I have upset my mum

[ChasingSquirrels]

and I knew it was going to upset her so I have been avoiding telling her.

I have agreed with ex he can have the dc's for xmas.
I didn't really want to, I would prefer to have them at home with me for the entire xmas period, but life isn't like that unfortunately.
I would prefer him to have never left in the first place and to not be in this situation, but I am.

My mum feels very strongly that the dc's should be with me.

Throughout everything my mum has been there for me, and I just feel so bloody lonely now.

[cakeywakey]

Oh dear, sorry to hear you're having a hard time. It can't have been an easy decision but it's really nothing to do with your Mum. It's between you, your DC and your Ex.

Presumably it will be your turn to have your DCs next Christmas? Your Mum will just have to come to terms with the fact that this is the way things will be - I'm sure she'll come around and realise that being upset is no help to you or your children. Take care.

[diddl]

Oh goodness!

What a good person you are!

I hope your mum is gentle as you´ll be feeling sh!t enough at Christmas without them without her making you feel worse.

There´s no way you get on well enough with ex for you to be together for Christmas?

How long will he have them?

Will you have your own "Christmas Day" with them on another day?

What will you do?

[ChasingSquirrels]

she is very hurt by it, I understand that, I was pretty upset when I agreed it with him, but have had time to come to terms with it myself and think what we have agreed is the best of a number of options.

he2 is having them Sun 20 to earlish boxing day morning.
we will do "christmas day" on boxing day and then I have them for all the following week.

I think they are going to his parents (not nearby) for xmas, but I don't want to be involved in his time with them, and he has a gf now anyway who I imagine will be involved in xmas.

Just know that I need to talk to her and explain, and know that she won't understand (is that generational) and I'm not looking forward to it.

[diddl]

OK so delay "the day" by one day perhaps not too bad for you.

And it´s still part of Christmas iyswim.

Yes, I can see that your ex should have his time also.

But I know some separated people do get together or Christmas so that they both still see their children on "the day".

[skidoodle]

It's a bit much for her to be hurt.

I can understand if she's disappointed or sad, but she has no reason to be hurt. This decision was (presumably) not in any way about her, as it shouldn't have been.

She's really being quite unfair to you. I'm sure it's a hard enough thing to have to contemplate without having to deal with her stropping about it.

[ChasingSquirrels]

she isn't being unfair, she is definately not stropping.
she is upset and I understand that.
I do believe that it is partly her business, we are a family, and that makes it part of her business. If we had nothing to do with one another that would be different, but she is very involved with our lives (happily on both sides).

it is difficult to give a whole picture without writing reams.

I just wish I had someone to give me a hug atm really. But I'll get over it.

Better make tea for the dc's.

Thanks to everyone who posted, sometimes it just helps to know that someone is listening.

[skidoodle]

Of course it is her business. It is her business to give you that hug and tell you that it will be just as good having Christmas on Boxing Day and that you're being a great mother by doing this even though it makes you sad.

It is her business to keep her sad feelings about this to herself and not burden you with them, when you have so much more reason to be sad than she has.

[TheUsefulSuspect]

To be honest, it will be terribly upsetting for you not to be with your kids on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and you need support from your Mother, at the end of the day you are her child and you need her help, not for her to compound the problem.

[MadBadandDangerousToKnow]

Of course your mum may be disappointed at not seeing your children on Christmas Day but she will (I imagine) see them on Boxing Day, which you can make a second Christmas Day. You have done a very kind, generous and selfless thing and she should be proud of you for that.

[callmeovercautious]

Bless you! I would be in a real mess if I had made that decision. Of course she is upset - because she knows how hard it was for you.

(sorry but you need one)

[ChasingSquirrels]

I know what you are all saying, but actually I am (at the moment, Christmas day itself will be another matter) ok with it.

My mum is fantastic, really really, and has been there for me every stop of the way.

She didn't have a strop, she didn't rant at me or anything like that. She just looked physically drained, and suddenly 10 years older.

And I know that she will be there for me, and support me when I am upset on the day, but I just feel so awful about having to tell her and to have been part of her feeling that way.

[cremeeggs]

TBH it seems a bit selfish of her to make you feel bad about this. I can see why she's upset - and presumably upset for you as well as for herself - but surely she can understand that it's not something you want either and that you don't have any choice?

I don't think you should be feeling bad for upsetting her actually. If you are feeling upset it is because you have to let go of your children over the Christmas period. Your Mum should realise that it's very upsetting for you and that you need her to support you rather than blame you.

[ChasingSquirrels]

thanks, but she really really didn't purposely make me feel like I do - it was her physical reaction, which wasn't "put on" or anything to make me feel bad.

[PercyPigPie]

Poor you. Can I just ask why, if he left you, he gets the kids on Christmas day though? I understand you have to share them, but if this is your first Christmas like this, I would have thought you should get them this year.

[ChasingSquirrels]

not 1st xmas, we split in Apr 08, I had them last year.
Who left who isn't relevant is it? I would of course prefer to have them for all special occasions, but recognise that they have a relationship with their father, and that part of that includes sharing special times with him.

Say my mum today and was ok.

Thanks everyone who posted.

[NanaNina]

I think as time goes by ChSquirrels you will probably all get more used to these kind of arrangements. It is particularly hard now because the split was so recent and I assume the children are quite young. I think an important factor that I haven't seen mentioned is for you and your mom to make sure that your children don't pick up that you are sad about the Christmas arrangements. I am sure you know this already but sometimes I think kids are just so much better at picking up feelings that we give them credit for.

You sound like a lovely mom and are being fair to your ex which means that the children will grow up not to have divided loyalties. I think you and your mom will have to look upon this as another of those selfless things that mothers (and nannies do) because they love their kids.

Anyway hope you all have a lovely "belated" Christmas.

[WhiteRoses]

Just been reading through this and of course your mum was okay when you saw her. Like you, she's never going to be happy that they're with your ex on Christmas Day, but you've said yourself that she's an amazing mum who's been there for you every step of the way. Of course she'll put her own feelings aside and think of you - just like you've put your feelings aside and thought of your children when making this decision in the first place.