Another relationship dilema I'm afraid...

[robin3]

At a cross-roads....

I work full-time and earn all of the money. DP looks after our children who are at school/nursery for much of the day.

Since we had our kids our relationship has been rocky I'd say. The usual sort of stuff....split of duties, pressure of two small children etc. We always agree on the big stuff though so moving house, kids schools, and we share the same vision about our future.

He is a very different person to me and grew up in a family where you can (in my mind) disrespect each other and I have also found this difficult to manage over the years so last night, friends around, one picks up the phone to his ex wife and has a bit of a debate with her and afterwards my DP says 'why d'ya think I'm not married mate'!!!! I call that rude and disrepectful but he thinks that's a laugh.

6 months ago DP started what our counsellor refered to as an inappropriate relationship with another Mother at the school and it suffocated us. I dont think anything actually happened but it was enough to land us in counselling. We only went once and it was obvious that DP wasnt going to try and thought the problems were all mine. I went again on my own and the counsellor more or less told me that she thought he had issues that only he could resolve with help and I wasnt going to be able to just fix us. Also they are still great friends which is difficult for me to live with but again DP is not going to alter this.

Anyway we've both been trying. DP has done much much better at looking after us all but he still has an easy life compared to me. I suppose the past 6 months have been too much for me really and I feel he is trying to maintain the status quo because he's got too much to loose. Personally I dont think I do love him any more and if it weren't for the kids I'd go or atleast be able to give myself some space. All that said we still have a sex life, we cuddle on the sofa in the evening but I do feel I'm faking it.

So...how can we get it back on track. Can we become best of friends again? Intimacy not the issue as much more that I still think we're angry with each other. Counselling not an option for him.

Any advice welcomed.

[Overmydeadbody]

If you don't love him and you 'fake' breing affectionate and cuddly with ihm, then you need to seriously tihnk about whether or not you want to stay with him for the rest of your life.

[robin3]

I want to be affectionate with him but at the same time I don't like him very much. I know it sounds strange.

[toomanystuffedbears]

You need to be very careful...because the impression I get from your post is that you are suffering from a slow drip of toxic emotional abuse.

He disrespects you (I am guessing...)on a regular basis and wants you to believe that this is "ok"-because (insert any lip service crap). It is not ok. You know it is not ok, your intuition on this must be given credit. Of course the goal of the slow drip is to erode away your intuition.

The cost of staying with him will be very high-ultimately your emotional/mental health.
Consider staying in counselling, but instead of for your marriage, perhaps you should be concentrating on your self-esteem, on dealing with an emotional abuser.

I think the "affair that wasn't an affair" is a test to see what he can get away with-what are you going to tolerate because you are too busy, too tired, too patient, too forgiving? Straying is in his mind and that you object is your problem? It is not your problem. He is conditioning you. More toxic drip, drip, drip.

Do you, sincerely-in your heart- want him to be the role model for your children? Does your [dear-cough] partner see your children as people or as a "project" to be dealth with (check off the boxes-done)? It is their mental health too, and for such distorted patterns (being treated as a "project" is emotional deprivation) to be set in early childhood-well, your intuition should be shouting that it is not good.

[robin3]

I'm always being told by others about how highly he talks about me in public! That's why I get so confused.

[robin3]

Other thing is that he's the primary carer and I see less of my children than I'd like already working all week so if we did split I think he'd get everything and he'd be emotionally screwed up and parenting my children even more than now.

[Dior]

Do you think that his behaviour towards you and the other mum is to make himself feel the big man, as he is 'only' the child carer. Does he feel like you are in charge all the time, over money and things?

I know that my h does think less of me because I don't earn a wage - almost like I am living off him and not earning it - do you think he could feel like he is doing that to you? That can be a big thing for some men...

Just a thought and I am NOT blaming you in any way.

[robin3]

We've been through all of that over the past few years and he has always managed our finances. Of course he says that he hates the fact that he doesn't financially contribute but on the other hand he spends all his week in the garden when he has a perfectly good profession that he could be rebuilding. No one that knows him quite understands why he isnt but again the counsellor told me that she feels he's the one lacking self-confidence. He has a lovely life really....big home in the country, my Mum and Dad helping him with my kids, both my children out for most of the day and the late afternoons spent at other kids homes having coffee and all the kids having a nice time.

[Dior]

Perhaps he is just taking the piss then. It must be hard being a SAHD as other (working) dads would be suspicious of any time spent with their wives, BUT he nearly had an affair!

Maybe he should just get back to work and you could arrange for childcare?

[robin3]

I'd be perfectly happy for him not to work and just hang out if he treated me with the respect I think I deserve. Trouble is that it all tallies up as too much taking the mick. I said to him this morning...'what are you up to today' and he said 'think I'll go to the garden centre and pick up some more veg plants'. Not an issue if he hadn't have talked down about us in front of people last night.

[titchy]

I think we need more details. Exactly what was 'inappropriate' about the relationship with the other mum? The counsellor may have referred to it like that - but how do you, and how does your dp regard this relationship?

The comment he made to his mate - I'm not sure I'd regard that as disrespectful in itself to be honest. Flippant, a bit insensetive and thoughtless given that you heard it, but not purposely disrespectful.

You seem to resent his 'easy' life - 'he still has an easy life compared to me'. Do yuo want his wholeheartedly appreciation for the fact thatt you work and earn all the money? Do you feel you would like him to put you on a pedestal because you work so hard in comparison?

You say he has done much better in 'looking after us' - implying that's his role.

There seems to be some resentment tbh from you that you're the one working and he's the one at home. Ask yourself honestly if the roles were reversed would you still feel the same?

If swapping roles isn't an option, or him doing some paid work isn't possible, I think you need to explore with your counsellor how you can view both your roles as equal and just as important - you should ideally both work as a team, with different, but equal in status, contributions to the team of parenting.

[robin3]

They started spending lots of time together without the children, he tried to kiss her and then two weeks later she was still sending flirty texts to me. He changed his email and kept his mobile with him at all times.

Agreed that in other circumstances his comment could be insensitivity but of course I'm extremely sensitive at this time.

I resent his easy life of late because he spent so much time messing around doing nothing with this other lady which rather blew his cover.

The role reveresal is a challenge for me but I've done 5 years and I will have to carry on forever as he could never ever earn what I earn so a swap back is not doable.

That's kind of why I'm asking how we can repair and improve our friendship because his snide remarks and a great deal of his treatment towards me seems to stem from the fact that he feels angry about my reaction to his 'friendship' and I want us to go back to just having the usual arguements.

[robin3]

that should me 'to him' not 'to me'

[robin3]

Tried that....he says he didnt nearly have an affair. He made a mistake in trying to kiss her because he was upset and she gave him a hug. He told me because he wanted to be honest with me. That she has done nothing wrong and that their friendship is the same as any other Mums friends...they tell each other stuff and rely on each other to help with the kids.

I have to say that although it's taken a few months I have moved on from that now and happy for them to be friends but I still want him to treat me with respect and for him to regain our friendship.

[HappyWoman]

It doesnt matter what the comment is, if you feel upset about it he should not belittle your feelings. Tell him how you feel and if he continues to disrepect you then you will need to have a bigger think about what to do.

And it is ok to not be happy about the friendship either - my h had an affair and i am not happy about him forming 'friendly' relaionships with women now. He totally understands and in fact goes out of his way for me to meet as many of the woman he works with now.

Is your h happy for you to also have a friendship with this woman? I think if you face it with him rather than him being upset with you about it, it would help. I dont think many woman would be happy about their h still seeing a woman he tried to kiss (whatever the circumstances tbh).

[robin3]

He wanted us to be friends before all of this and still does and she tries to be my friend too. I avoid her where possible and if she talks to me I respond poilitely and try to move away as soon as is decent. We dont talk about any of that any more.

On the other bits and pieces, I do still stand my ground but he does this 'woe is me' thing of 'maybe i should just say nothing'. Honestly a simple....sorry that was insensitive...is all thats required but he will not accept any responsibility for his actions.

[HappyWoman]

So he is still happy to be friends with someone you are not comfortable with?? Again this is showing little repect imo.

Obviously if you said he couldnt have any friends that would be different but surely he can understand that he has crossed the line with that friendship and needs to support you on this.

I cant imagine having friends that dh was not comfortable with. I did once have a friend who he did not like much and actually i think his insticts were right she was not a good friend at all when the crunch came.

[toomanystuffedbears]

From a different perspective,
do you give him enough attention?

I don't necessarily mean sexually, but that too I suppose. Other posts point to the needs of the male ego, and that is valid. Full time job, children...is he at the bottom of the list?

Some things you could do would be to notice what he does and offer sincere compliments. Be appreciative/don't take things for granted.

When he is disrespectful, call him on it. Just say, "hey, that was dismissive/ridiculing/belittling/insulting/degrading". And you could follow up with a: "If you are serious about the relationship you will not do that anymore."

[Uriel]

Why don't you go part-time so you can see the kids more/spend time in the garden and he can go back to his career part-time too?

[toomanystuffedbears]

One more thought for you robin3-
When he says:
"Why do you think I'm not married, mate?"
You could chime in with:
"And that's a two-way street if there ever was one!"

Good luck to you, I hope things work out for you.

[HappyWoman]

yes actually he is in a pretty poor position if you were to split - if married he could also ask for maintance from you to support his lifestyle as well as look after the dc.

When he does say it again you could say something along those lines - maybe he would think you were serious then too.