of any relationship sooner or later - you know this already though.

The fact that he still lives with his ex is feasible, I had to do it for a while for purely financial reasons. It was awful, but I survived. Your OP suggests you trust his living arrangements anyway.

Being 2 hours late to meet you, however, is really bad manners in my book and would really piss me off - unless of course something completely unavoidable had cropped up. At the very least, he should have tried to contact you, perhaps even by text. Losing track of time? Not bloody good enough IMHO.

[EcoMouse]

It would for me, how does it feel to you when you read it back?

The regularly being late thing denotes at least lack of respect too, I think.

[babybuttercup]

Thank You for your post Jock - i know everything you have said is true.

I guess however sad it sounds i dont want to add any extra pressure to him and want him to see me and be relaxed instead of me interrogating him about his lateness!!

And in all honesty im scared to push him away and lose him!

[babybuttercup]

He is such a nice guy that im hoping that the reason his ex and his family dont know about us is because he doesn't want anyone to think that we were seeing each other when they were together - because we weren't but it was very soon after.

I'm upset because i told him he needed time on his own and that i wouldn't be a re-bound, but he convinced me that i wasn't, now i feel like its convenient for him because we are such good friends and he is not on his own.

Ohhh im really confused now!!

[EcoMouse]

You should not be made to feel to be a mere object of convenience!

It has been three months since you started seeing each other, so longer than that since they split. I would say this is a respectful period to have waited. See how he reacts about 'going public' at this stage?

Are there children involved?

[babybuttercup]

No there are no children involved and no partners so this should be such a simple and fun relationship!

He split from his ex 2 months before we started dating.
We both agreed to keep it quiet at work but i don't want our life to be a complete secret away from work!!

I will have to raise the subject again with him tomorrow and tell him how i feel - i cant keep quiet in fear of losing him.

[JockTamsonsBairns]

You don't sound "sad", it's perfectly understandable that in the throes of a new relationship with a man you clearly adore, you don't want to throw any negativity into the mix.

However, I'd tread very carefully with this adulation you feel for him. You sound as if you are so grateful to have him, that you will tolerate him treating you shabbily, and I think that's a mistake. You need to demonstrate what your boundaries are from the outset, and it's not unreasonable to expect someone to turn up on time for a date. Two hours late, having lost track of time, is really disrespectful. It's really ok to tell him that.

[babybuttercup]

Jock,

Don't get me wrong he is not always late and when he is it's usually 15-30 mins but that one occasion when he was 2 hours late did annoy me and i did tell him in a "jokey" way - not the best way i guess!!

Just before Christmas we did have a long conversation about how i felt that he had so many other things going on in his life that i didn't think we should carry on with our relationship as he needed time and space on his own. I was clearly upset and he felt guilty and couldn't apologise enough for not giving me 100% but did say that he just couldn't at that time and hoped that i could understand and bare with him for a few months until everything was sorted with the house and ex etc.

So in fairness he has acknowledged his lack of commitment....

I adore this man and will wait as long as i have to if only i was convinced it was what he wanted.

[EcoMouse]

The more you've posted, the more uncomfortable I have felt.

If things are genuinely over with his ex, why is he unable to commit to you fully, now, five months since their split?

Why is his relationship with you still secret?

I smell a rat. A big, hairy, half-decaying stinky one.

At worst, they are still together, at best, he is merely keeping you on the back burner for reasons known only to himself.

[babybuttercup]

Eco i hope you are wrong i really do, i guess only time will tell or a rather frank discussion tomorrow which im really not looking forward to

[EcoMouse]

I hope so too! Don't leave it for time to tell you the answer though...

Good luck with your discussion, don't be railroaded into acceptance of anything or any explanation/plan, if it doesn't feel right.

Head over heart

For as bowled over with him as you are, there may be another poor woman on the other side of all of this.

[JockTamsonsBairns]

I think Eco may have a point, although I still maintain it may be feasible. How well do you know his ex? Have you even met her? I'm just thinking - does she view the relationship as being 'over'?

I fully accept I'm relating this to my own experience, but when I had a similar living arrangement with an ex - I was absolutely adamant that the relationship was completely dead in the water. He, on the other hand, had hopes that there was still a chance. He just didn't see it as being as 'over' as I did. I needed to be completely moved out and away from him before making public any new relationship. I think this may be key to your new DP's behaviour re meeting family etc.

[babybuttercup]

Thanks ECO - its funny you saying head over heart.
He once told me to follow my heart and not my head! That was when we first started dating and i told him it was too soon for him

Appreciate all your comments ECO and JOCK.

[babybuttercup]

Jock - i have only ever met his ex very briefly and she was a nice girl - in my opinion stunning and i dont feel like im even in the same league as her (My own issues i guess!)

Their relationship has been over for about 18 months but neither of them admitted to each other and from what i'm told they were both waiting for the other to end the relationship.
He has openly told me that he cares about her and they are still friends but he doesnt love her anymore and the relationship had been dead for a long time.

I know it must be difficult for him but i need ask him tommorow how he see's our relationship and when he thinks our relationship will be simpler.