anyone else feel really distant from DH's life?

[surprisenumber3]

DH moved to another town to be with me. He still commutes every day to work where he used to live, his family are there, his DS1 is there, all his friends etc etc. They all know each other, everyone knows everyone, ie all his work friends know his family, XP, his colleagues wives all know each other. And I don't know any of them - apart from his family of course!

He never takes me on any work outings as he doesn't really bother going himself as it's so far to come home and get ready and then go again.

Been like this for 6 years now and it didn't really bother me til I got looking on facebook for someone and realised just how everyone does know everyone - evil facebook

Anyone else feel like this?

[HappyWoman]

I have done and i really dont think it is healthy.

I would hate for my h not to be involved in my life and so have made a point of knowing about his.

[surprisenumber3]

I don't see a way around it HW. I can't see a way of 'involving' myself.

[Dropdeadfred]

Could you not move a little closer to his home town?

[surprisenumber3]

I can't, DS's are really settled at school, he doesn't want to move there anyway, and my family are here who help with childcare.

[Dropdeadfred]

what distance is it away?
could you meet him for lunch/coffee after work?

[surprisenumber3]

it's 30 miles. I could meet him for lunch, and I used to, but he was so rushed I was spending nearly 2 hours driving for 15-20 mins with him. Am heavily pg now so I can't really sit in car comfortably for too long.

After work is a problem as he finished after 5 and Ds's have hobbies to go to.

I just feel he has a whole other life without me that I can't do anything about

[Dropdeadfred]

Well to be honest , he does! But then if you are the one collecting the children from school and taking them to their hobbies you probably have a life that he is not part of too!!
As he moved to your town he was obvioulsy willing to lose some of his social life to be with you...do you have friends there?

[surprisenumber3]

oh yeah I have lots of friends here. But realising it must have been difficult for him moving to a new place, I arrange nights out with friends and their partners/children so DH can come too, so he knows a lot of people here now too. I also encourage him to take DS's to parties etc so he gets to know the other dads.

I would love to be part of his work social scene but when he doesn't either bother with it - how can I! He has other friends who live there who are couples and we used to go out with them but he doesn't bother with them anymore either. His parents/siblings won't travel over here, which is ridiculous really, and given that they go to their caravan most weekends/school holidays and work til 5.30 during the week, I ended up seeing them just twice the whole of last year. DH sees them every week though after work and takes his DS1.

When I'm having a bad day, I feel he must be ashamed of me or something! he didn't even tell his parents I was pregnant til I told them at 24 weeks!

[Dropdeadfred]

where does his ds1 live then? in his home town?

[surprisenumber3]

yes he does.
He stays with us at weekends though.

[Dropdeadfred]

do you not visit his family at weekends at all?

[surprisenumber3]

they're at the caravan most of the time. The rare occasion they're not, we called them and they were 'watching the telly in bed' so we couldn't go round - twas 5 pm . They are in their 50's BTW!

I insisted we went round at Christmas so DS's could see them but DH insisted I sat in my big coat so they couldn't tell I was pregnant. I wasn't having that so I removed the coat and announced I was six months pg!

[surprisenumber3]

you know what? If I was reading this I would imagine myself to ne something to be really ashamed of. I'm really not though (I don't think), I'm just a normal ordinary mum in my thirties!

That's for posting BTW DDF, just helps to talk on here rather than go in a mood with DH just cos of how I feel!

[Dropdeadfred]

No problem chatting to you suprisenumber3...must admit I'm a bit shocked that your dh would ask you to hide your pregnancy though...! Were they shocked/unapproving at all?

It does seemt that your dh has 'compartmentalised' his life a little, perhaps you both need to think of ways of mixing the two a little?

[SoMuchToBits]

Why on earth didn't your dh want them to know you were pregnant at 6 months?? I can understand it for the first 3 months or so, but 6 months?

[surprisenumber3]

I couldn't understand it either, still don't really.

We are both mid-thirties, already have a DS together, been married for 4 years, I think we are good parents - we have happy kids anyway!

He said he didn't tell them at first because they don't bother with the grandchildren they have but that then the longer he left it, the more embarrassed he became and it just got out of hand.

[Dropdeadfred]

were they suitably pleased with the announcement?

it sounds like they are quite young to be grandparents an perhaps think spending time with their family makes them feel olderthan they want to be???

[surprisenumber3]

yes they seemed very pleased, although a little shocked I was 6 months! They have been asking how I am, asking to see scan pics etc since.

They have 4 grandchildren in total, the eldest being 12, and she is the only one they really bother with. They do see DH's DS1 every week but that's only because DH takes him.

I have had my gripes with them before and kind of got over it now, with help from DH, but I really want mine and DH's lives to 'merge' - if that makes sense!!