Terrible arguments with parents/sister

[SweetieBaby]

Am having terrible arguments with my parents and my sister and don't know what to do next. My sister and her husband are both very selfish people and do whatever they want without any thought for other people which is fine so long as it doesn't impact on my life. They make plans with us, only to cancel at the last minute because something better has come up, they phone up with "domestic emergencies" and expect us to come running to fix the problem or to lokk afetr their children, the list goes on. We have tried to talk to them about ti but this always ends up in arguments. her husband is not very nice and is often rude on the phone, refusing to let her speak to me etc. Recently I have decided enough is enough and have taken to refuse politely but firmly when they phone with unreasonable requests and have started to refuse to make plans with them so that they don't have the opportunity to cancel. Problem is my parents are now taking sides. They don't like the fact that the family is no longer "close" (that's a laugh) and although they acknowledge that we are treated badly think that my husband and I should just put up and shut up for the sake of family harmony. I think secretly they are afraid that if they say anyhting to my sister and he husband he will become abusive to them/ her too. I know in the past he has threatened to move away, preventing them form keeping in touch with her and her children. How do I make peace with what is going on? I'm not the type of person who can keep quiet despite trying so hard I eventually blow my top. I don't want to fall out with parents but feel that for my own sanity I have to distance myself form all of them. Problem is, this isn't good enough for my parents who want us all to play happy families.

[cestlavielife]

you cannot change their behaviour - you can only change yours.

which is what you are doing. well done.

stick to your ground rules and boundaries.

the husband sounds like a bully.

let you sister know you are there for her if and when...

you cant do much about your parents other than lay own ground rules and stick to them . if they have a problem, tough...

[sachertorte]

Sympathies..

Am sure good advice will come along in a mo, but just a few thoughts..

What kind of plans do you make with your sister? If she often cancels, can you arrange to meet somewhere you would be happy to go anyway? My sister is like this, so for example, instead of making an effort when she comes round for dinner, she gets whatever we were having anyway and something that won´t spoil. I´ve spent a fortune and went to great efforts too many times only for her not to turn up. So I won´t apologize for beans on toast, not harsh in the circumstances.

How do you respond to unreasonable requests? Do you explain why you can not help? Rationally, calmly? Do you really spell it out to them? I think this is the only way. Make it absolutely clear why you can not help on that occassion but suggest another path?

You are not responsible for your bro-in-law´s possible future behaviour. Have you asked your sister about him? Seems worrying.

HTH a bit.

[SweetieBaby]

Thanks for both of the above.

Have made loads of plans for all different things. Last one she asked me if we could share a taxi home together after our respective work Christmas dos (coincidentally they were in the same place). Agreed as we both live fairly close to each other, arranged a time to meet, which meant me leaving early but didn't mind that too much. Left my party and was standing in the car park when she sent me a text to say that she was having a good time and would be staying later. turned out several of her friends asked to share a cab and with me too there were too many people for one cab. I was annoyed because I never would have done this to her, would have worried that she didn't have enoug money to get cab on her own etc quite apart from the fact that I left early to accommodate her, but that is just typical of her. She does what suits her at the time regardless of what anyone else may or may not have arranged.

When she asked me later to agree to a similar arrangement I said no because of what happened last time but this caused an argument because I was "dragging things up that had happened in the past".

My sister has been very unhappy with her husband in the past, telling me that if she stands up to him he refuses to talk to her for days at a time. His father also used to insult my sister in front of her husband and he would not say anyhting. Several times she told me that her father in law would make pig noises while she ate! I felt very sorry for her and that's why I put myself out so much for her and the children in the past but now I think enough is enough. She is starting to treat people in the same way as her husband and while she may be happy to be a door mat I am not.

I don't get why my parents can't see what is going on and at least acknowledge my position rather than blaming me for commenting on the elephant in the room!

It's my 40th birthday at Christmas and I had a party planned which I have now cancelled because I can't face inviting my sister and her husband, nor can I face having the party and not inviting them.

[sachertorte]

Only got a second.. I think what you (we) have to remember is not to go to any inconvenience for our sisters. My ine would also pull that taxi trick. Did you leave early on her behalf? If it´s not convenient, don´t do it, then you won´t be let down. Re my sister, she seems quite big on manipulating me to get me to do what she wants. She doesn´t even have to want it, it´s just making a point of controlling me. Is your sister like this?

[screamingabdab]

I really really sympathise. Many parents are a bit like this - wanting to put themselves in the middle of the relationship between siblings as they might have done when you were kids.

Your honesty clearly makes them uncomfortable, but it isn't your fault! I would just do as cestlavielife says, and then not be drawn into any conversations about your sister with your parents.

You are an adult and should be allowed to conduct your relationship with your sister as you decide.

So sorry about your birthday - will you do something else with your friends instead?

[SweetieBaby]

Absolutely. She's younger than me and has always been seen as the baby of the family and so is used to people bending over backwards for her. Always pulls the "damsel in distress" act so that we feel that we have to help her when she is perfectly capable of doing most of it for herself.

Her husband works away alot and it's usually then that she wants the help/ support. In any other circumstance I wouldn't object to helping but as soon as he reappears the selfishness comes back, even when he isn't around.

Thanks for listening.

[SweetieBaby]

Thanks screamingabdab. I don't know about my birthday. I guess I will but it feels wrong. Despite everything she is still my family and I feel guilty about not having them with me, but I know that is my problem and I have to figure a way to deal with it I guess.

Will probably do something low key nearer the time.

[screamingabdab]

Just read what sachertorte wrote, as we x-posted.

Maybe one way to look at your relationship with your sister is to try and consider her requests as if it was a friend asking you, and not family - how far would you put yourself out? would you be prepared to be guilt-tripped?

This might help you to redraw the boundaries.

[sachertorte]

And do you ask your sister for help with anything? I never do, as I know mine is completely unreliable. But as you live so near to your sister, can you pin her down to help with something, with a view to developing a more equal relationship? Chances are she will let you down (sadly) but it will help arm you with ammunition when she complains that you never help HER. This seems so petty as I write it, but it IS all petty isn´t it, ime anyway.. Does your sister cast herself as the victim? Mine will complain to our mother that I never contact her but tell me what a shame it is that she has to have contact with ME to be able to se her nieces (whom she has actually never taken more than a cursory interest in and barely even seen)

She´s also sabatoged in one way or another all of my important life event "parties", I hope you have a plan to celebrate YOUR birthday!

Anyway just some thoughts, maybe we will both get some clarity on this sister thing! ; )

[SweetieBaby]

Sounds like we are talking about the same person! It does sound really petty when you write it down which is why I have left out most of the other stuff that she has done too, but whne you are caught in the midst of it it feels terrible doesn't it?

I do ask her for help and it would be very unfair to say that she hasn't helped me in the past but I tend to get on with things and manage as best I can, so when I ask for help I really need it. If it is convenient for them to help they will, if not they refuse which I guess is fair enough. trouble is, when they need help I will put off my own plans to help out. I know that I shouldn't but then I not only feel guilty but get moaned at by my parents for not helping. Just can't win can I?

I think I need to get some perspective, in the overall scheme of things the whole ting is just a pointless waste of energy but part of me is afraid that one day they won't be there and then I will regret being estranged form them. Just last week my sister phoned me to tell me that my dad was very ill and that had I been in touch with them I would have know that. I felt terrible so I phoned my parents to find out what was wrong only to be told that everything was fine. When I confronted my sister she told me that she had made it up so that I would realise how I would feel if and when it happens for real . How do you deal with mind games like this? I know I should just concentrate on my own family but I feel the only way to do that is to turn my back totally on my parents and sister and I know I am not able to do that.

[sachertorte]

Hi Sweetie,

Why do you put your own needs last? Why should you feel guilty for not being able to help out your sister because you have other commitments? And why on earth should your parents make you feel guilty for that? You are not responsible for your sister´s life or problems or happiness. She is!

I´m afraid in the interests of your sanity you would be perfectly justified in distancing yourself from your sister, that´s not cutting her off entirely, just putting more space between you. Why do you say you´re worried about being estranged from "them" (your parents?) Do you think any relationship with them is dependent on you having a good relationship with your sister? Why?

Can hardly believe your sister told you your Dad was ill. Did you tell your parents this is what you had been told? Why not?

[SweetieBaby]

Hi Sachertorte,

sorry for not replying sooner. have been at work and not had chance to check back until today.

Thank you for your support. The reason why I feel guilty is because my parents want the family to get on at any cost. As they see it, the most important thing is that we are all getting along, if one person isn't happy tough. They should put their feelings to one side and just put up and shut up basically.

I have told them what she said about my dad being ill and they have just glossed over it. For a long time now it has puzzled me why they seem intent on keeping her happy at all costs and it is really only now, seeing the problem in black and white, that I am starting to realise how ridiculous it is.

My worry is that I am being forced to choose between either towing the line and pretending that all is ok, which means I will maintain contact with my parents but be very unhappy myself or stand up to them all, refuse to take any more from them and then have to completely distance myself from them all. I don't want to do this and I wish they could see there is a compromise to be had but I fear that will never happen.

[ssd]

I#m drawn to this thread as I have issues with my sister, alsthough she is too self centred to even care or realise

unlike the op I'm the youngest in the family, but I'm the one left to take care of my mum, my sister has no interest other than maybe visiting for 2 or 3 days a year

I've got young kids, but my sister has never taken them out in their pram/taken them to the park/babysat/shown any interest, although I did a lot with my nieces when they were young

I sent her and her dh birthday cards for years and anniversary cards for over 20 years, now My dh never gets a card and I've had anniversary cards about 2 out of 15 years

yet if I don't send them cards she complains to my mum who is a bit too old to care/do anything about

as with the op and Sachertorte, I could go on and on but it seems trivial here, however over the years it builds up I feel very bitter towards my sister now, TBH sometimes I wish she wasn't here so I wouldn't need to be bothered/hurt/angry/dissappointed with her I know that sounds harsh but a lot of the time I feel I could do with a big sister then I remember I have one but she's crap

[2rebecca]

Wow, I don't send my siblings anniversary cards, I see that as a celebration for the couple. I'm doing well to remember my own wedding anniversary let alone anyone elses.

It sounds as though some of you need to move away from your siblings and parents so you aren't so enmeshed. There is no such thing as an ideal sister, you just have to accept the one you have, see her if you like her, don't if you don't. There are plenty of other people in the world to have as friends if you don't like your family much.

If you don't like your relatives then see less of them, why make such a big deal of it?

Mine all live several hours drive away so I do find all this pretending to be best friends with siblings you don't like stuff odd.

[ssd]

rebecca, you aren't in a similiar situation so maybe my post sounds petty, but to others who feel as I do they would know its just the tip of the iceberg

as always on MN, you are assuming too much without having a clue of the facts