Don't like DH anymore

[endoxana]

I am fairly new to MN but need some help and advice. DS2 is just under 3wks old and I know I am hormonal and sleep deprived.

DH and I were due to register DS2's birth 2 days ago I wanted DS2 to have my maiden name (which I still use and is on my passport)as a middle name like DS1 because it is unusal and I have no brothers and it will disappear with my parents. However, DH just point blank refused said I got my way with DS1 and thats enough. I was so upset I didn't go with him to register and needless to say its not on his birth certificate.

I feel like I am stuck in a time warp where women have no opinion. I have fallen out with my parents as they can't believe we don't seem to have an equal partnership. I am currently tolerating DH after huge arguments as I can't face arguing anymore, but I just feel like an empty shell and doubting why I married this man, why I have gone on to have children with him as my opinion and feelings seem to matter so little to him.

Sorry for rambling just don't know what to do. Do I just let it go or go behind his back and add the name or wait till DS2 is of an age he can request that he wants an extra middle name!!!

[ClaraDeLaNoche]

I think you need to remember you've just had a baby and are exhausted and emotional. Yes it was a shitty thing to do but everyone falls out with their H now and then. You do sound like everything has got on top of you.

I don't think you can go behind his back because I think you will need both parents' consent. I would have a glass of wine, try and take a break, and speak to him when you feel a bit stronger to get him to help you change it. Easier said than done I know.

Good luck.

[endoxana]

Thank you. It is so hard to know whether it is really a big deal or whether I am blowing it all out of proportion due to very hungry baby keeping me up all night.

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

I think that you can change the name quite easily within a set time of registering it. So that needn't be a done deal.

I don't understand why he is being so stubborn about it (all my children have my maiden name which I kept when I married too BTW). If it is very important to you, then discuss it further with him and then change it. If he really won't discuss it then I think you have major problems. This is not a dictatorship, it is a partnership. The children having his surname and your name as a middle name is a compromise, as you could be demanding your surname.

Congratulations on your new baby.

[endoxana]

Normally DH is great and I love being married to him but I don't understand why he so against even discussing the name issue. He just says the issue is closed and that I am like a dog with a bone and won't let go. I can't understand how he can be so cruel he knows it matters to me. He turns this around and says it matters to him that DS2 doesn't get my maiden name. But I don't think its the same.

DH phoned from work today and enquired if I was OK because I was quiet - how can he be so dense as to think I'm now OK with it all.

[ILoveGregoryHouse]

Have you asked him why it matters so much to him that DS2 doesn't have your name as a middle name? I think the answer to that question would be very telling. I'm sorry you're having a bit of a shit time.

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

Have you tried sitting down and talking to him calmly over a cup of tea. Start with something like "Dh, I know you feel this thing is done and dusted, but I am feeling upset by it and would like to discuss this further." all said very calmly.

Explain that it is very important to you that the children both have his name and yours. You have accepted that his name is their primary surname, but you feel that you would like them both to also have your name as a middle name (I know you've said this to him before, but it might need repeating with the stress on the fact that you are compromising by not asking for them to have your name or a double barrelled version).

Ask him to calmly explain to you why he is so against the idea, because you do not understand his hatred of it.

Suggest these compromises:-

1/ You change ds2's name to include your surname
2/ You change both the children's names to a double barrelled version
3/ You change the dcs names to an amalgamation of both surnames

Ask him to offer a compromise, if he can't then ask why they should have his surname and not yours. Ask him in a reasonably way. No gettting upset or emotional. Ask for a reasonable answer. If he won't give one then ask him to think of one and get back to you when he has.

For some reason he is digging in his heels on this one and you need to know why.

[endoxana]

He won't even discuss it just says he doesn't want it and I got my way the first time with DS1.

I have a feeling it maybe down to my father in law who is a very controlling man generally and wants to control my DH which he does to a certain extent. I think my in laws were annoyed when they came to visit me and DS2 in hospital and realised that I was using my maiden name . In my opininion they will have doubted that my DH ' is a real man ' allowing me to do this. All rather pathetic but as my MIL has often said to me you want a real man that lays out the rules because that is the only man you can really respect!!!!

[Aussieng]

Is he really fine on all other aspects? Anyone can get a bit unreasonable over something at times but most people who are generally reasonable don't just refuse to discuss something when they usually have an open and communicative relationship.

Is this the only issue you have fallen out with your parent over ie have they based their conclusions on you not having an equal partnership on this one issue or are there other factors? This is not a good time to be isolated from your parents.

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

Have you tried approaching it calmly? Or is it usually a bit of a nag?

You need to talk to him about this and him closing you down is not the mature way of dealing with it.

This is a joint decision and should be treated as such.

Your PIL sound like trouble! No woman wants a man who will treat her like a child. We want partners and respect.

Could you write him a letter? Or show him this thread? Would that help?

Just to open communication. It's not healthy for you to be so upset by something and not be able to talk to your DH about it.

[cyphercat]

I completely understand what you are going through as I too wanted my name somewhere in my DD's name, but it just didn't happen because of DH and his parents. I just think let it lie low and if your child wants to change their name when they are grown up, let them do it. It's just not worth it when you are so tired anyway. But I would clearly let DH know exactly how you feel about it and that you are disappointed that he doesn't understand where you are coming from.

He clearly takes for granted that they are just going to have his surname. Ask him to imagine that they both took your surname, then wouldn't he want bit of his own in the children's name??

[endoxana]

DH can be a bit tricky over some things but the longer we have been together I have got better at the ways in which I approach things and usually get what I want. DH is aware after the event that I put things to him in certain ways that he accepts which he wouldn't have if I hadn't been smart about it, he finds this amusing.
However, there have been a few occasions where I feel he is deliberately stubborn and unsympathetic to me about things that matter. When he is like this there is no negotiating with him and I feel controlled.
My DH is a very successful man who is used to getting his own way at work. He provides us with a very nice lifestyle and I think because of this he thinks it gives him more rights. In fact he bought me a very nice necklace for having DS2 which I now don't wish to wear as I feel it symbolises that I am to shut up and just be grateful for all the lovely things he can provide.

I think I could make this into a major thing. I spoke to my MIL about this and she said I should just accept DH decision and that he is a fabulous provider. But I carried DS2 for 9 months and I am the one who's body goes through the trauma of birth and I am the one who changes nappies, feeds and gets up all night. Oh what a mess!

[YouKnowNothingoftheKABOOM]

endoxana this is clearly, really upsetting you. Please talk to your DH about it.

What about the letter idea? So you can tell him how you feel without him stomping off. Or showing him this thread?

Being a provider is not a trump card.

I would not personally stand for this, and if DH was shutting me down then I would present him with the new Birth Certificate showing the amended name.

But then I'm stubborn

And I don't recommend doing that.

I'm more concerned about the lack of communication here. Especially when you should be focusing on baby.

[hattee]

I wasn't sure how much I liked my DH for the first few weeks after giving birth either! I think hormones and sleep deprivation have a lot to answer for! A lot of of what you have said strikes a cord with me, as DH is also sucessful at work, and can be a bit of a bulldozer - I don't think he realises that sometimes he can be like this in his personal life too. I have learned to talk to him after the event too.

That said, I don't understand why your DH is so closed to this. As the others have said, you need to speak to him calmly to understand his objections, and for him to understand how important this is to you. What you are asking for is entirely reasonable.

On a practical level - you can change the name upto 12 months after the initial registration, and you get a new birth certificate. Its really simple - you just go to the registry office and fill in a form. I did this as DH got his way with our DC's name too, and we added in a new name later

By the way, it didn't last - I like and love DH again now

[endoxana]

I just want to say thank you to everyone for listening. I have taken great comfort that some of you have been in a similar situation. I am going to do as you advise and write a letter so I don't get too angry.
If DH is still not able to enter into a discusion about this then I will change name by deed poll or open a bank account with new name and then new name will be legally his in years to come I think.

[londonartemis]

endoxana - I found that after the birth of my second child little things began to take on huge proportions. I really don't think I was sane for several weeks after the birth. I don't mean that you aren't sane, but simply that our hormones are all over the place and we can get very caught up on particular things. It might seem very different six months down the line.
I wonder if your DH wants to take a stand against your parents. They 'got' your first child with the surname, and he's damned if he's going to let them get the second one too? I think it might lie in his relationship with them, rather than you.
My advice, is just to keep going on for the time being. If you feel you can find the right moment to face him about the name, then do, if in doubt, leave it out!
I hope you and the baby are doing well!

[endoxana]

DH kept asking if I was Ok this evening finally I said no I am still upset over the name and wanted him to explain his reasons so I could understand. I was very calm initially he stomped off and refused to speak then finally he said he wanted his children to have his surname at this point I thought he must of misunderstood that I only wanted my maiden name as a middle name and not a surname. However, I was wrong he just doesn't want my maiden name as a middle name at all. Also he is annoyed I haven't properly taken his name which was new to me that this annoyed him.
Anyway he has basically given me an ultimatum either accept that DS2 doesn't have my maiden name as a middle name or divorce!!! Unbelievable but I know he means it. I can be really stubborn too and could end our marriage over such a ridiculous issue but I love him.
Any advice he is an idiot but I don't want to divorce but I'm not very good at giving in.

[ilove]

Why haven't you taken his name?

[endoxana]

I have kept mine for professional reasons. Its also really unusual unlike his and I like it.

[InMyLittleHead]

He can't mean it about divorce. No one is going to divorce their spouse over something like this, he is just trying to bully you.

I don't know what to suggest at this point except giving the necklace back to him with a little note saying 'You can shove this up your bum'.

[trulyscrumptious43]

Both my kids (by different dads) have my surname, as do my sister's kids.
This is because my dad's mum was a single parent in the 1930's. She got dumped, pregnant by her fiance who never spoke to her again, or acknowledged my dad.

So he has her maiden name, so do I and my three siblings, and in her honour, so do three of her great grandchildren, who she never met but who know all about what a fine job she did in a culture which put single mothers on a par with the criminally insane.

Also - it's very easy to change your baby's birth cert as long as you do it before their first birthday. I just popped in on my own the day before ds was one and gave him another middle name as a birthday present. Dh wasn't too pleased but so what really, he left me anyway for the woman over the road 3 months later.

[allok]

I think it' s common not to take husband's name these day.

My dh's surname is pure comedy and makes people assume I'm from his country. I wanted to hold on to a bit of my identity. I was given a name at birth - why shouldn't I keep it just because I'm female and it's not a name that could have dh's one stuck on the end (way tooo comedy and difficult).

My only issue is that ds has dh name and it has been said that if I travel with ds I should take some documentation to link me to him like his birth certificate - wish I'd thought of using my surname as a middle name for ds - that's smart.

You dh is being pretty bloody unreasonable - yep just because he provides you with a great lifestyle doesn't mean he can dicate on stuff and you just want it as a middle name - sounds a fab compromise. But, you've just given birth - let it go for a few months and see how you feel then - then just add it to his birth certificate if you feel that strongly - he shouldn't be that upset about a name that will almost never be used in everyday life is he?

Horrible how names can cause such hassle - we've a had a few.

[poshsinglemum]

I thhink that he is being really wierd about this tbh. It does sound very dictatorial. I would get it done anyway. Screw him.

[poshsinglemum]

But also I think you have hurt his manly pride by not taking his name. Again- screw him!
Hope he changes his mind.

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

Hi, I don't really know what to say to help, except to re-iterate that you are not being unreasonable. I does sound like you not having changed your name is the crux of the matter for him.

But it is not 1955

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

MY DH was really unreasonable about DS and middle name as well. He also wouldn't budge. Pissed me right off (still does if I think about it ) but I kind of get his point (we are raising DS here, so he's more english than moroccan, and he wanted DS to have a proper moroccan name, and having an english middle name wouldn't have been authentic. Bullshit, but coming from a sort of rational place.

Your DH is using your son to make a point about you not changing your name which is a massive heap of shit and probably stems from your mosogynist FIL and doormat MIL. Sorry. Do not give in, prepare a proper argument about why you don't want to change your name (check the massive thread in AIBU for inspiration!) and stick to your guns. And don't wait til the week after kids are born to agree on names in future (lesson learned)