DP's daughter is driving me crazy

[LadyInPurple]

I moved in with my partner and his daughter (and my son) two months ago.

Things are ok but his daughter just drives me crazy and I don't know if it's normal 11 year old behaviour and I'm being unreasonable or if I'm justified in feeling this way.

She just seems to seek attention constantly. She gets up in a morning and refuses to make any breakfast or any drink ... she just flops on the sofa and moans that she's tired/hungry/thirsty etc. My son gets his own breakfast and gets himself ready for school and he's 2 years younger ... yet I'm expected to run around after her as if she's incapable of doing anything herself.

And then she never knows where anything is for school and expects everyone else to run around looking for it. By this time my DS is stood waiting near the door ready to leave.

If it was just this, it wouldn't be so bad but it's other stuff too. If me and her dad are on the sofa watching TV, she will come and sit ON him and won't move. Makes up stuff like she's ill, has headache, is "too tired to go to bed" etc etc. It drives me insane, especially if we've just sat down to watch a movie.

Everything is a huge drama with her. She's CONSTANTLY tell-tailing on my DS and sits there slagging him off for no reason. This was what she said to me an hour ago...

"Don't you think it's funny that DS thinks he's going to be rich when he's older? it's so funny because you have to be like ... CLEVER to earn money and I can just see him in a few years living in some crummy flat in a crap job with no money and he'll still think he's going to be rich one day"

And then there's the constant boasting ... constant talking (I mean CONSTANT talking ... just going on and on and on for hours)

I'm just finding it really hard to live with her

Like yesterday we were really busy in the garden ...

"dad .... dad ... dad come here a minute ... dad come and look at this .... dad can you find me my bag? I need it now ..... dad where is my DS? .... dad I've got a rash, come and look .... "

We got sod all done because he kept running off to false "emergencies" all day.

I'm trying to be understanding but it's very, very hard. It's not like she has no time with her dad because 3 nights a week me and DS go out from 5.30 until 8.30pm

She refuses to join any clubs or do anything for herself. I find myself rolling my eyes whenever she starts moaning etc....

It's doomed isnt it? are all 11 year olds like this??

[controlfreakythecontrolfreak]

you sound jealous, unempathic and downright mean imho... (well you did ask).

these new living arrangements mean a lot of adjusting for all of you.... don't you think you might try to see things from her perspective? you are meant to be the adult in this situation after all. perhaps she senses you dont actually seem to like her very much (which is the strong feeling i get reading your post).

[LadyInPurple]

I do like her, she's a good kid but she makes everything so difficult. A simple day out is plagued with a drama about her not wanting to wear certain shoes or not being able to find a certain top ... then she causes arguments with DS all the way there ... then starts playfights with him when they get there (and then goes off in a mood if she gets hurt).

I'm just not used to so much drama and hysterics.

[rumdontbotherreplyingmum]

yep.. pretty much so... its just that you've not grown up with her and not got used to it on a gradual basis..
look at it from her point of view.. you've taken her dad away... be her friend, take her shopping, find some common ground with her.
set up some house rules, sit everyone down and ask them what should be on the rule list, let the kids both come up with them, there may be something that you do that she finds annoying..

just remember her hormones are kicking in as well.

[pottycock]

It's a massive adjustment for her to make, sharing her Dad with you. She's obviously insecure and in need of reassuring that you're not going to 'take him away' from her.....you sound quite resentful of her attention seeking from him - can you read up on this or ask from advice from somewhere in how best to manage the situation together?

[peggotty]

Sounds like she's reacting to the very big and stressful change in her life. It's only been 2 months, you've not really given it very long. You don't sound like you're 'trying to be understanding' tbh. Has she always been like this, what does your dp say?

[cory]

she is a) insecure

b) at an age which is usually difficult for girls anyway

maybe you should meet more 11yo girls before you judge (speaking as the mother of a 12yo)

[prettyfly1]

OP - this is not a thread known for its kindness to stepmums - hit the stepmum area. For whats its worth from an actual stepmum what you are describing is VERY normal in the first stage of getting used to a new family set up. She is used to being the only woman in her dads life and is acting out. There is absolutely no need for you to tolerate her slagging off your son - I wouldnt and I would explain to her that her behaviour and attitude to him is nasty - how would she like it. Your his mum and someone also has to stick up for him. I think the sitting down and agreeing on house rules is a good idea, however at eleven years old she should be able to get her own breakfast etc and I dont think using some kind of reward system to encourage her to learn to organise herself is a bad idea. Your not being a bitch - you are getting used to a child raised totally differently to yours who is not behaving in any way that would naturally endear you too her. To not find that tough takes the patience of a saint as any of us stepmums will tell you. Its bloody hard, you do need to be tolerant with her and give her time but you dont need to take any abuse or crap aimed in your sons direction.

[junglist1]

I don't have experience of "stepmumming" but it seems like a normal transition phase. I can understand you being peed off with her cussing your son, and think you need to put your foot down with that. The attention seeking will hopefully calm down in time.

[cory]

Prettyfly has a point and it's worth checking out the stepmums thread

. Otoh I have to say that I have seen several threads on the stepmums thread where a stepmum gets a lot of sympathy (and her partner consequently a lot of blame) for behaviour that seems to me entirely normal for whatever the age group may be. The kind of behaviour that most of us put up with from our children because it is normal.

Almost as if people thought teenagers should no longer behave as teenagers if their dad takes on a new relationship. To me, it seems tough to be expecting better behaviour than usual from a child who is frightened of losing his or her parent to someone she sees as a rival.

I do agree about the slagging off of the ds though- that is bad bahaviour and she needs to be told off about that. But how anyone can resent an 11yo wanting to sit on her dad's lap while watching tv I really cannot fathom. Lots of perfectly normal well behaved 11yos need to have their babyish moments because there is so much pressure on them to be grown up. I would not stay with anyone who showed jealousy or resentment of that.

[CrushWithEyeliner]

Did your DH step in and say anything when she was slagging off your DS?

The attention seeing is normal and WILL Pass but she should not be allowed to get away with talking like that. That is plain rude.

[LadyInPurple]

Thanks, I will have a look at the step parenting forum. I'm not looking for symathy as such, just a bit of understanding because I feel like I just can't cope with her.

Her dad did nothing when she was slagging off DS, just laughed. I said it was important for everyone to believe in themselves ... like she believes she will become a nurse, he believes he will run his own business and people should be encouraged to achieve their goals.

I don't whinge about her sitting on her dads knee. It's just that we get no time together.

This is an average monday for instance ...

She gets in from school around 4pm. She sits and talks to her dad, I talk to DS, help with homework etc ... we have tea and then at 5.30pm I go out with DS. We get back at 8.30pm ... she has been in with her dad in the meantime. DS sorts his stuff for school for morning and then gets in bed, I hover around making sure he's doing everything and then go and say goodnight etc ... I then get a shower. It's now gone 9.15pm. She goes to bed ... me and DP finally sit down to watch a movie and she comes back downstairs, sits on his knee (making sure she seperates us), complains of head/stomach ache, says she's too tired, too thirsty, too hungry ... this goes on until gone 10.30pm ... I go to bed at 11pm. Yet if DS gets up at all once he's gone to bed he gets into trouble. She gets away with it.

I took her shopping, it was meant to be a girly day out buying new clothes. They had been given £50 each for new clothes and the idea was that I would take her saturday and DS sunday. She then said to her dad (in front of me and DS) "I think I should get more money than him really ... for a number of reasons. 1. I'm older. 2. No matter what he wears he always looks a mess anyway so there's no point. 3. He already has more clothes than me and 4. he dresses like a tramp so all the clothes he chooses will be horrible and a waste of money.

DP just laughed and said "thats not very nice"

[controlfreakythecontrolfreak]

well instead of talking to us sounds like you should be talking with your dp? you dont sound like you have thought through how you are going to make a family life that meets everyone's needs / talked about parenting beliefs etc. you need some improved communication all round.

[fourkids]

Hi LadyInPurple,

I would also advise popping over to step-parenting

but also, fwiw, her behaviour might be normal behaviour - for DCs who have been brought up, and are allowed, to behave like that, but not all 11 year old's behave that way - none of my DCs behave like that...and if they did they'd get very short thrift indeed!

That said, i think you do need to cut her some slack. obviously she has been brought up in a way that is different to the way you have brought up DS - and eventually you will probably (ime) all meet somewhere in the middle, particularly regarding attention seeking. I dare say you will train her to start looking after herself a bit more, and you need to speak to DP about telling her off when she is actually downright, unacceptably mean.