What is love? In turmoil over my feelings for an ex.

[namechangerextrordinaire]

I have been on MN for a while but have namechanged for this post.

I am a (usually happily) married woman (what marriage doesn't have its ups and downs...?)

I still think a lot about my ex bf. Our relationship ended because of his dedication to his career and unwillingness to commit.

My subsequent marriage happened about a year later and was rather a 'whirlwind romance' - having met and got married within a year.

I kept in contact with my ex bf but when we spoke he seemed to be intimating that he wanted to see me again but not platonically. He was/is still single last time we spoke. I told him categorically that this was not on and I can't believe he thought I would ever entertain it.

I didn't contact him this Christmas as I don't want to 'encourage' this behaviour or mislead him. I felt mean but that I had to be cruel to be kind. But I really miss him, think about him a lot and wonder what he is doing and how he is. I think I really loved love him, although now in a non sexual way, and I would not be jealous if he had found a new partner, I just want him to be happy. I feel very guilty writing this as I know the hurt it would cause my dh. I love my dh but in a different way, we are less well balanced. I found my ex bf so attractive in all sorts of ways, we were so well matched - he was kind, funny and physically attractive to me, and I miss the intellectual stimulation, humour and 'spark' we had.

I could go on and on about whether I made the right decision in getting married, whether I have 'settled' etc, but what's done is done. I am 100% committed to my dh and ds and I know how hurt my dh would be about this. I cannot talk to him about it as he is very jealous and possessive. That said, I would never be unfaithful. DH has done nothing wrong, and I feel very selfish to be thinking about my ex when he was not prepared to commit and love me as dh has done.

But still, I feel a real loss for a dear friend and I can't even be friends with him now. I feel extremely sad, in tears, wondering what he is doing and how he is. I vowed never to contact him again though although I still have his contact details stored away somewhere.

I am so confused about my feelings and thought it would help to talk and share the situation here. Have I done the right thing?

Has anyone else experienced this mourning for a lost love? Will I ever be able to forget about him?

[sickofthisrain]

I know it's difficult but I'd leave well alone if you possibly can. If he'd been that perfect the first time round, you'd have found a way to make it work. This way, he'd get to see you without the looming fear of commitment - he knows you're already committed elsewhere and he'd have you on a no strings basis.

[namechangerextrordinaire]

bump

[bethoo]

move on. do not ruin your marriage based on memories and fantasies. we all remember our first loves but it never turns out the way we want it to. do not throw away what you have.