Here's summary of what has happened over the last year or so... I have told absolutely NOBODY about this so this is quite difficult for me, but here goes...
We have always had a close relationship and i have always trusted DH fully and absolutely. When we married i was so happy that i had found someone who i believed would never ever stray as this was way outside his moral beliefs and values. He is a kind caring man and i just never believed he had it in him to cheat, especially since he has always worshiped the ground i walked on so to speak. Anyway, early last year i began to notice a marked change in his behaviour and became suspicious that he may be having an affair. So i started making note of secret conversations he was having on the phone and to cut a long story short, found out that he had been having a telephone relationship with another woman. Well i was devastated and confronted him about it and he denied there was anything in it except that he was flattered that this attractive (also married) young woman would be interersted in him and admitted that he was attracted to her but that nothing had happened and it was mainly a phone thing because he found it easy to talk to her. This shattered me even further to think that he found it easier to talk to her than to me, his own wife. At that time we had a young baby and a toddler and i knew i had been neglecting him emotionally while caring for our kids - it is so easy for the children to take over and before you know it you haven't been intimate in a month. So i accepted my share of responsibility. Anyway, things were ok for a few more months but i was still noticing some strange behaviour around phone use. Anyway, then i busted him after he went on a short trip with her and my world fell apart. I was on the verge of leaving him but we worked through it and i decided to stay and give our marriage a chance to heal for both myself, DH and of course our 2 beautiful children. DH promised me that they did not have sex, but that he wanted to although he wasn't sure whether he would have actually gone through with it once in the situation. Apparently she was also struggling with it since she also still loves her husband and so for those reasons on both sides, they never consumated the 'friendship'. Even if i convince myself that nothing 'actually' happened, the fact that he wanted it to hurt me more deeply than i can even explain. He has always been my world, the love of my life. Then late last year i found out that they were still in contact via sms and all hell broke loose again. I was ready to leave if for nothing else than to give him a taste of what a broken home would be like. He swears that the only reason he has remained in contact with this woman was to try to keep her calm so that she wouldn't lose it and tell her husband out of guilt which would only complicate things further. Anyway, he promised that he would not talk to her or sms her again and that if she called, he would not answer her calls and he would tell me about it. Anyway, 2 weeks ago i randomly listened to his voicemail and she had left him a message on there. There was nothing untoward about the message, it was very short and basically just said that someone had called and she wondered if it was him as it came from a private number. My trouble is that he didn't tell me about the message as he had promised and i was already having so much trouble trying to trust him again. He said he just didn't want to open a can or worms again and that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to bring the whole thing back up again for no reason. He said he did not return the call and that the fact that she left a message should reassure me because he does not answer her calls. Any thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar situation?

eek, i will hapily read if you put into paragraphs, that text is making my dizzy just looking at it

<eyes still spinning>

and i will hapily happily spell correctly too

sorry, about that, take two....
Here's summary of what has happened over the last year or so... I have told absolutely NOBODY about this so this is quite difficult for me, but here goes...

We have always had a close relationship and i have always trusted DH fully and absolutely. When we married i was so happy that i had found someone who i believed would never ever stray as this was way outside his moral beliefs and values. He is a kind caring man and i just never believed he had it in him to cheat, especially since he has always worshiped the ground i walked on so to speak.

Anyway, early last year i began to notice a marked change in his behaviour and became suspicious that he may be having an affair. So i started making note of secret conversations he was having on the phone and to cut a long story short, found out that he had been having a telephone relationship with another woman. Well i was devastated and confronted him about it and he denied there was anything in it except that he was flattered that this attractive (also married) young woman would be interersted in him and admitted that he was attracted to her but that nothing had happened and it was mainly a phone thing because he found it easy to talk to her. This shattered me even further to think that he found it easier to talk to her than to me, his own wife. At that time we had a young baby and a toddler and i knew i had been neglecting him emotionally while caring for our kids - it is so easy for the children to take over and before you know it you haven't been intimate in a month. So i accepted my share of responsibility.

Things were ok for a few more months but i was still noticing some strange behaviour around phone use.

Then i busted him after he went on a short trip with her and my world fell apart. I was on the verge of leaving him but we worked through it and i decided to stay and give our marriage a chance to heal for both myself, DH and of course our 2 beautiful children. DH promised me that they did not have sex, but that he wanted to although he wasn't sure whether he would have actually gone through with it once in the situation. Apparently she was also struggling with it since she also still loves her husband and so for those reasons on both sides, they never consumated the 'friendship'. Even if i convince myself that nothing 'actually' happened, the fact that he wanted it to hurt me more deeply than i can even explain. He has always been my world, the love of my life.

Then late last year i found out that they were still in contact via sms and all hell broke loose again. I was ready to leave if for nothing else than to give him a taste of what a broken home would be like. He swears that the only reason he has remained in contact with this woman was to try to keep her calm so that she wouldn't lose it and tell her husband out of guilt which would only complicate things further. Anyway, he promised that he would not talk to her or sms her again and that if she called, he would not answer her calls and he would tell me about it. Anyway, 2 weeks ago i randomly listened to his voicemail and she had left him a message on there. There was nothing untoward about the message, it was very short and basically just said that someone had called and she wondered if it was him as it came from a private number. My trouble is that he didn't tell me about the message as he had promised and i was already having so much trouble trying to trust him again. He said he just didn't want to open a can or worms again and that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to bring the whole thing back up again for no reason. He said he did not return the call and that the fact that she left a message should reassure me because he does not answer her calls.

Any thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar situation?

I don't know if it is just my suspicious mind, because i have been cheated on a few times, but if she is leaving messages then he has obviously not stopped speaking to her imo, otherwise why would she be calling him???

I am sorry you are in this situation, maybe you need to have counselling as a couple?

I don't have much advice, i was never able to prove i was being cheated on until after the relationship was over so i can't help with that.

I would say that you would benefit from some time apart, so he can see what he will miss, and see that the grass is not greener.

[hugs] to you

Yes, that was what i was affraid of. I told him that he is obviously not giving her the message that she is not to call. but he says he can't say it directly as she will be suspicious that i know something and then there is a risk of her husband finding out as then she may want to get in and tell him first and then he may be bashing down our door and bringing more problems here. That is my Dhs reason for trying to end the contact more subtly than to tell her to FO! My heart believes him, but it has been so broken to pieces by this that i just don't know what to believe anymore.

oh dear, poor you. This sounds a complete nightmare situation.

I agreee with msspent that you probably could do with some time apart. He needs a reality check. How many times are you going to give him the benefit of doubt and carry on. It sounds like he can have his cake and eat it all the while you are willing to give it another go.

I am sure that when he has time to reflect on what he is about to lose, maybe for another woman (does she have kids?) (even beter if she has as he would be taking on hers which would seriously piss him off in the long run, as he is not with his own), he will be scurrying back tail between his legs and then you can begin to rebuild the solid marriage you originally had. Hope things work out.

Thank you so much for your support. I have been living this nightmare for almost a year and i can't even put in to words the level of my heartbreak. Until now i have had nobody to talk to about this as i don't believe in talking to people outside my marriage about problems within it, but having said that, i really needed to let it out and these boards may just be the perfect place to do that as i can come here and talk to real people without anyone knowing who we are. Thanks again, your support is appreciated more than you know.

I'm sorry to hear you are so sad. The fact he sounds such a nice man makes him a magnet for other women. I suggest you call this woman yourself and meet her if you can. Then discuss not seeing your husband. If you think this is impossible, be brave and do it. My sis in law had the same thing happen to her, my brother was hooked on this woman at work. She plucked up the courage to meet her and since then bro has changed jobs and back together w my sister in law.

So let's get this straight...

He's persistently flirted with someone at work who is also married

He's been on a works do with her but didn't do anything physical

He's been texting her

She left a voicemail for him

It sounds like a fullblown crush/emotional not physical thing. However IME most of these sort of things just die a natural death - and sometime down the line he'll be embarrassed to even bump into each her at work.

Sounds more like a fantasy relationship than a real one.

TBh the strong reaction you have had to him NOT having an fullblown affair makes me believe the bit about not telling you because he didn't want to open a can of worms and start it all again!

Head off and find some relationship counselling (Relate?) even if you don't both go just for you would be good.

If you are prepared to end your marriage over an emotional affair and be desperately hurt that he wanted to sleep with someone else (IMO married men want to sleep with lots of other people - and so do married women - they just don't do it! And he didn't.) then counselling may help you investigate where the stength of these feelings comes from.

The bottom line is that every time he has chosen you - even when the option to stray came along. That is much more committment than many men can ever offer their partners.

I do hope you both get to sort this out and the trust returns - eventually.