friendship politics

[Feelingsensitive]

I am probably being rather pathetic and admit I would be too to talk to RL friends about for fear of looking ridiculous. 2 friends yesterday came over yesterday. I have known the 2 (X and Y)concerned since our first DCs were born 4 years ago. We have alot of mutual friends, etc. Before we met X said she wouldnt be able to stay long as she was out tonight. At that point it was only her and I who were due to meet. Anyway, we had coffee/chatted and the kids played. All well. Y left early. I carried on chatting to X when I remembered she said she was out tonight and asked what she was up too. She looked rather embarrassed and said she was out with Y and 2 other mutual friends and then changed the subject. It felt odd at the time as I know if I had been in the same position I would have extended the invitiation at that point. I came away from the situation feeling like a 12 year old girl in the playground again. Actually feel tearful this morning wondering what I have done.I slept on it last night and this morning can't help but feel that it was all, well, planned. In retrospect it seems odd that they didnt mention the fact they were seeing each other again in a few hours or Y didnt say anything along the lines of "see you later" to X when she left. Also X changed the subject as quickly as she could and only said anything when I asked. Its clear to me they didn't want me to know and didn't want to invite me. I know I am being childish but I feel so hurt by this. I dont expect to be invited to every night out but I do think that given they met up with me just hours before they were due to go out and X told me their plans that its rather blatant. Or am I just being paranoid.

[junglist1]

You're not childish for starters. I'd be fuming. They don't have any manners or consideration. I don't understand the mentality of some people

[OrdinarySAHM]

This would upset me too so I don't think you are being stupid. Often though, things seem really bad, but there is an explanation which makes it all feel ok. You can't think what that explanation could be at the time but once you find out it all seems clear.

I hope you won't fall into the trap that I have lately. Things have bothered me but I haven't said anything. Then my feelings have built up and built up til I ended up being horrible to a friend and have probably lost the friendship. As she said, a nice way can be found to talk about problems without upsetting people and that is better than storing up ill feeling then wrecking the friendship.

Could you say something to whichever one you feel would be more receptive - something like, I felt a bit upset the other day because I got the impression that you and a and b were going out and I was wondering if I had upset anyone and that is why I wasn't invited. I am no good at this sort of thing myself so if anyone wants to suggest different wording that could be useful?

[SorciereAnna]

You shouldn't have asked what she was up to! Golden rule of friendship, IMO.

[TeamAlesha]

Oh I would feel just the same as you. It's the sort of thing I would get really upset about and my DH would tell me to start being so stupid.

Im sure it nothing personal.

[TeamAlesha]

• STOP being so stupid - Doh!!

[TeamAlesha]

How are you feeling now you've had a bit more time?

[Feelingsensitive]

Hello. Thanks all. I do feel I am being rather pathetic and should be a whole lot more grown up. I totally accept that people go out without me and ordinarily I wouldn't have a problem with these people seeing one another without me. Its just the fact that they sat and had coffee with me just hours before they were due to go out together and never said a word. Anyway, there are far bigger problems in the world. I am by my very nature a friendly person, always invite people out that sort of thing. I won't change that but perhaps I need to see a little less of these people. You can't force people to like you or want to spend time with you. Its strange but I thought all these antics were left behind when I left school. Funny how some things dont change. My gran was telling me about the silly games going on in her group of friends and they are all over 75. I suppose the best thing is not to be part of it yourself. I doubt I will say anything as for one thing I am a chicken and secondly it would all just be too awkward. There is obviously some problem. Just pleased to see I am not the only one who thinks they were behaving oddly and not the only one who would have been upset. Thanks all. Excuse the rant and any typos. I need to start cooking dinner......

[TeamAlesha]

I think you have a great attitude, well done for rising above it.

[Conundrumish]

I would be sad too.

How big is the group of friends. Are there others that have been left out? Are these two a little subgroup within the group?

I am just thinking that perhaps they fancied a quiet night out in a small group and if they had invited you, they would have had to invite others too.

[TrickorTreatTrunkThighs]

I have been in your situation feelingsensitive and know how horrible it feels.

BUT I am trying to see it from the other side to maybe make you feel better

Is it simply the case that maybe Y did all the arranging and X felt that she couldn't invite you? It wasn't her place to? Weak but understandable. She clearly felt awkward about the whole thing so perhaps didn't know what to do?

Clutching at straws maybe - wine + beer