jealous friend - confused as to what to do. please help!!!!

[wheniwishuponastar]

Hi,
Need a bit of advice, as there is a situation which i don't really understand.

i've been friends with this one friend for ages. she's a year older. we are both only children. she always used to persuade me to come out with her friends.

i've been 'friends' with her friends for years. we all went our separate ways for uni and then a while ago we all got back in touch and started meeting up again.

there is one girl in the group who my friend seems to have had a funny relationship with. my friend seems to be jealous over this girl's success with boys.

anyway, this girl kept asking me out for a drink, and i kept trying to say, let's meet up us four girls (me, new girl, old friend and one other). my old friend kept cancelling, so one day i just saw the new girl on my own as neither of us were doing anything.

it was nice.

when i next saw my old friend she was absolutely furious. and she also said that she thought it was out of order for this girl to get in contact with me. that this girl had caused trouble in the past. and that none of her other friends would contact me.

i'm really upset and confused. i feel like i've been wasting my time hanging around with her friends if i'm not allowed to actually be friends with them.

does anyone have any insight into this???

[QuintessentiallyMrsJackSparrow]

I am not in a charitable mood today, so will say outright that your friend seem like a total waste of space, a bitchy cowbag, and to leave her and her issues to herself.

She is not the boss of you, she is not the boss of the group, and frankly it is none of her friggin business who you are the other girl meet up with. They ceased to be just "her" friends the moment she merged you with them.

It happens all the time. You meet somebody through somebody else, and friendship forms. In normal circumstances people are happy when this happens as the group will bond further.

However, giving your old friend the benefit of the doubt, I would ask her what exactly her problem with the new girl is, and what the new girl has done to her, as you have noticed your old friend trying to limit contact. Maybe she stole her boyfriend? Or let your old friend down badly?

[MamaG]

Wow
I can't possibly say anything better than Quint!
so = what Q said

[wheniwishuponastar]

i have asked her. she won't be clear what the problem is. which i think is disrespectful as she wants me to follow what she says, but she won't explain it clearly.

she says that this girl caused trouble between two boys (an ex of hers and an ex of the new girl). the two boys used to be best friends and now they don't speak apparently. but she won't explain what this girl is supposed to have done exactly. to be honest i think it is the boys responsibility to sort things out themselves. that's all i can think, until i know exactly what she is supposed to have done.

[wheniwishuponastar]

she says she's a trouble maker. (ironic i know)

but there are two problems. firstly with this new girl.

but also the fact that my old friend doesn't think i should be friends with ANY of the group. What the hell have i been doing with my time? To be honest this one pisses me off more.

[LuluMamaaaaarrrrr]

how old are you all??
this is ridicolous

you can be friend with whoever you want, you don't need permission and you don't have to justify it

[QuintessentiallyMrsJackSparrow]

What happens with this girl and those two blokes are none of your old friends business, it is up to them to sort it out, like mamag says. And it is for sure no reason why YOU should not be this new girls friend.

Your old friend seems to be intent on meddling, and that is potentially causing a lot more problems than the original issue, which was a disagreement with this girl and two blokes you dont even know.

[wheniwishuponastar]

has anyone had any experience of a jealous friend like this?

my mum, incidently, thinks you shouldn't move in on someone else's friend. ironically she's always moving in on MY friends, exboyfriends, boyfriends (not sexually obviously!!!!!)
which completely confuses me.

ironically this old friend once invited this new friend out to a new year party that my dp was organising. this was before i knew the new friend properly. but my friend was like i suppose i have to invite her. i wasn't too happy at her inviting someone to my dp's thing that she didn't like, so i said if you don't like her then don't invite her! but she insisted. and then got really really pissed off when the new girl got off with my dp's friend, and they went out for a bit. and she was annoyed when this new girl tried to be in contact with me. after SHE had invited her to my dp's party. how annoying is that?????

[wheniwishuponastar]

i do vaguely know the two boys.

i mentioned this situation to a friend of mine and she said, well what was this new friend doing if she knew that she and the old friend didn't get on, the new girl shouldn't have tried to be my friend.

wtf?????

[wheniwishuponastar]

i am quite confused. the old friend is my oldest friend really. it is not nice to think that she is manipulative, and not v nice.

when i confronted her about it, she said she knew she was being rubbish. and blamed it on her dad being ill. which is ok i guess. except that she was like this before her dad was ill.

her dad is now very seriously ill. and we are supposed to be each others bridesmaids. so i don't particularly feel like having a showdown or causing trouble.

however, i do want to understand the situation better.

this new girl emailed me and said what happened, thought we were getting to know each other. i said, i enjoyed getting to know you too, but its difficult for me as the two of you don't get on.

she accepted it.

i wasn't saying that i didn't want to be her friend, but just why i was finding it difficult.

i had been made redundant (start of the recession) and had a family bereavement all in the same week, so could not think straight or think how to resolve it. so i just had to be honest.

but now that those things have died down, i still don't know what i make of it.

part of me thinks, if this new friend is a trouble maker, then i dont want to make a big effort to be her friend, just for my old friend to say told you so. but to be honest, that is less of a problem.

it is more my old friend showing that she thought i shouldn't be friends with any of 'her' friends, after persuading me to come out with them for years.

i feel used.

now my old friend is very busy with her new job, and also is getting married (to one of the men in the 'group') she doesn't go out so much, but also doesn't need me to be her 'date' as she's with her fiance.

used and abused!!!!!!!!!

and she knows i have been lonely recently (or at least depressed) but it seems like she doesn't care.

[QuintessentiallyMrsJackSparrow]

It sounds a lot more nuanced now, with the new information to be honest.

I especially noticed what you said about this new girl getting off with a bloke at your partners party, much to your friends annoyance.

I take it YOU have a partner, your friend have a partner, and new girl is a "promiscuous" party girl?

Do you LIKE new girl? Is there a POINT forging a friendship with her? Especially if it comes at the cost of another older friendship?

I think you need to call your oldest friend on that. Ask if she really thinks you cannot be friends with ANY of the friends in this group, or just this one particular girl that your friend has an issue with? If so, I sort of see where your mother is coming from. It is not decent of new girl to move in on YOU, if she knows you and old friend goes way back, and she and old friend dont see eye to eye. THAT in my mind is manipulative. Your old friend is just being honest. Try square it with her before you do anything else.

Also, with old friend getting married, and you having a partner, this opens up your friendship to family activities and fun together as a couple, rather than just girls out on the town.

[wheniwishuponastar]

i wouldn't say she is a party girl particularly. at the time of the party, i was with my boyfriend, and both the new girl and the old girl were single.

when i got to know the new girl yes i did like her. but i didn't really want to risk losing my old friend. to be honest, i couldn't cope with any of their nonsense. so just moved away from the whole thing.

but i'm annoyed about it. i'm now ready to deal with it. but still don't know what to think about it.

when i asked my friend, she implied that she didn't want me to be friends with any of them, but particularly this girl.

this has really shocked me. how could she say that? how can i broach that with her???

[poshsinglemum]

This sounds like a mess. I don't think that the new girl sounds like a problem. She sounds like she's enjoying herself.What's wrong with that. I take it she's young, free and singleish. Lighten up. Mabe she should find some likeminded''promiscuous''party girls to hang out with instead. I don't think she's promiscuous either btw. She snogged the bloke fgs- she didn't shag him.
I don't see a problem with my old friends making friends with newcomers. It's very healthy imo. Obviously if the old friend is shunned on new girl's arrival then it's a bit different.
I do think that your old friend is being possesive, jealous and unreasonable and should try to get on with your mates too.
Women!

[poshsinglemum]

There is no reason why your old friend can't accomodate the new friend but this girl will prob be outed from the clique anyway if she has a different lifestyle.

[BitOfFun]

I would love to see UnQuietDad's reaction to this

Sheesh, we don't half make life complicated for ourselves sometimes!

[Georgimama]

Is this one of those threads that I fail to get, where the OP is just having a joke and describing a TV programme - like that thread about the annoying group of friends who hang about in a coffee shop and act like they own the only sofa? Is it one of those?

If not, grow up. You're not in the playground anymore. Unless you are of course, and stumbled onto your mum's login. If you're all over 15, this kind of behaviour is just sad.

[wheniwishuponastar]

yeah i know its childish - that's why its pissed me off!

this girl doesn't have a different lifestyle at all. she did shag the bloke eventually, but she went out with him for a while. there was no problem with that.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Your old friend sounds like the worst sort of monogamist herd animal - only couples allowed in the Friendship Zone and non-coupled people are the Enemy. I'd advocate just saying, 'Really dear? That's an interesting viewpoint' every time she starts squawking, then change the subject, and do as you see fit.

[wheniwishuponastar]

the old friend was single at the time too... but yes i take your point about ignoring her when she's not making any sense!!!!

[ravenAK]

Just go for a drink with New Friend, & make your own decisions about whether she's someone you want to be mates with.

If Old Friend decides that it's her business which of her acquaintances you hang out with, just smile & say: 'But I can make my own mind up! Why are you so bothered?'

& if she persists, say: 'Honestly, if I didn't know you wouldn't be so ridiculous, I'd think you were saying it was down to you to tell me who I could be friends with!'

Keep smiling throughout & refusing to enter into any discussion of how NF may have upset OF. Just don't encourage her - she needs to learn that she can't pull other people's strings.

[wheniwishuponastar]

yeah thanks. i just had a quick chat with new girl on facebook. i feel a bit better about it now i've thought about it and heard your feedback. wish i'd sorted it out ages ago. cannot believe i let myself be manipulated... grrr.

[2rebecca]

Your friend sounds like she should still be at school. Having a hissy fit because your friend is friends with other friends is silly. Even if this old friend doesn't like the other lass she shouldn't feel she can control who you are friends with.
Having an ill relative isn't an excuse to try and control other people's lives.

[wheniwishuponastar]

yep i agree!