Ok, So What Now?! Upset...

[midori1999]

I posted in AIBU last night, this is the thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/890316-To-Think-My-Dh-Should-Not-Have-Thrown-DS-39

I hadn't heard from DH, so as I was dishin up dinner decided to ring and offer him some, as it is freezing outside and I suspected he was in his office, which isn't the warmest of places and there certainly isn't anywhere to get a hot meal. However, he started ranting at me again and refused to accept he has done anything at all wrong. He sai dhe had tried to ring me last night, btu I wasn't interested in talking to him. He's right, I wasn't, as he had the same 'not in the wrong' attitude then.

Clearly, this marriage cannot carry on. Will take a while to sink in, but that's horses for courses, I suppose. I can stay in this (army) house for thre months from the time he makes it official with the army. I am currently in Northern Ireland and although I don't want to move the DC's schools, I don't really think I can stay here as I have no family here.

I have no clue about the practicalities. I currently recieve carers allowance and DLA at the highest care rate for DS3, and am in the process of appealing about the mobility component. I also get some maintenance from the DC's Dad each month. Other than this, I have no money of my own and am 8 weeks pregnant.

Will I be entitled to tax credits of anything liek that base don my carers allowance? Do they count that as work? I do breed snakes as a hobby, which could be a viable business, but in the first year or two I would need extra help with tax credits or something. If I set it up as a business, would Tax Credits class that as a job? Realistically it will be another six months before I have any money coming in from that.

Any help or advice, practical or otherwise would be really appreciated. I am feeling like total shit now.

[PurpleEglu]

Oh Midori, so sorry. I have no advice myself I'm afraid but I hope someone will be aloong soon who can help.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

midori

I was wondering if SSAFA will be able to assist you here in some way with the practicalities. They may well be worth contacting.

[Malificence]

Get yourself over onto the moneysaving expert forums, there is a benefits board and a relationships board, plus a military life board.

Can you get any help from the Families officer or SSAFA over there?

You'll feel much stronger and more positive when armed with some information about your entitlements.

AFAIK, being self employed could help with benefits.

[BitOfFun]

Tax credits kick in at 16hours a week work. You keep the carer's allowance if it's at minimum wage (£94 per week). I doubt self-employment counts though, but do check. With being pregnant there may be better ways- maternity allowance, or Income Support.

There is always a way though- you just need the right advice.

Good luck.

[Mamazon]

you will receive child tax credits plus an enhanced rate due to your dc's higher rate Dla.
your carers allowance wont be changed at all although you will receive Income support that will be reduced due toi the carers allowance although you will still get i think about £35 per week.

[GypsyMoth]

ssafa helped me tremendously,try them. they are good

[MadameDefarge]

I set up my company, and employed by it on minimum wage for 32 hour week, and get about £650 per month in WFTC, if that helps. Also get child tax credit and would be eligible for Childcare element, and LHA

[lou031205]

midori, I think 1 row about differing approaches to a child's actions is a very small thing to throw a marriage away for. Neither of you have calmed down & you need to cool down before you can discuss the future sensibly.

[midori1999]

Lou, did you read the rest of the thread? It is a lot more than just one row over parenting.

Thanks all> I don't really want to approach the welfare officer. DH is high ranking and I know they will deal with it badly and he will be 'favoured'. I don't think they can offer any practical advice really, other than that I will have three months to stay in the house. Not really sure I want to go down the SSAFA route either, tbh.

What would a civvy do in these circumstances? Is there some sort of advice line where they tell you what would be best in your situation? Or is it a case of citizens advice or something?

Dh rang me back and was an even bigger twat tbh. He did say he realised he needed to apologise, but still thought I was exaggerating, and wrong to mention the violence previously, he also said that he thought I was a control freak and wanted him to be my 'bitch' and do everything I asked him. !!!!

[GypsyMoth]

well do you have the means to start again?
housing? what about that,where would you go?

[midori1999]

Not really, but i could save enough fro a deposit to privately rent in a few months I suspect. Might be a bit hard due to the animals, but not impossible.

I know the army would pay for removals back to the mainland in these circumstances. Nto entirely sure where I;d go. DC's dad is at the opposite end of the country to my Mum and sister, although we are still good friends. If I moved near my Mum and sister then although I'd see them I wouldn't have any help as DS has her own children and my Mum isn't the sort to help out.

Need to have a good think about where I want to go and what's best for the DC.

[thesteelfairy]

midori, don't be too hasty to write off SSAFA, they will help you be rehoused, you may have to go to a communal centre for a couple of months but they will then help you find a home. If I were you it would be my first call tbh.

[midori1999]

The problem is, I have a lot of animals and am not prepared to give them up under any circumstances, so I need to really sort out my own accomodation I think.

It's fine, I have priovtaely rente dbefore, and after all, all those cic=vvies who are in thsi situation have to aort things out for themselves, I am a big girl, after all.

Thanks though.

[Batteryhuman]

Try Citizens Advice for advice on benefits etc

[GypsyMoth]

How many animals?

When I left my army husband I got alot. From his regiment, British legion and ssafa. They would prob provide a deposit as they did my friend, as well as removals and new uniforms, household items. British legion womens section do alot too. We were even given a holiday....... Got an oven and fridge from them, they then select families for a holiday. They can help with almost anything, they really do go out of there way.

[midori1999]

I would be able to keep all our furntiture and appliances, car etc, so that's not a porblem.

Animals are 3 dogs, 2 cats, around 45 snakes and 150 rodents. Rodents can be in a shed, but it's not an option to get rid of any.

[lou031205]

midori, I am sorry. I was not meaning to be insensitive. I obviously didn't pick up on how far things had got for you. The way I read the threads was that you wanted your DH to apologise, he didn't, so marriage over. I felt that a marriage is often made up of lots of differences of opinion, and things don't always resolve instantly. But I can see that you have made up your mind, so I hope things work out well for you

WRT the animals, are there any organisations that would foster them while you found suitable accommodation, and in the mean time you could move somewhere to settle the children?