Endoxana, I think you're wise to step away from the battles at the moment. Concentrate on your dcs, look after yourself, hopefully get some sleep!

That said, I echo the other posters in validating your anger, both at the issue itself and your h's imposition of his decision. I had a similar battle with my ex (not over names) over our newborn. He won by shouting me down and refusing to listen. I was tired and vulnerable and gave in. It was the first manifestation of a very bad dynamic between us that ultimately made me leave. I'm not saying this will definitely happen to you, but I am saying watch out for this domineering tendency in your h. If it's a once-off, fine, but if it's a pattern - ask yourself if this is how you want to live.

oh I'm glad you made this decision... it'd be awful if the name argument was affecting your enjoyment of your first few weeks with DS2. You never know, given a little space, your DH may reflect on this and change his mind. In the meanwhile, enjoy DS2

Thanks hattee. I am actually not too bad on Friday I made a decision that I couldn't go on like this otherwise I would make myself ill! So I said to DH that I was willing to let this go but told him that I will never forget how badly he hurt me! Since then DH has been very helpful and kind and keeps saying how happy he is that we are talking again.
Strangely as time is passing I am feeling less angry and upset maybe some of my emotions were due to hormones! Although I do still secretly hope that in time (maybe years) I can add my maiden name to DS2's name with DH's agreement.

How are you feeling now endoxana? I have been thinking of you as its horrible to be unhappy with your DC's name, but more importantly it must be awful to feel that your DH won't listen to you over something you feel so strongly about. I hope you have managed to resolve this somehow

endoxana it sounds like you're really going through a lot at the moment.

Your DH is being an arse, a complete arse, and from what you say about him generally this does not seem like him.

Your name seems like the biggest issue to him, whilst the dcs names are the biggest issue to you.

I hate to suggest a compromise when you have done nothing but compromise, and if you are at all worried that this is just the beginning of him treating you like his inferior then please do not consider it, but could you maybe offer a deal whereby you change your name to him and the dcs (including any future dcs) all get your name as a middle name?

If he does begin to be an arse afterwards then you can always change your name back (not forgetting that he would need your signature to take your name off the dcs' cert)

Hope you're ok.

Sinpin I think you have hit the nail on the head I think my DH also sees my resisistance to take on his surname as a lack of commitment on my part.
Ultimately I am willing to change my name if it upsets him so much but feel very angry that he is refusing to agree to give DS2 my maiden name as a middle name that will hardly ever be used.

Sounds like you won't get this sorted while you're under such pressure, so you're wise to concentrate on your priorities as you say.

Your dilemma rang a few bells for me. I kept my maiden name when I got married 17 years ago - my husband made snide comments about it and eventually blew up one day - I think it was just after first DC was born - and it all came out how important it was to him that I should have his name. I think in some way he felt I was not really committed to him as I hadn't taken his name. So I changed it, even though I didn't really want to and my name and his surname are not a great match. But ultimately he cared about it a lot more than I did, so I did what he wanted. I kept my maiden name at work, but sometimes wish I hadn't as it causes problems from time to time with my bank account or phone messages. Looking back now I think we would both say it's not really important at all and wonder why we ever let it become an issue. We've had many more serious bridges to cross since that day. As someone else said your child becomes the person they're going to be regardless of what name they bear.

Both my husband's family and mine live abroad so there was no pressure from parents in law, which made it a much easier decision for me - if I'd felt someone else's interference I'd probably have been more inclined to make an issue out of it

Thanks Iggipepperedfillet so kind of you to ask.
Things have not been great DS1 has been very unwell with temps in 40's for past 4 days and not slept at all. Its been really scary and lonely as DH sleeping in spare room and blissfully unaware. So typical as he has never had one ill day in his life and it had to coincide with new babys arrival.

As for DH he has been as helpfull as a chocolate teapot! He's been working lots and when he is about conversation has been very strained as all I can think about is how unreasonable he is being. Whenever, I mention the whole name issue he usually storms out. He says he just wants to get back to normal and that he misses me. I don't know we can ever get back to normal as the only way to do this appears to be for me to accept that my husband ultimately makes decisions and that my opinion matters so little and he doesn't care if he makes me unhappy. However, that said I am actually running out of energy and my number one priority at the momment is to my boys who are adorable even if their main aim in life appears to be to prevent me from getting any sleep. Why is it when they are unwell they develop impeccable manners and thank you for even the smallest thing, it would bring a tear to a glass eye.
Sorry for rambling but just grateful someone asked and feel better for getting all that off my chest.

Hi Endoxana, just wondering how you are doing and hoping things are ok with you

"At the time it annoyed me until I realised I was taking swaping one man's name for another."

This isn't true. After living with it all your life the name becomes yours, it's not the same as arbitrarily changing your name just because you got married. If your husband was so keen on having the same name why didn't he take yours? And men have a "man's" name too, but somehow that doesn't matter for them. The name is regarded as theirs, not to be given up.

It really is about sexism whatever people say. Women taking men's names is all about a tradition of ownership and control of women by men. It's why it is so important to this guy because he's reasserting who is boss, probably because he feels intimidated because his wife has given birth to two children.