What do I do about my niece and DS#1?

[OrmIrian]

OK, can you help me with this little family issue please. My DB is coming to stay with my parents this weekend. We don,t see him that often so the plan is to spend most of the weekend with them. My DB is a lovely man (though I say it myself) and SIL is pretty OK too. They have a 13yr old son and a 9 yr old daughter. DD and my niece get on very well. DS#2 just mucks in with everyone and gets indulged . DS#1 gets on OK with my nephew although they are very different types. Problem is that niece is basically a little pampered, usually at the expense of my nephew (it's blatantly obvious to any outside observer and I know it's not just my parents and I that have noticed it). Nephew is a good sort, a bit socially and physically awkward but a very affectionate and intelligent child, though his mum and dad are always criticising him in comparison with his younger sister. Niece is always getting him into trouble, telling on him for silly little things, and no-one ever seems to call her on it. I don't even begin to understand why. It's hurtful to see.

However I don't see it's my business to say anything to them, I just spend a lot of time telling him (and them) how clever I think he is, how good he is with my youngest, how sensible etc. Because he is. But the other problem is that when they are here, niece turns her attention to my eldest son . He is always getting into trouble when he has done nothing to her. At the end of the visit both he and I are both feeling a bit emotionally bruised . He gets seriously fed up and I can see him refusing to come and see them when they are here.

Do I force him to come? Do I say something to DB? Do I just tell him to grin and bear it. As we only see them perhaps twice a year is it worth causing a rift?

[Alambil]

How does she get him into trouble? Do you say something like "Now, don't tell lies, DN - you know that's not true" and stick up for him?

How old is he? I'd let him not come and if there's any comment, say "well there wasn't much point - he only gets told off" or something

[OrmIrian]

She come up to my DB and says 'DS#1 did this' and it's nothing usually. He laughed when she fell over, or didn't let her do something, or ate more biscuits than she did. The normal rough and tumble stuff that my DC take for granted. And instead of saying 'never mind, don't be so daft' DB comforts her and lets he sit on his knee for a bit, and then DB goes and has a word with DS#1. Not nasty or cross but there is no need. DS ends up feeling as if he can't do anything and as if he's some kind of monster.

I would do that lewis but it would be taken very badly. DB and SIl can't see it at all.

[2rebecca]

If they are staying at your house and she is your neice then why don't you pick her up on it or if her parents heard the comment say something to them? If I went to stay with my brother and he thought one of my kids was being unreasonable I'd expect him to say something to my kid if I wasn't around, or say something to me if I was. This isn't some stranger, it's your neice. I think the pussyfooting around is making it a bigger issue than it should be.
It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your brother and SIL so just don't let the neice get away with it.

[2rebecca]

niece!

[OrmIrian]

You may be right. We aren't a good family for thrashing things out TBH.

it isn't at my house, it's my parent's house.

[Alambil]

ah, that kind of getting at kids does my head in - it's SO uncalled for.... how on earth does she cope on the playground?!

[OrmIrian]

I can't imagine

DS#1 were chatting when he was getting into bed last night and I reminded him that they were coming to visit. He made a face and said 'I like W, but I don't like A. She is horrible to W and when she's here she transfers that to me'. And he is 100% right!

[gagamama]

I think this is pretty common, I can think of a few families where one child is clearly favoured (intentionally or otherwise) over the other child and it's painfully obvious to everyone except the parents themselves. I think it would be impossible to change the family dynamic now, as I'm sure after 9 years this behaviour is pretty entrenched.

If your DD and neice get on well (and I assume are both older) could you not send them off somewhere or keep them away from your nephew and DS? Maybe that would give both families time to spoil the boys a bit without the neice's interference. Maybe you could casually discuss nephew's recent acheivements and good qualities with DB and SIL. (Although I guess the point of the visit is for you all to spend time together, so I understand that might not be appropriate..)

Anyway, bit of a ramble, but essentially I'd make use of the fact that DD and niece get on well and try and keep them out the way (in the nicest possible sense!)

[IheartEASTEREGGS]

How old is your Ds1 and the niece?
Is DS old enough to go along with something like...
he says to you in middle of family gathering 'Neice just laughed at me!' and you tell him in front of everyone 'now you know we dont tell tales over silly little things, thats just part of playing isnt it?'
and then when niece comes running in telling tales you will be able to say 'I've already told DS1 this, its only fair to tell you too, we dont tell tales over silly things, you are old enough to sort out little things between yourselves arent you?'
perhaps pre-empting her from doing it all day?

[OrmIrian]

That might work. If I told off DS to make the point.

We have just such a different parenting style. They are good parents in many ways - patient and dedicated, but they tend to micro-manage all aspects of their DC's lives. We don't. Ours cope better in all social circumstances and don't require hand-holding. But I do worry that to my nephew and niece, my three seem a bit too rough and ready iyswim.