Why is my H being so sodding selfish

[MrsJenM]

Hi, I'm really angry with my H (certainly not DH right now!). We had our DS a month ago having had DD 3 yrs ago.

He was fantastic when we first had DD and really helped out all the time, but since DS was born (who he cried over when I gave birth) he has been so sodding self centred I am v p*ed off!

Since having DS I have had to ask for help and get him to take DS rather than him volunteering (like he did with DD). I'm doing everything and when I asked for help 2 nights in a row (having been up for DD in the night as well and feeling really tired), he lost his temper with DS (who is 1 month old) and I had to take him back. H then stormed out and slept on sofa (this was at 4am this morning).

I am barely speaking to him now and feel v let down (and v upset on and off). Also feeling v angry

[RaspberryBlower]

How are you feeling today MrsJ?

You're obviously under a lot of stress and need to feel you have his support.

I think you need to sit down together and talk about this and tell him (calmly) how you're feeling. But try to do it in a way that asks for his help, and doesn't make him feel you're accusing him as you'll hopefully get a better response that way. Don't do it when you're angry.

You may feel you shouldn't have to ask for help, but I think you need to tell him what you need from him as men can be a bit obtuse and they often need clear instructions!

Why do you think it's different this time?

[echt]

Is this one of those posts where we find out he's worried about work/ been made redundant/ works double night shifts?

More info would help as right now he sounds like an arse.
Losing it with a one-month old sounds shite; is the DS breastfed? If so,then why hand him over; if not then a bit of a problem. More info needed.

[Pheebe]

I agree with echt, it sounds like there's much more going on here than meets the eye.

Is your DH taking responsibility for DD while you get on with recovering and looking after ds? If so, I would say he's not being unreasonable. Did he have to go to out to work this morning? Again, of so I'd say its probably udnerstandable he felt pissd off, its not possible to be tactful and rational at 4am.

I think you need to stop sulking and sit down with DH and figure out how you can support each other through these early weeks.

[Chellesgirl]

Yes I agree with Pheebe. Sit down with him later and talk to him. They cant read minds and nor can you.

Theres no point in feeling angry all day and then not work it out. It will carry on and divide you both. Something you dont want.

Ive learnt from this experience with DD. You cant just ignore signs of depression/anger etc.. He seems angry/upset about something?

How are you feeling after the birth of DS? Are you happy. Do you and H talk about the birth at all?

Men need to be told straight. No beating around the bush. They dont understand complicated talk. You have to giv it to him like it is. They handle it better that way.

And once you have told him how your feeling and he tells you then you can find a way of working through it. If he ownt listen. Give him time but theres most definate something else going on in this circumstance. Then maybe you both need to speak to someone else other than each other about it.

[MrsJenM]

Hi everyone... well, turns out he's worried about work and all the things he thinks needs to be done around the house and was feeling stressed.

I found all this out once I had calmed down (and cleaned the bathroom to within an inch of its life.. silver linings and all that) and talked to him this morning. He apologised for shouting at DS, and as it was so out of character, I don't think it'll happen again.

We had a good chat, I said that I needed more support, the house stuff didn't matter (we have to replace the fence and a few things like that, but it can all wait) and he needed to spend more time with DS.

I was missing the signs of his stress being a bit distracted myself. He's calmed down hugely now, has really tried hard today with DS (spending loads more time with him) and I feel much calmer.

Maybe we needed the argument and standoff to clear the air. You are right, men do need things set out clearly for them.. I just wish, when you are really up against it (night feeds etc) that they could think for themselves a bit more...

Thank you all for your comments - really helpful (and lovely to know that you care)

[Chellesgirl]

Well I am happy that you have managed to get to the bottom of things. And the thinking for themselves, haha. Well maybe in a million lightyears. Keep yor head up and keep communicating! Lifes for living! (not for cleaning the house) Spend some quality time together. You both deserve it.

Take care x