Should I stay or should I go? Please advise...

[wangle99]

DH and I been together nearly 18 years, married nearly 15. Two DC - DD 12 (today!) and DS nearly 6. Always had turbulent argumentative relationship.

We both work, he doesn't help etc etc basicaly last weekend blew up big time I said I would leave and actually packed a bag but realised at the time was rather hasty and had nowhere to go lol

My gripes - DH doesn't help, doesn't get involved with the children, spends most of his time at home attached to his mobile phone or laptop.

His gripes - I talk to him aggressively, when he does help I tell him he hasn't done it right (which majority of time he hasn't or hasn't finished job) and I'm not affectionate enough.

I am fully appreciative that it isn't all him but we keep 'trying again' and I am just not sure what to do now. How many times can you 'try again' when should you just call it 'quits'.

He has tried to help me more before but he says my picking at him makes him not want to bother anymore but i'm frustrated that he cannot carry out the simplest task properly ie clear ALL the table, put ALL the dishes in the dishwasher etc etc

I realise you can't tell me what to do but some advice would be great as really not sure where to go from here. I have made an appt to view a bungalow to rent on Monday but of course can cancel that.

Help . Sorry this is long and I hope it makes sense.

[blinks]

can relate to your story.

i think alot depends on what the relationship has going for it generally... not putting ALL the dishes away or clearing ALL the table is rather minor if the rest of your relationship is fair and balanced.

if he doesn't get involved with the children and spends his time avoiding time spent as a family, THAT would be the main issue actually worth arguing over.

if you really want this to work, i would try to bring you all together a bit more, maybe going out for evening meals together, long walks with no mobiles etc

you're both stuck in a cycle of resentment but underneath it you're probably both feeling sad at the distance between you.

[howtotellmum]

Have you thought about trying to get back to how you were pre-DCs? ie making time for the two of you as a couple and going out etc? It sounds as if your basic issue is lack of communication about your needs- it's more than just him not doing the chores well.

When you have agreed to "try again" what have you BOTH tried to do, in terms of changing your behaviour? have you set out your expectations clearly- and has he? It's never going to change anything if you just say you want to try again, without identifying what aspects of your behaviours you both need to change.

Why do you think he opts out of family life?

[wangle99]

Thank you. All comments are gratefully received.

The dishes and table were examples, everything he does is only ever half done, stuff meant to go to the shed in the garden gets dumped outside back door, washing gets half put away.

His parents are older parents and I think this affects the way he was brought up, his mother did/does everything for his father and also for him when he lived at home (we live next door to them also) and he is just like this. FIL never got involved in DH upbringing and he doesn't seem to be able to change the pattern and is like it himself. He wants to do stuff with the children that HE wants to do ie walk the dog whereas DS would love his daddy to sit down and play lego with him but DH finds that boring.

Please keep the comments and thoughts coming I don't want to give up without a fight but not sure where to go.

PS Relate didn't really work, neither of us are talkers where other people are concerned and it was really hard.

[TripleTroubleMuffin]

I don't think because his dad wasn't hands on excuses your husband from being an involved dad. My FIL wasn't allowed anywhere near his kids but my DH is a full hands on dad.

DH does thinks that annoy me, he does them his way, not mine but that doesn't make him wrong.

It seems that you are fed up with your DH and all I can suggest is that you talk to him.

Work out for yourself if you would want to stay if he stopped doing the things he annoyed you, or whether you want out and just need an excuse.

How is in with it being a birthday?

[GypsyMoth]

Would your dh fight also though? Is would he let you walk away without putting up a fight as well?

[howtotellmum]

Have you had a conversation with him rather than nagged or shouted about his short comings?
Have you explained how you feel?

His role model as a child wasn't good, but they sound fairly typical of many 1950s/60s parents tbh! He doesn't have to follow their behaviour.

IME no men or very few, do chores as well as women- so you either do them yourslf or accept his mediocre attempts!

Has it always been like this? what about the early days?

[wangle99]

Thank you ladies having comments from other perspectives is really helping.

I think DH would fight, he has indicated he would but I need to change too (which I do appreciate).

Early days he was worse lol when we first moved in together, first day he came home from work and asked where his dinner was and where his clean socks were (think I should have learnt from that comment lol!!!).

I am not looking for an excuse for a way out - would rather make this work but have got so bogged down with it all not sure how to do it. Perhaps we should go out for a meal and talk about everything, trouble is whenever I say what I am not happy with he thinks I am having a go and nagging whereas I am just 'saying' it.

perhaps we should write a list of what we would want differently? Is that a good way to go do you think?

DD is enjoying her birthday, DH just dropped her and a friend into town to go to the cinema, he has built a couple of cardboard robots with DS too - although left the 'cut out' bits from the cardboard all over the table argh

[blinks]

i'm wondering if my husband is a bigamist.

it grinds you down doesn't it...

i go up and down with it but on the whole i have had to acceot that this is how he is- puts everything off and leaves stuff undone/half done. he needs alot of cajoling into generally everyday tasks BUT on the positive side, he is a fabulous father (really amazingly wonderful), is very very funny and is great with more technical things that require patience (i have zero patience). for these reasons, i generally dismiss the negative but sometimes it's really annoying to pick up after someone. it means resentment builds up. try not to let it build up, lighten up a bit- it's not the end of the world, and tackle it with a sense of humour. i empathise though.

if he's improvedn rather than 'take him to task' (it won't work), tell him that you want to acknowledge how much he has improved since you met and how happy it makes you when he does a fair share of household chores. tell him that when he tidies up after himself, it makes you feel more relaxed and less tense and you really appreciate his efforts to improve.

you will be amazed what a bit of flattery can do.