Friendships that are increasingly hard work

[SerendipitousHarlot]

Ok, a bit of background.

My best friend is my colleague at work, where we met 4 years ago.

We have a funny relationship - he is a single gay man, and I am a married straight woman - but we enjoy each others compant, like a lot of the same music, books, theatre and nights out etc. Plus, he makes me pmpl, always a bonus.

Anyway.... over the last few months, I'm starting to see things in him that I really don't like in a person. He is incredibly selfish for one thing, everything has to be either his way or the highway - oh there's loads of stuff, I'd be here all day

Recently we went on out monthly works night out (piss up) and someone in our group had some trouble with some random woman in a pub, so we all got thrown out. Classy, I know As a result of this, my friend got in a mardy and stropped off, leaving me on my own to follow him to the taxi rank at 1 in the morning - I suppose this is partly why I'm re-evaluating the friendship a bit.

But also the work stuff is really getting me down. He spends all day moaning and whinging about work and how much he hates the job, how he's the only one that ever does anything properly, blah blah - bear in mind that I work on the same desk, and am pretty good myself, thanks!

I just don't know how to deal with him. I have a family and work full time, and really don't have the time or the inclination to deal with someone that's becoming increasingly needy and moany all day, every day...

Any ideas? Sorry it's so long

[Disenchanted3]

I'd say

'is any thing wrong, or do you want to talk as you have seemed a bit down lately, not your usual happy self? And you were very out of character when you left me outside the club the other night, it was quite scary'

[SerendipitousHarlot]

I've tried that Disenchanted - I've tried asking him why he's so fed up, without mentioning the word 'moany' - it makes him worse - he goes all defensive and tbh, we don't really have a deep emotional relationship, more a social/work one, if that makes sense.

[Disenchanted3]

Why not just try to cut down on the social side then.

Just because you work together doesn't mean you have to socialise.

4 years is a long time and like you said you lead very different lives, friendships do fizzle out, theres no need to feel guilty about it.

[SerendipitousHarlot]

But he hasn't got anyone else... his family live far away, he's single, he doesn't really have anyone - and how can I cut down the social side, when we sit next to each other at work? If I suddenly stopped going out with him, he'd ask me why.. oh it's so difficult.

[Disenchanted3]

Hmmm, I see your point but if his friendship isn't valuble to you anymore, as in you are not getting anything but grief from it, then its hard to carry on.

Could you try and find him a boyfriend to get him out of your hair?

[Fruitbeard]

I may be about to make a sweeping generalisation here, but as an amdram fag hag of many years' standing, I have noticed that many (not all!) gay men simply don't 'get' that women feel a little vulnerable in circs like you've described - leaving you to walk to the taxi rank on your own, etc. It's more thoughtlessness than an active lack of concern for you - well, it has been in my experience, anyway.

However, the moaning would get me down. Does he do it in front of the whole office or just you? If the whole office, perhaps enlist a few colleagues to jump on him (nicely) when he starts off - I used to work with a (straight) incredibly moany bloke many years ago and the only thing that sorted him out was everyone nodding agreement when he went off on one of his rants 'yes, xxx, you're so special, we'd just fall apart without you, how the bank manages to run on a daily basis when you're on holiday we've just no idea' - he got the message!

If it's only you he moans to... tricky. I ended up having a blazing row with someone like that I used to work with over their constant whinging, it cleared the air and we were fine thereafter - but I'm not sure I'd recommend that route!

The only downside to finding him a fella is that if that goes tits up he's likely to moan all over you about that too...

[SerendipitousHarlot]

I would love him to find a boyfriend, Disenchanted, I think half the issue is that he has nobody to sound off to at home. But like Fruitbeard says, that would something else to moan about

It's the whole of our team that he moans in front of - there are 6 of us, and obviously he's the only one that works hard

I'm just worried that if it carries on I'm going to end up standing up in a dramatic fashion and shout 'SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!'

[alisha29]

id tell him to f off or give him a wide birth hell soon get the hint just see him at work