marriage over? heeelp!!

[Hoorayhenrietta]

Sorry, am new to all of this...but need some reassurance that I am not a crazy bitch (pls!!!). Well, where to start... married 15 years, have 3 children(toddlers)and a newborn.

My DH and I just cannot seem to get along...we have a few days of niceness and then the effort seems all too much and its gloves off nasty vindictiveness. I admit I can be a grumpy old so and so at times (maybe the lack of sleep, although No 3 is a bit of an angel really, thank goodness)!...

We've had weeks of aggression from DH...with him out/away on biz at least twice a week, and saying things like 'you must have PND', 'you're mad', 'you have your job (i.e. looking after kids and running house) and I have mine'...and when being really nasty I get called 'fat and ugly'...

He is also quite anti-family (mine anyway...and cannot stand my Mother _ he calls her fat and ugly too!So much so that he will not do anything family oriented...

I do run the house and look after the kids with no extra help apart from my Mother ironing which is a Godsend... but I feel downtrodden, exasperated and emotionally bullied. I gave up quite a well paid career to have my children (slightly later in life shall we say), and No 3 was a happy accident. It isn't easy raising children but I do on the whole find it rewarding, although DH said it was easy and I shouldn't moan about it when he looked after them for half a day.

I have had weeks of feeling quite down as a result of this issue. The upshot of all of this was a row concerning my Mothers birthday whereby he refused point blank to pop by with me and the children (for one hour) to give her a card and pressie...this is the woman who irons his shirts remember!

A huge row ensued because he got nastier and nastier about her and as things do it got out of hand! Anyway, we are now in seprarate rooms, he has told me he doesn't love me and our marriage is over....I'm pooped, all out of crying and cursing and wondered if anyone had any thoughts on this sorry state of affairs....

[Hoorayhenrietta]

hello?

[desolate]

I feel for you, I really do.

Someone who is good with advice on relationships will be along shortly.

[Hoorayhenrietta]

Thanks...I suppose I just want to have ideas on what can be done - and why he may be doing this...

[figrollinthehay]

I think ... (hard hat on)that with two toddlers and a new born, this is fairly typical and almost (in our house anyway) expected. I wouldn't give up on a relationship at that stage, because I think it is such a tough tough time - lovely to have tiny children but so tiring and with so many hormones flying around.

[Hoorayhenrietta]

anothermum - I really think i could be staying for the sake of the children but this seems ridiculous even to me.

Yes he is stressed at work and I did wonder about an affair becuase he is ruthless when he is being nasty, and seems to delight in hurting me...incidentally I really am not fat- well not what is considered normal...

I just am at a loss as to what to do and feel so hurt, that we have three gorgeous children together.

I have to say that at Christmas he went over the top with presents and beautiful cards from each of the children but in the next breath he is abusive verbally and heartless.

[Hoorayhenrietta]

do you think so fig? Stroll on then...its just so wearing and damaging I feel.. Does you DH behave just so? What do you do?
I can honestly say that I have never ever 'aired my dirty linen in public'...but these bouts have made it necessary for me to talk to a couple of friends about this and they have advised 'shock tactics' (i'e leaving)

[Plumm]

What do you want from him? Do the nice times make it bearable or do you feel it's time to move on?

How do you feel about bringing up your DC's alone, returning to work, etc?

[AllThreeWays]

It all sounds a bit normal, in the "we are having problems" sort of way. Arguements, mean things said, refusal to do family stuff, lack of understanding for how hard it is to be a SAHM.

I guess the question is, can you BOTH see a point to continuing the relationship, does he want to fix it as well as you. Feelings and anger are different from that commitment to the ideal of marriage and family. If you still both believe in marriage, then do everything you can to fix it.
Aim that all conversations are trying to work things out, compromise and be conciliatory. Attacking will just put you both on the defensive, rather than helping repair anything. Counseling could help heaps if you can't have these conversations together without them degenerating.

[Hoorayhenrietta]

Well Plumm, its extremes again - the nice times are lovely, but I cannot get the nastiness out of my head...and I find them very hard and upsetting. I cannot seem to get things out of my head, so when he does say something nice, I feel it isn't genuine.
I don't want to be a single Mum, i feel they need us both and he is a good Dad, when he's here. I could return to work but they are all so young, and I honestly don't want to put them in childcare...I don't see that as part of our plan.

Allthreeways, I don't really know if he really wants to continue it...he certainly has said he doesn't love me and that its over because I'm a nag !

Discussions seem to degenerate into bickering, then into heated discussins and fallout.

I do feel he is unreasonable...and I am certainly not fault free (okay I can nag!), but I'm not all bad....am I?

[poshsinglemum]

I don't think it is normal to call your dw fat and ugly when she is dealing with three small children inC a baby tbh. If it is, I despair on men.

Ok- it's stressful but that's no excuse for him being a twat.

[figrollinthehay]

OK, I read that a bit quickly (and after two very quick glasses of wine . What I was trying to say was ... I don't think what he is saying is acceptable at all, but I do find the initial year or so after a new baby is quite stressful and neither partner at their sparkling best, so would never personally make a decision to separate at that time.

[gremlindolphin]

Hi HH, I have another similar thread going on here and just wanted to say hi and hugs.

When my dh is being particularly nasty he is being very nice at the moment which does my head in!) one of the easiest things to upset me is to start critising my upbringing and insulting my mum which I hate. She's fab and my childhood was great which makes it even more annoying.

All I would say is that my eldest dc is 8 now, this all started shortly after she was born and I put it down to it being a stressful time but when I look back I don't think it was stressful enough to warrant his behavior and I should have seen the warning signs. The benefits of hindsight.....

[Hoorayhenrietta]

Thanks Bexxa Fig and Gremlin- I feel like this too...I wasn't brought up with this type of demeaning behaviour and so feel its a disgrace...and I think if we didn't have children I would have walked. I've gone from feeling sod him to being incredibly upset and it has a real impact on my life. I am seriously considering walking...but the real thing is I suppose that he is the type to 'cut off his nose to spite his face'... and so I don't really feel I have any bargaining power...and I know that would be the end...it wouldn't be a short sharp shock.
He admitted that the rude comments are unacceptable but said that I provoke him (which I don't really think, honestly, is justifiable, and I have taken a long hard look at myself)...Yes the demands are tough enough without this insidious behaviour.

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

I would be packing my bags and going tbh. Or making him go but I doubt he will.

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

Sorry but bollocks to this being normal when you have young kids.

We had 2 at 4 and under and never once did my husband speak to me like this and we were really going through a huge amount of stress.

[Hoorayhenrietta]

Yes...i agree...i cannot see how this would ever be justifiable...
Thanks Fab

[FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010]

Sorry, we had 3 of 4 and under.

[WhatNoLunchBreak]

I don't think his name-calling is in any way justifiable, no matter how many people in relationships experience it. When it becomes normalised, then there is something to worry about.

I think anyone whose DP/DH talks to them like this - or, for that matter, who talks to their DP/DH like this - would do well to take a closer look at just exactly what's going on, no matter how small the issue. It is the thin end of the wedge.

There might be a reason for a lack of respect. But there is never an excuse for it. Never. End of.

[DrunkenDaisy]

No way is it normal to be called fat and ugly. That is totally inexcusable. You need to tell him calmly that if he EVER speaks to you like that again you're leaving, and he'd better be prepared to see you with a man who treats you like a goddess.

If any man spoke to me like that i'd cut his dick off.

[ItsGraceAgain]

Hooray, I think the first thing you need to do is boost your self up. Not easy when you're constantly running after 3 DCs, admittedly, but shut 'em in the bedroom when your head shrieks! I'm thinking that, really, you need YOUR feelings to be in a place where jibes such as 'fat' and 'ugly' just make you fall around laughing.

I don't know why he's being this nasty to you - sounds like learned behaviour to me (what's his family like?) - but the point is, this type of behaviour brings its "reward" when your insults hit home. Since his jibes successfully hurt you, your opinion of yourself must be that low at some level. Understandable enough in the circs, but not desirable at any stage.

Can you think of ways to make yourself believe you truly are a beautiful, happy & well-rounded individual?

[ItsGraceAgain]

One fact that might be escaping you right now: He married you - presumably not because he finds you fat, ugly, mad or horrible!

You can tell him this is out of order, you know. Practise saying - smoothly - things like "I love you to bits, DH, but I don't accept this rudeness from you. Can you try saying that again calmly please?" tbh, this kind of thing is much easier when you have a sense of humour about it. Which leads us back to boosting your own self-worth.

[Hoorayhenrietta]

Hi Grace - yep you are right...I do need to boost myself up...and I do think this is learned behaviour. His Father is even my H will admit a nasty piece of work who is insulting to his wife/daughter (my SIL). For instance my FIL calls his 15 year old Grandson a 'fat little Get'.....My H thinks he is appalling and we don't see much of his parents as they luckily live far away, but maddeningly my H seems to be reflecting these traits. His Mother although more agreeable, is very stiff upper lip and just goes silent around her Dick of a Husband.
The funny thing is when he is being nice he comes over all 'you are gorgeous and I still fancy you...'