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[cheerfulvicky]

I've cross posted this in the Lone parents section, but I thought I'd ask here too!
I'm a newly singly parent, I recently split up with my partner and our DS is 6 months old. DP has been living with us both and involved from the start but never did any nights, and has been working part time since the birth so sees a fair bit of DS. I am a SAHM.

This is our first baby, and we are having trouble working out what kind of access arrangements will work best for DS when I move out in a few weeks. I'm going to be living about 30 miles away, XP drives, I don't but the train is cheaper than driving anyway. It was my choice to move towns (I have friends there and lived there when I was younger) so I'm trying to be proactive about making sure XP sees his son often without the distance being an issue. I.e, I won't just expect XP to collect DS each time, I will bring him over too.

What's normal to expect for a 6 month old in this situation? He loves his Dad but has a very strong bond with me too, and sleeps in with me next to my bed. Not BFing but I'm still feeling uneasy about the thought of him staying with XP overnight at this stage. Am I being daft or should we wait a bit? Is one night a week and a few days reasonable at this stage, perhaps increasing to 2 nights and 3 days by the time he is 12 or 18 months? I don't think XP is planning to sleep in the same room as the baby, he is a very deep sleeper for the first part of the night and then suffers from insomnia from 4am. I guess I'm scared he won't hear DS on the monitor if he cries.

XP works one week on, one week off. He wants to have DS for the whole week, and then when he is working I will have him the other week. This idea makes me really worried and sad, I don't want to do it but XP says its best for DS. I'm not sure as I have read on here that with babies and toddlers, little and often is best. I do consider myself his main carer although I know XP would happily have him all the time, but I need my baby with me too Thoughts anyone?
We will have to go to mediation if we can't agree.

[cheerfulvicky]

Oh and, whoops sorry no title

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

Your XP is talking crap. The general advice is no overnights until the child is at least a year old. Little and often is best with a baby this young, and for him to be away from you for a whole week at a time would actually be quite traumatic for him.
Your XP is the adult, he has to put his needs second. He will no doubt say that you should not, in fact, leave him on account of DS needing both parents and other such crap but (ISTR) you are leaving because your XP was abusive, aren;t you? He should have thought of that first and treated yo uwith more respect if keeping the family together was important to him. Bear in mind that it is a common trick of abusive men to threaten to sue for full custody or tell you that they will label you an unfit mother etc, and it's all bullshit. Because all the courts, DV units etc, will have heard all this before.
Have a chat with either the DV unit or Women's Aid about mediation and access.

[cheerfulvicky]

The thing is solidgold, he didn't want me to post the question on here under my username because he thinks that you will all be biased against him. He completely rejects any suggestion that he is abusive, says that I am crazy/overreacting etc etc. He thinks that I have twisted things seen things that aren't there and only portrayed one side of the story, and that if he were to come on here and put his side, there is a chance that you might all say "Oh well in that case, we disagree with YOU CV, you shouldn't have left him. It's not so bad as all that, silly girl". I'm fine with him coming on here and posting if he feels the need but he hasn't so far.

He has also said he IS putting DS's interests first, and also that experts will always say a 2 parent family is better than a single parent family. He will be horrible to me for a few days and then mope around crying because he is so sad I am going and taking DS. He says the days he is horrible and rude are 'just the hurt talking'.

I'm not agreeing with any of the above, just putting across how impossible it can be to arrange anything sensible with someone who thinks you are an overreacting crybaby. It's very hard.

Because he will ask me if I tell him, WHY are overnights not recommended until the age of 1? This was my instinct anyway, but I can't back it up with the facts that he demands.
Thanks for responding.
x

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

CV, hopefully someone will come along soon with proper facts and figures about that (I am afraid I have heard it's so, and feel instinctively that it's so but have no actual proof to link to. However, someone else will have).
Do contact Women's AId. Your partner is abusive (controlling and fond of emotional blackmail) they will not tell you to go away becasue they only advice women who are having the shit kicked out of them.
The thing to keep saying to your twat of aSTNXH is 'if you had DS interests at heart you would treat me with respect and consideration', then walk away. He;s had his chance and blown it.
Also, you need to ask Women's Aid about handling mediation when one partner is abusive (remember how useless couple-counselling is with manipulative abusers).

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

By the way you are doing really well in no longer falling for the bullshit that no one will believe you, that you are unreasonable for not obeying him and worshipping him, that 'proper' mothers submit to to their husbands and you must be mad for not loving him and allowing him his own way all the time.
Not only is this bullshit, it's profoundly unoriginal bullshit. All controlling abusers (as distinct from the straightforwardly violent, or the drug-addled ones) come out with the same stuff about it being all your fault.

[cheerfulvicky]

Thanks solidgold

Anyone else?

[motherlovebone]

me!

i didnt leave DD for the eve til she was a year.

when me and her dad split he started by having her for the day.
she was 3.

[cheerfulvicky]

Blimey, okay. Maybe I need to rethink. I want to be fair but also... I can't go against my gut instinct

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

Remember: being fair to DS is more important than being fair to your abusive XP. You would be unfair to forbid him any contact at all, obviously, but that doesn't mean he gets his own way at his child's expense.

[BitOfFun]

I think you need to see a family solicitor NOW. You are in danger of being railroaded here (perhaps partly out of guilt? Certainly probably out of wanting to appease him and get him out of your hair) into a situation you may come to regret deeply which will be untenable. Your ex needs to realize that his proposals are frankly ludicrous for a small baby, and be made aware of the norms in this situation by someone who knows what they are talking about and won't be bullied by him: ideally your solicitor.

I speak from some experience here, as my ex bullied me so badly I was scared to antagonize him further by getting any legal advice. Needless to say I don't get a penny in maintenance, and he effectively has a free car which I am supposed to be the main driver of while I have no transport. I was so delighted to get out I thought I didn't care at the time, but trust me, when you are struggling on the train with a buggy and worrying yourself sick that ds isn't being seen to at night and left too long in dirty nappies etc, you will wish you'd got proper advice!

Take care pet, you're doing great

[cheerfulvicky]

BoF, thanks. Do you think they do free initial consultations? I have literally no money spare as I am having to spend all my savings on moving out and getting basic stuff for new place. I wonder if I don't go to a solicitor is there anywhere else 'official' I can get information on what is normal access arrangements for a baby of DS's age, information that XP will trust and grudgingly accept because he respects the source? I can't think of what to do.

[BitOfFun]

Womens Aid would be really helpful, and they have their own solicitors ...many do a free half hour though if you call and check. When you have moved out you might qualify for legal aid if you are on a low income if you need more advice?

[cheerfulvicky]

Okay, thanks! I will look into it...
x

[cheerfulvicky]

bump?

[dustbuster]

Hi cheerfulvicky - sorry to hear this is so difficult.

I'm also in the process of splitting up from my XP, and discussing access arrangements has been the most painful thing for me. Luckily we have been able to resolve it fairly amicably, but it took a lot of discussion, tears on my part, and various proposals until we found something I was comfortable with.

I completely agree that one week on/one week off is totally inappropriate for a child of this age. I also understand that mediation/family courts are keen to set up arrangements which can continue as the child gets to school age. Obviously one week on/one week off will not be do-able when your DS is at school, so all the more reason not to start doing it now.

I think it is an excellent idea to go (together?) to an impartial source of information on normal access arrangements. Your XP probably needs to hear this from somebody neutral.

I very much agree with the advice you have had on the Lone Parents board that it is good to have set access arrangements and stick to them as far as possible. Too much flexibility seems to be a recipe for disaster and resentment.

You may also find that your XP's demands for 50% access are a bit of a pose, intended to bully and scare you. It may well be the case that he will be happy with one day (and eventually one night) a week.

Good luck!