I don't know what's wrong with me :(

[whyohwhysigh]

Me and DP will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary soon. However, I have a problem. Everytime he goes out, I get very panicky. I get very anxious, I shake really badly, and I burst into tears. This happens everytime.

A little background on me is that both my exs cheated on me, abused me, and made me feel terrible. I think this is a reaction that automatically comes up when he goes out as there is a fear deep inside me that he will go out and flirt with girls and cheat on me. I DO NOT believe he would ever do that. I trust him. However, like I said, I think it's just that instinct, that reaction I'm kind of use to getting because of my exs.

And I know it's so unfair to DP. Because he's entitled to go out and enjoy time with his friends, but I ruin it because I'm freaking out at home. He doesn't know I do, I try and hide it. Sometimes when he texts me when he's out, he can sense something is up but I don't want to be a bitch and ruin his night.

But he's out at the moment, I keep crying, my hands are shaking so bad, I feel sick, and I don't want to feel like this!! I don't know if it's jealousy, or because of my past, or what.

Can anyone help?

[GroundHoHoHogs]

Oh sweetie, I'm not sure I'll be able to come out with anything clever, but I wanted you to know that someone was reading this and feeling for you.

All of this, given your experience so far, seems perfectly reasonable tbh, but just as it is learned, it can be un-learned... it just takes time. I don't think it's jealousy, it's just cos of what you have been through in the past.

You seem to recognise that it IS irrational, that your DP WON'T cheat on you, is there anyway you can talk to yourself, out loud if you have to. Keep telling yourself that it will be OK, and eventually you will believe it. Give yourself some home made CBT therapy...

Tell yourself of all the times he has been out, and that nothing has ever happened.

It takes time for abuse to leave your system, it took years for my sister to recover from DV, even with the softest, loveliest bf she had...

Take each day as it comes and talk yourself into thinking more positively, and accuratately.

[whyohwhysigh]

Thanks Groundhogs. When I get upset, I do tend to have an arguement with myself out loud (going to sound crazy now lol). I make myself say out loud what I'm feeling and why I think that is. Then I tell myself that I'm being stupid and things are okay.

Like I said DP knows I sometimes seem a bit different when he's out, but I haven't really talked about it, though he does know my past. I just find it really hard. Like he just called me, and he was in the pub with his mate and his dad, but I started to panic when on the phone so had to hang up. And I feel absolutely terrible for being that way because I want him to have a good time. It's his birthday on Friday, and he is going out Saturday night so I'm worried that I'll be going crazy again and certainly don't want to be making it a big fuss on that night!!

[GroundHoHoHogs]

OH have had arguements with others for ages... and not one of the people I've been arguing with has ever been there.... I find it does help to express yourself, say what you think, then challenge it.

I've recently had a bout of Agoraphobia... panicking when outside the house... it was very disturbing, but i recognised it was not real, that it had no foundation. It was soo scary, cos I knew it felt like a slippery slope I was determined not to go down.

When I found myself with that rising fear building up, I tried to stop myself, to talk some sense into myself... i also took St Johns Wort regularly, and Rescue Remedy when I got a bit more hyper... Your's is a bit more deep seated, so may take longer to combat, but it can be beaten, you just have to be determined and committed to want to relax and trust another person. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen if you keep at it.

Can you try any diversion tactics? Anything you can do to take your mind off it all?

You know this weekend may be an issue for you, can you give yourself a good talking to to keep this all in perspective?

Come back to MN if you need a chat, I'll be here if you need me?

[iva555]

Hi,

I can give you some advice. I have suffered for two years with panick attacks which started from an unhelpgul husband and an overdose on cafeine so i can stay awake and take care of my daughter who never used to sleep at night. Anyway.....that was two years ago. I stopped that medication on my own and started studying it. I am not saying you suffer from panick attacks but if you are panicky this can help. The trick is not to fight your body's reactions. What I mean is....you know when you feel that first panicky feeling raising up in your stomach, the next panicky wave comes because you panick of the first wave. The panick is usually a build up of adrenaline that needs to come out!!!! When you start feeling the first wave...just smile at yourself but really smile and say to yourself ok come....I will not fight you. Let that feeling come, don't fight it. If you do , you will panick more!!!!!! It will spill all over your body like a hot wave and it will pass!!!! If you want further help I can tell you to buy a book which saved my life and thought me how to overcome this. I can never have another panick attack...ever! Good luck

[SolidGoldpiginablanket]

OK you have done the biggest step already, which is saying that you have a problem and that it's your problem (ie not blaming it on your nice DP who is not the former nasty DPs). Things that might help are: when he is going out, stockpile treats for yourself, a really good book/DVD, something nice to eat, time to spend on a particular hobby or passion. Along with the other good advice you have had.

[toomanystuffedbears]

Hi,
Acknowledging it, respecting it, and having the courage to deal with it is a big step towards resolving it.

I had panic attacks and as iva555 said, I resorted to having a rather courageous, cavalier attitude towards it-"come on; get it over with; I don't really care anymore" -and it just dissipated like a puff of smoke. Granted, it took several of the 'confrontations' for it to completely give up on me, so to speak.

I kind of likened it to a visit from the devil. I'm not really that religious, but assigning it an identity seemed to help reationalize it. However bonkers that may be, or misguided in the mechanisms of psychology, it helped.

Take care, you can resolve this.
Congratulations on your anniversary!

You seem to be triggered when your dh goes out, so that suggests some sort of separation anxiety.

You could try to break your symptoms down into individual actions and work on eliminating one at a time. For example, be determined to not cry. Or to not let your body respond with tremmors-put some lotion on and massage your feet. That is doing something nice for yourself physically and emotionally.

I also agree with GroundHHHogs and SolidGoldpiab about the diversions. Have an activity that you'll look forward to having uninterrupted time. I put on Pride and Prejudice (I know when to look up ), and sit down at my sewing machine to work on quilts. Yes, I am at times "excessively diverted". (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

[whyohwhysigh]

Thank you so much everyone.

I did use to suffer from panic attacks, but this was a long time ago when I use to suffer from depression. I feel that maybe it is a sense of anxiety when we are apart as well, though I don't want to be so dependent on him I can't last a few hours without his company (although I can manage fine during the day! lol).

I do try and stop the panic attacks, so maybe letting it just come like you say will help.

I am thinking of staying over at a friends on Saturday, just so I have company and hopefully keep myself occupied. If not, then I have a couple of films I can watch. And if all else fails, I'll come on here

iva555, could you tell me about that book please? I might be interested in reading it.

But thank you so much for your advice. I feel better knowing that this is something I can work on and not have it affect DP so much. Though I may talk to him about it, maybe not go into too much detail, but just make him aware I get uneasy when he is out, not because I don't trust him, but because of my past. I obviously have to make sure he completely understands that. He is very understanding though, so I think if I did talk to him, he would just keep in touch more when he's out to reassure me. He is a goodun, and I love him very dearly, so obviously I don't want my problems to affect our relationship in any way.

Thanks again everyone I feel much more positive at the moment.

[GroundHoHoHogs]

You will be fine, guaranteed! You know what's going on and why, all you have to do is be brave and feel it wash over you...

Feel the fear and do it anyway as the saying goes...

thinking of you!

[whyohwhysigh]

Hi, just to let you know I was okay last night. I had a lot of work to be catching up on so that kept me busy. Plus I let DD stay up and watch X Factor with me so I had company. And I was actually okay, I didn't have any panic attacks. I felt a bit down but that was about it. I had talked to DP about it briefly on Friday and he said he would keep in touch which he did. And he wasn't out longer either although I kept assuring him it was fine and that he could stay out longer, but apparantly his friend was hungover still from the night before. His friend drinks a lot and use to be a real influence on DP a couple of years back which is probably why I worry as well. But hopefully things will get better and I wanted to just let you know. And again thanks for all your support and advice