OH is lying to me

[dontunderstandmuchreally]

i am a regular MNetter but have namechanged for this.

OH is in the forces and we have known for a while that he was scheduled for deployment to start in june and finish in december. however as im pregnant (due today) he applied to go on a training course thats based in uk so he could be home every other weekend. he told me last week that he didint get selected for the course and so will be going on the deployment. we are gutted, well, i am, and i thought he was. he gets very quiet when he starts thinking abou it and says he is really annoyed but there is nothing he can do. i have asked him to speak to his seniors and reapply for the course but he says there is no point, he is going and thats it.

anyway, today i read his texts and there are some from his mate who is on the course telling him to get on it and OH replied saying he asked not to be put on the course until after the deployment ends because they are stopping in some really good places.

i know i shouldnt have read his messages but he has been so quiet that i thought it might shed some light. i dont know what to do. he's happy to leave his newborn and our older son for six months to see some nice countries, thats not right is it?

i just dont know how to deal with this? i cant understand why he would want to be away from us.

[PremenstrualChickens]

Maybe he didn't get selected, but doesn't want to lose face with his friend?

[dontunderstandmuchreally]

its a possibility but he's not like that, he's not the type to be bothered if friends get through and he doesnt. he's usually happy for them. he would have said he didnt get selected

[Hassled]

No, it's not right and you must be feeling pretty shit. Was the time after your last DC was born very stressful - did he take to fatherhood straightaway or did he find it hard? It does sound like evasion - so either he's very selfish and just wants the travel, or very scared of how he'll cope with the baby and is running away (again, selfish).

Either way you need to talk to him.

[dontunderstandmuchreally]

when ds was born we were separated, and actually only got back together last summer (3 years apart) there were other issues at the time which are no longer a problem

[mumof2222222222222222boys]

I think you probably need to have a serious conversation before he deploys. It won't be easy with the baby arriving any seond - prob best to do it as soon as poss.

Perhaps there is more to this, particularly as you have clearly had your ups and downs. It does sound like he is being incredibly selfish, and the fact that is seems like he is lying to you makes it more serious imo.

It is so easy to avoid confrontation when DH's are deploying, but in this situation you really need to know where you are.

Do you have friends who might be able to shed light on this / anyone in RL who might be able to help.

I really feel for you and hope all goes well with the baby.

[dontunderstandmuchreally]

i only really have one friend who i discuss relationship things with, i know i need to talk this out with him before he goes, but i just dont know what this means for us. i know i could never leave my children for that length of time willingly and im wondering if he can, does that make him a bad father or is it just a personality type. are some people just able to do that? i guess im just trying to work out in my head how i feel if it is the sort of person he is and what it means for our future. also the fact that he's lied isnt good.

[anotherforceswife]

I think there are 2 possible answers. 1, that he is lying to his mate to save face; 2, that he really wants to deploy and just can't explain it to you. I am assuming he's Navy? is it somewhere "fun" like the Med or are we talking sandy desert sort of place?

This thing is - they really love deploying, it's why they join up. My DH (Royal Marines) admitted really enjoying his time in Iraq, not because he likes being away from me and the kids but because it's the real point of the job.

You really do need to have a long chat with him. Try not to shout and scream, try and be understanding even if you are not, don't put him on the defensive and you are more likely to get a straight answer. Good luck.

Good luck with the new baby too!

[RedCharityBonney]

I thnk it makes him a bit of a dud as a father, and a complete dud as a partner. Which is harsh, I know, but it's exactly what I think.

If there's no other explanation, and he's going because he wants to and not because he has to, then he is a stinker.

[HolyGuacamole]

I tend to agree with redcharity. He didn't need to lie to you. He could have truthfully said "look, I know you want me here but I have the chance to do this, how do you feel about it?" and so on.

He is probably not a bad person (I hope not anyway), but you are equal to him and he should have talked about it with you, this is an important thing in your lives.

I wouldn't go mental at him though, even although I would feel angry. I'd try and have a chat and let him know that he has really hurt your feelings big time.

I hope the birth goes well and wish you loads of luck

[dontunderstandmuchreally]

yes he is navy and theyre going to south america. i know he is looking forward to it, i dont blame him and iknow he really enjoys the navy life but whenever we have talked about the time we were apart and the deployments he was on and places hes been he says he would trade it all to have been with us. and i believe him when he says that. i just cant understand why he would want to be away when he missed all the early stages with ds1. he says it was the worst time of his life knowing that he was missing his son growing up.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

Most men don't find their babies that interestin guntil they are over about 6 months anyway.

Would you feel better if he just said he really wants to go to XYZ?

[dontunderstandmuchreally]

i think i would stil find it difficult if he had just said i want to go. but i understand that some people just dont feel the same about their children as i do. i understand he enjoys being away and seeing the world whereas i enjoy being at home with my family. i think im more upset that he has been telling me he is gutted and that he's going to find it really hard (which i know he will) but that he has no choice. its the fact that he's lied that has upset me more i think.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

Well, you are going to have to confess you have read his texts if you want to have a proper talk about this.

[dontunderstandmuchreally]

yes i agree, im just gettin my own thoughts sorted via MN befoe i lunge into it. iyswim.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

Don't lunge. Just be calm.

[dontunderstandmuchreally]

working on it, just expecting the defensive shutters down response. will wait til ds in bed.

[skidoodle]

He's a bad husband and lousy father and crap man.

Why stay calm? You've every right to be furious that he is prepared to lie to you and abandon you with a newborn so he can have adventures.

A turkey baster is more use than this.