How do you break up with someone when you don't want to?

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

I need to break up with my DP. We've been together for nearly 2 years, and we don't have any problems with each other but practically it's not going to work.

In September, I'm moving jobs which means moving to another part of the country. He can't move with me because his DCs live near where we are now with their mum. There is a big age gap between us which bothers him more than me. He doesn't want any more children but thinks I will want them in the future (I can't see this, but know I could be wrong). Although I am very very fond of him, he has a couple of character flaws which would mean that a forever-type relationship would be difficult - we are just incompatible in that sense really. His children will always be his priority over me, so he will never leave where they are, which I understand. But this job offer is a once-only thing (academic post in a great institution). Our relationship started very spur-of-the-moment and we didn't expect it to last, but it did. Although it has been a 'proper' relationship, because of the big age gap we have never worked on the assumption that it was forever. I'm mid-20s, so I didn't feel that I had to be with someone now who I was going to be with forever.

So I know logically it has to end, but doing it is just really really hard. He knows about the job, so he knows that sometime between now and September it's going to be over. He says I'll find someone else, but I can't imagine it (even though I know I probably will). I have a crap relationship with my parents so he has sort of been a father figure as well. It's just really sad. I hate that thought of seeing him for the last time, after we've had such a good time together.

How do I do it so it will be as painless as possible?

[fortyplus]

You don't break up now. You take the job, you promise to stay in touch... then you drift apart.

You will both want that within a short time.

With luck you will stay friends and he will still be your father figure.

[MorrisZapp]

Exactly. Don't 'break up', just move away and see what happens.

[DrunkenDaisy]

Actually i think it's better and less painful to just break up. Otherwise, you'll move away to new and interesting stuff/men and you'll drift off and he'll be left Mr ancient fuddy-duddy. At least make it a joint decision and leave the guy with some dignity.

[purplepeony]

I think you are being selfish, TBH. If you can see his character flaws so clearly now, then why stay together another day?

You have decided that for you, there is no future in this- even if you had not got the job- and you did go looking for that knowing it meant relocation I assume rather than it landing in your lap?

Let him go so he can find someone who wants him. You don't, except as a friend/father figure.

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

I do want him, but I know it can't happen. Yes, the relationship would have had to end some time I suppose, he knew that as much as I did. It's just the actual ending it is really difficult

[lighthouse]

Best to crack on with your life and let him get on with his. Sounds like neither of you are not all that fussed with eachother or you might have tried to find a way around it. Plenty more fish in the sea.

[purplepeony]

I don't see why it has to end unless that is what you both want. If you want to be together then you can do this:

don't accept the job.
decide not to have children- ever.
accept his bad points.

You can't have it always- you either want him and his flaws and the limitations of the relationship, as it appears re. any kids etc., or you don't.

If he wants to be with you, then he has to either move and see his kids at weekends only, and,depending on other stuff, possibly reconsider if he wants another family.

If neither of you can budge an inch on any of these, then it's curtains- and hard as it is, you will have to bite the bullet. Yes, you will miss him,but you are very young, and yes, you will meet other people.

[purplepeony]

sorry , all ways!

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

I know. It's just difficult to have to give up such a source of support at the exact same time as having to move, starting a job where the undergraduates will probably be cleverer than me and moving away from other friends. Tbh I can't see myself actually having the break up conversation before I have to, but the other option is slow torture of September getting closer and closer, and both of us knowing that we're not going to last far beyond that.

[fortyplus]

He's not daft - he is making a conscious choice just as much as you are. If he really wanted to stay together he would move with you or suggest a compromise. You both have a period of adjustment to go through - knowing that things will be changing in September.

[ZZZenAgain]

Is this job you're taking up a permanent one?

[thesteelfairy]

I wouldn't end it. Just see how it goes. Don't overthink it. It will come to a natural end if it is destined to.

[BrahmsThirdRacket]

Yes it's a conscious choice for both of us, I know. Because of the age gap etc. there are quite a lot of issues with it working out long term. I don't think I've ever been 'in love', but I do care about him a lot. I think he's the same tbh. He thinks I deserve someone who is closer to my age, will give me children , and neither of us have really thought of it as a 'forever' thing but it's still hard... I guess things will just tail off, hopefully it won't be too traumatic.