Has anyone read the surrerndered wife?

[Zooropa]

I know the title of the book is shocking, but I really needed to do something to stop stupid, blown up arguments from ruining our marriage.. so I read this book. Some of it makes sense to me and I think I should try some of the suggestions. Does anyone have any experience of it?

And for anyone who has..

In some ways, I don't think I am like the women this book is aimed at, for example I don't tell DH what to wear or anything! Also the criticisms - I feel he is a bit critical of me for smaller things rather than the other way around.. BUT, I am definitely quite controlling of the way we bring up ds.. I tell him when I think he's doing something wrong, and also in other ways eg some of the things he wants to do or when he doesn't want the same as me!

I find it hard though when he does something that upsets me to act through it, as often I think I overreact and it's only through perspective after several days that I can make a fairer judgement over whether I am BU. But I find it hard to pretend there's nothing wrong if there is, and he will say "what's wrong, I know there's something" and then we will argue from there.

does this make sense? Has anyone tried to do something similar to this?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Haven't read it, no. I don't think anyone should "surrender" to anyone else, to be honest (and my apologies to the author if that isn't literally what she meant). What I do think is that two adults are bound to have differing viewpoints at least some of the time, but what they need to learn is some way of discussing it reasonably without it turning into a row. Some people find couple counselling a great help in this context. It can help to have a third party refereeing, as it were; calling time out, taking the heat out of the subject. That way you learn to make rules for discussion that you can take home and practice.

Getting on with people is a life skill. Some people have it naturally but most of us need to work on it. If one or both of you come from an argumentative family, one where no-one could back down, everyone had to get the last word and so on, you won't have been brought up with the skills. There's nothing shaming about going on a course to brush up on something you didn't learn as a child but would quite like to take up later. Car maintenance, flower arranging, or in this case, how to conduct a discussion without it turning into an argument!

[Zooropa]

Thank you for the reply - it's not as bad as it sounds, honestly! But I think it's aimed at very controllong women.. and in some ways I am absolutely not like this, but in other ways I think I can be.

He is really not up for going to counselling or anything, I've suggested it,and I've emailed relate myself, but he really doesn't like the idea and says we should be able to sort out our own problems. He would go if I insisted but I know his attitude wouldn't be in the right place then.

[Anniegetyourgun]

And then you'd feel you were being pushy again, I guess!

There must be other books on the subject, he might be happy to read with you... don't know any, sorry. Help, somebody?

[NicknameTaken]

Two books I've heard recommended:

The 7 Secrets of a Successful Marriage
and
Getting the Love You Want.

(Didn't work for me as then-DH didn't actually want an equal partner, but with the right person I think these could be good).

[ItsGraceAgain]

"The Surrendered Wife" actually does say the wife should surrender to hubby in every way. It's bow-in-the-hair kitchen-slave stuff

It was written for American women whose personalities were highly egocentric & confrontational. Enough of them were happy enough to keep a husband, they didn't mind sacrificing their independence for it

The biggest danger of surrender is that it can only work if the man is really nice & well-adjusted. The author does include a few warnings about unreasonable behaviours a wife should not put up with, but that part isn't exactly highlighted. "American Wife Swap" always includes a few SW couples: I'm damn sure I wouldn't be surrendering to their husbands!

If you're always at loggerheads, it's a very good idea to examine how you communicate, and whether you have overbearing tendencies. Zooropa, it's healthy that you've noticed where you're unreasonable with him - and you can probably learn a few simple techniques to diffuse his nit-picking with you.

The problems mainly arise where your egos are in direct conflict. In that respect, the concept of surrender can be useful. Personally, though, I think it's far better to learn a bit more self-awareness, and some different ways of handling challenges.

[OrdinarySAHM]

I've read it and don't agree with totally surrendering or suppressing your feelings but I can see some points the book is making:

Many of us moan that our DH's don't help us enough but when they try to, we criticise the way they are doing it and make them feel that what they have done isn't good enough. This doesn't make them feel motivated to help us again. If we just let them make their mistakes without commenting they will have a chance to learn in their own time how to do the task well. They will motivate themselves to get better at it if you don't nag.

By nagging and telling our DH's all the details of how things should be done we teach them to rely on us to get those things done and then we still feel responsible and will never get a break. If we totally hand over the responsibility for some things and don't interfere, he will learn how to do it efficiently on his own and we will get a proper break without feeling we must still keep an eye on that task even if we aren't doing it.

When we want something from our DH's the book advises to just say "I want x" and not give an explanation or argument as to why. If we start explaining it will make him think about whether our reasons are sound in his eyes and he will come up with counter arguments. If you don't explain then it might not occur to him to think up reasons why you shouldn't have it.

By criticising him all the time and telling him how useless he is at things and inferring that we will have to resentfully do it all because he isn't capable, the book says you could make him feel less of a man. Then when he starts behaving more submissively, many women stop respecting him and finding him sexually attractive.

The message I took from the book was, this is a book about making your DH think you have surrendered to him but really you are using techniques which manipulate him into doing what you want .