Old wounds and how to deal with them... (another Mum Q!)

[NCRedBreastedBirdy]

Ok, background.. I am the product of Mums first marriage, she remarried and I have a brother who is considerably younger than me (20 years )

So, my Mum changed jobs and as part of the initial setup thingy had to make a personalised intro letter to send to clients. The idea is to give a bit of background so the clients feel they "know" you . I didn't see it until long after it was done, printed and sent out. When I read it she said she was X years old and has one son who is X years old... No mention of me at all.

Now, this really upset me but I had no idea how to say anything to her, it made me feel like a second class citizen - or perhaps that I was such an embarresment to her that she did not want to have to talk about me with clients. So, I said nothing (in true Brit. still, plastered on a smile and complimented her on it!)

I know that she loves me, I know I am not an embarresment (anymore ) BUT it is 5 years on and it still upsets me. The bloomin thing is not even used any more and it is history. However, it still makes me question my realationship with her, I think perhaps she is faking our closeness a little bit...

So, it is 5 years on, should I suck it up and get over myself or should I ask her why she denied me in this way?

[NCRedBreastedBirdy]

AIBU to think that, if I posted in the AIBU topic I would actually get some responses?

[PottyCock]

I'd ask her why. Not in a confrontational way but it's otally understandable that ypu'd feel a bit about this!

[NCRedBreastedBirdy]

It is hard not to appear confrontational though, if it is something that people are uncomfortable with they seem to go straight on the defensive as if you are accusing them of something and my Mum is better at reacting like this than anyone I have yet met!

Myabe it is not worth the potential row...

[angel1976]

If you are still thinking about it 5 years on, I think it is best to get it out in the open... Otherwise, you could still be thinking about it 10/20 years on and there could be a perfectly good 'business' reason for it? And you sit there thinking the worst for 20 years? How would you feel about all that wasted time then?

[NCRedBreastedBirdy]

True Angel, you are right about wasted time. I don't let it affect our relationship as such, it is more about the I feeling I get.

I know it is not a business reason as I am in the same business!

How on earth do you start a couversation like that though? "BTW you know that thing you did 5 years ago that you don't even use anymore...." It just feels a bit foolish!

[onebatmotherofgoditschilly]

Could you say, "look, I know this happened 5 yrs ago and I've been trying to put it out of my mind but I can't seem to. It's about that letter that you sent to your new clients, where you told them you only had a son. Can you explain why you didn't mention me at all, because I felt pretty hurt?"

[NCRedBreastedBirdy]

You are right, it is simple really isn't it? I am making a mountain out of it...

I will have to work up to it though....

[onebatmotherofgoditschilly]

Oh good luck NC. These things are painful.

[angel1976]

GL NC, if it still bothers you, it obviously hit a sore spot... And you have to bring it up, even if not for the wasted time but for your own sanity! When I read your post again, it says...

"she was X years old and has one son who is X years old..."

Is it for vanity reason? Is your mum someone who does not like people to know how old she is? It might be a case of that? Also, I can imagine how it might look if you were included... For example, 'Anna is 42 years old, she has a 22-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son.' If someone sent that to me even in a professional capacity, I would wonder why there is such a big age gap between them both??? Maybe she was trying to avoid the gossip and speculation by keeping it simple as such? If she knew you were going to read it, surely if she realised that excluding you would hurt you that much, she would have pre-warned you and let you know the reasons why she did it?

Not trying to excuse her... I still think it is wrong what she did especially if she didn't discuss it with you. But am wondering if it is a moment of thoughtlessness on her part and if that's the case, it's sad it's caused you 5 years of hurt..

[honestfriend]

There are all kinds of reasons why your mum might have kept you out of her personal profile what kind of clients are they and what work does she do?
My immediate reaction is that she wants to pretend that she is either younger than she is- and can't have a daughter your age- or that for any other reason she doesn't want to let people know she has a daughter as old as you are- was she very young when she had you?
If she had you a 17 say, she might think this does not ook very good on paper when dealing with her clients. She may not want people to know she has married again.
I don't think it is a personal slight on you at all- it is to do with how she appears to her clients i think the main issue here is why she feels she needs to explain her personal background to clients- I certainly don't in the work I do! Perhaps it shows lack of sensitivity as to how you would feel.

[NCRedBreastedBirdy]

Possibly, I do get what you are both saying. However, if it were me and I had these kind of reasons (which may be vanity but are very understandable) then I would just have put [ncbirdymum] is X years old and has one daughter and one son....

I guess part of the problem is that, to me, it seems it would have been simple to make sure no-one got hurt so I wonder if she had some kind of agenda?

[angel1976]

Hi NC,

I know what you are saying as well... BUT sometimes people are just that thoughtless. They just don't think beyond practicalities and she could have been using a template (and she thought 'oh, it looks bad I have a 22-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son, I've just put down I have a 2-year-old son...') and just didn't think of the option you were proposing. I have to admit I am not a naturally tactful sort and have been known to say the certain things that come out sounding completely wrong. But I think we can all see how much it bothers you and I really think it's worth bringing it up one day with your mum. Just say 'Do you remember that letter you sent out about 5 years ago about yourself to clients? I've always wondered why I wasn't included in it? I'm really curious...' And see what she says? It's worth bringing it up, otherwise your paranoia will really get to you one day!

Ax

[honestfriend]

I agree- I think you simply have to ask her- why ever not?

I am sure it is nothing personal- it will be to do with the image she wants to give her clients. Maybe she needs to have more self-confidence and stop pretending or evading the truth, but that is another matter altogether.

[NCRedBreastedBirdy]

You are right, i need to talk to her, it is not paranoia that is making me think it strange but it is paranoia that is making me think it is something persoanl about me. She does have issues with her confidence although she has only started to admit this in the last couple of years. She does do things without thinking it all the way through and kind of expects you to just deal with it if it affects you adversley.

Ok, next time we are out for a coffee I am going to bite the bullet!

[angel1976]

Good luck NC. Let us know how it goes... Don't waste any more time!

[NCRedBreastedBirdy]

Thank you angel!