MIL question....

[Igglybuff]

I'm fairly new to mumsnet and have read plenty of MIL threads, especially in AIBU. I'm posting this question because I don't want to end up a bitter DIL... Here goes:
My MIL is a nice enough woman and we've got on fine. She tries hard to be friendly etc as (her words) she doesn't want to be a MIL from hell.

However since the arrival of our first DS 7 weeks ago, my relationship with said MIL has changed. And it's starting to annoy me.

DS was a large baby (a beautiful chubster in my eyes). At every visit she makes "passing" comments about his weight or feeding (e.g she'll say to my DS that he can't possibly be hungry, she asked me whether he would end up being a fat child when older etc). At first I thought I'd ignore as her kids were little babies.

She's also made comments which infer that I worry too much (I kept checking on sleeping DS who was in another room during her visit - I had no monitor so had to check - she said I was too conscientious and when she had her first she would happily do the housework and feel no need to check).

Usually her comments are like water off a ducks back. However one "minor" incident has hacked me off and I may well have to have word. Basically she was over and, as usual, was holding DS as he slept. He started to wake up and I knew he was due a feed especially as he was doing his "hungry face". I went to take hime and she tried to stop me, stating that he couldn't be hungry. She also said she wanted to wait and see him cry before handing him over. I don't think he believed I could tell what he needed. In the end DH had to wrest DS off of MIL and I left the room to feed.
To his great credit, DH told his mum off immediately. She seemed to want to teach us/DS that sometimes he has to wait and cry, that in her day she couldn't attend to her babies immediately etc etc. I also think she doesn't believe breastfed babies need to feed quite so frequently.

She did apologise for upsetting me. However, knowing her, I worry this sort of thing might happen again when DH isnt there - as they visit regularly when he is at work. They usually "behave" when he's there. Also they're used to telling their daughter how to do things with her kids so probably think they can with me.

After all that rambling, I wanted to ask if I should pull MIL to one side and ask her to stop with the comments about DS's weight and feeding? Also (my main concern) should I tell her that I expect her to allow me to parent my son how I best see fit and I expect her to respect our parenting methods if she is ever allowed to babysit? I'm worried she'll let DS "cry it out" before seeing to him...

DH says I should only say something if this happens again - and he would happily do the talking as he knows I'm not comfortable doing so. But I'd rather take preventative measures.

Any thoughts welcome! Thanks

[rookiemater]

Well it depends if you have history with them or not. If they are generally reasonable people then you could try a subtle approach. Every single time your MIL makes a remark about your DSs weight respond with a completely straight face and say something like " Oh he is on the 50th percentile for weight and the HV says his weight is absolutely fine". Hopefully if you keep repeating this she will get fed up.

Babies tend to turn many normal people into gibbering fools. So whilst of course it is your baby your rules, you may find that just politely and confidently saying what you want without overjustification may hopefully do the trick whilst trying to remember that although MIL is a nuisance her reason for doing this albeit misguided is wanting the best for her GC.

Congratulations on your DS btw.

[CarGirl]

can you try and adopt a pleasant but firm approach of something along the lines of "you brought them up your way, dh & I are doing it our way"

If he didn't bf then you can correctly inform her that bf babies are different and you can't over feed them so he couldn't possibly be fat! Can you get her a facts booklet of bf or something? Then every comment along those lines you can "still haven't read that booklet have you" with a jovial laugh and a big smile.

[HumphreyCobbler]

A pleasant smile and "No no, you are quite wrong, he does need feeding. I'll have him now." Said with steely determination.

These comments are very annoying, I do sympathise. I would concentrate on the fact that you are going to bring up your ds your way, and that she has no power to change the way you do things. It might help you to ignore her.

[Igglybuff]

Thanks Rookie. I don't have much history as it were - they are reasonable people. I did quote the HV who said that his weight gain was "beautiful"
as they wanted to know after his latest weigh in.

She BF for 6 weeks then gave up - I have been tempted CarGirl to make such comments, but the polite DIL in me stops me. However I can see myself making sarky comments (which is what happens if I get fed up). Maybe it would be better to give her the facts! Although she should know as her daughter BF all three of her kids.

Humphrey - I will try being more steely. It's just the way she responds if I try and take DS - it's as if I'm being unreasonable!

I am seeing her tomorrow so will do my level best to ignore the comments but as it's a long visit I may well struggle...! I just don't like the fact she makes such comments yet claims to try and be a "perfect" MIL.

[CarGirl]

perhaps just point out that the "perfect MIL" wouldn't be ciritical.

[mrsboogie]

just say don't be silly - it's not possible for a 7 week old baby to be fat or overfed -whether bf or ff they only take what they need.

but I would go with what your DH suggests - he has told her off now so wait until she does it again and then let him give her a talking to.That way you can stay well out of it. It's better if its him who tells her off anyway.

[Igglybuff]

Haha CarGirl true - she did ask the other day what kind of MIL I thought she was. I just laughed.

mrsboogie I think you're right but I feel I should stick up for myself. Although maybe best not to go there unless it gets out of hand..

[diddl]

I think leave it & say something next time.

Don´t think I´d be asking her to babysit though!

[Twinklenips]

I don't think you need to justify yourself to her in any way at all!

Smile at her, take him and say, he needs feeding now. Take control, he's your baby not hers. I know that sounds easier said than done, but you need to nip it in the bud now. Take it from one who knows!

Good luck love, believe in yourself

[saggyhairyarse]

I know if it were my MIL I couldn't not say anything.

Be polite but firm.

MIL Q: What does he weigh?
DIL A: It doesn't actually matter what he weighs. He is following his centile, look i'll show you his red book....(blah, blah, blah).

Baby: Waahh
DIL: Hand him over then, it's feeding time at the zoo.
MIL: He should wait.
DIL: Well most people these days don't leave their babies to cry but feed on demand so hand him over. Don't worry, you can hold him again after smile sweetly

Ya de ya de ya de.

He is your baby. Start as you mean to go on and stand your ground!

[Igglybuff]

Yes I need to be confident! As a first timer I do have bouts of uncertainty especially in front of others and MIL has four kids so can intimidate me. It's ridiculous really.

[Hunibee]

Just a thought.

I had twins - boy and girl. BF both of them - on demand and it was more of less equal in terms of amounts.

One of them was a lanky lightweight, the other quite a chubster. They are still the same at 12.

In my experience, its got very little to do with your feeding and more to do with genetic make-up.

You are the best person to know what is right for your baby.

[NanaNina]

Igglybuff - I am posting as a MIL and GM! Many years ago when I was a young mother I had a rather nice but interfering MIL especially about baby rearing, but I just rode out her comments and took no notice. In a few months she calmed down and there weren't too many problems. She was basically a kind person and we stayed on good terms all through her life until she died fairly recently.

I think the thing is when you become a GM there seems to be a temptation for MILs to want their dils to mother in the same way that they did and this I am sure is what was happening with my MIL and me.

I have no such notions with my dils (I have 3) and my grandchildren. For one thing, so many many things have changed since I was a young mother almost 40 years ago, and I wouldn't dream of making comments like your MIL. Indeed I have nothing but admiration for the way in which my dils mother their children. Also I firmly believe in a mother's intuition (as to whether a baby is hugry) whatever and I am relieved that my dils know what to do with a crying baby etc. your MIL is really going to have to learn to keep her thoughts to herself.

However I do agree with the majority of posters who are saying don't get into a big confrontation as this will only escalate matters. Just in your MIL's defence - she probably doesn't realise how annoying she is being and she did have the good grace to apologise for upsetting you. I think there are some good ideas on here - remain cheerful but firm and maybe even the use of humour can sometimes take the tension out of the situation. I think as well you might find that in a few months time she will calm down and get used to the fact that you parent in your own way.

I think you need to strike the balance between not saying anything (as you will get more resentful) and having a big confrontation. Have just noticed that your MIL asked what kind of mil you thought she was............now was she fishing for compliments or was it a genuine question. My guess would be on the former. I think it a bit odd that she asked the Q to be honest - we don't normally go around asking this sort of Q do we.

In my day the baby guru was Dr Spock and the truth was I never bothered with his books much but I used to quote them to my mil, partly as a justification for what I was doing and partly to annoy her. Could you not use "Well now Gina Ford/Baby Whisperer" says and I think they know their stuff and the HV agrees to" or somesuch. I'm sure she will get the message over time.

[Igglybuff]

Nana thanks. Today I saw her and firmly explained how I could tell whether DS was hungry (because she was holding him and I wanted him back to feed). She took it quite well. I also talked about the latest on breastfed babies and weight gain etc which she seemed to take on board. I think you're right - there is a balance to be struck. Judging by today I think she knows she's touched a nerve after the last incident as there was a bit of tension. I'm sure that will pass.

She also left after I explained DS was getting tired and tried to point out the signs to her. So I think she might soon respect my style of parenting... Fingers crossed...

[Igglybuff]

Nana thanks. Today I saw her and firmly explained how I could tell whether DS was hungry (because she was holding him and I wanted him back to feed). She took it quite well. I also talked about the latest on breastfed babies and weight gain etc which she seemed to take on board. I think you're right - there is a balance to be struck. Judging by today I think she knows she's touched a nerve after the last incident as there was a bit of tension. I'm sure that will pass.

She also left after I explained DS was getting tired and tried to point out the signs to her. So I think she might soon respect my style of parenting... Fingers crossed...