when do you know the end is nigh..?

[silentlyscreaming]

Namechanger

Been married for around 5 years and 2 lo's (3 yrs and 2 yrs) and tbhthings seem to have always been the same for dh & I.

We both wanted kids,didn't happen till after marriage and here we are..our own little happy family. Or at least thats how I thought it would be .

I gave up my job/career and independance when our 1st arrived. Joint decision and one I don't regret. Our 1st has been a dream child although our 2nd harder due to medical illness, bouts of hospital stays and generally a bad sleeper.

Sex has always been the same imo, dh wants it and I can take it or leave it although enjoy it iykiwm. I just feel im to tired,can't be bothered or there is to much to do or basically I want to sit and veg after 2 lo's all day.

I just feel dh & I are drifting apart and im starting to resent him.
I feel put upon,I can't do right and everything is always my fault. I feel that whatever happens Im waiting for dh to moan that I have done something wrong..from looking for a lost key to bathing the kids. Yeah yeah he does his fair share with the lo's but then again imo so he should, they are his dk's as well..although he's always quick to point out "No other man does this or this"

I feel he resent me when I have time away from the lo's to either get my hair or nails done or even to wash my car, like I owe him for a moments peace. YET he seems to forget the times he is working away thus eating in expensive restaurants or even when he goes out with the lads (occasionally..but still to much imo esp as his home times are not reasonable imo).

So maybe I expect to much of him, maybe we need to do more as a couple BUT esp the last few months life has been dh's work,sick lo's, hospital stays and im tired..tired in general and tired of life.

Tonight its resulted in yet another argument and dd (in bed) has heard.. She can't understand but obviolsuly hears...
What annoys me is that dh tries to make out all is ok, then once she is in bed either tries to "make up" when in my head the damage is done, it destroys me knowing that dd heard "mummy" shouting yet dh seems to see it as amunition. "oh you can never disuss" yet its him who makes me shout, he seems to have a way of making me feel inferior or like a little woman, verbal bullying I call it but he disagree's and makes out im mental..

Im just sick of feeling so sad.. Dh has not worked for the last 2 weeks and prior to that work has been erratic so guess he is in my"space" iykiwm but he still moans. He seemed very down and depressed last week yet won't get himself sorted. YET when I had pnd he basically marched me to the gp's.. Told me he couldn't cope with me !

He says he need to be working (self emp so up/down atm) and thats what makes him as he is BUT imo he's like this work or not. A negative person.

How the feck can I sleep with dh when he is so misrable etc..? He seems to think I can turn emotions on like a tap, a wife I am..not a prostitute.

He also says im boring, I do at night is watch tv or go on the internet or read..says im festering YET isn't this what 90% of couples do at night.? I don't know what he thinks we should do..? we are joe average not posh & becks.

not expecting replies but just wanted to put my thoughts down. Maybe it will help?

I love my babies so much and atm I wonder if life would be simpler if I lived alone with the lo's..? Part of me knows both sets of parents would be shocked if they knew how sad things have become...

[silentlyscreaming]

forgot, the other thing that saddens me is when dh says to me, in front of the lo's
"oh x wants dadda not mummy"s

Both lo's love us both yet when dh is home etc they both can be "dadda this" "dadda that" and dh plays on it...
He will go running to them as though he's so wanted and will look as if to say "ha"

He says he is joking but it kills me, the lo's don't understand and imo this is like emotionally bullying.

YET its a different story if the lo's wake in the night, he tuts,moans and can be awful YET the lo's don't seem to either see or realise this..

I feel I don't have time off some nights for the mere fact dh will make me feel guilty the following day,YET if I do get a lie in or a night off I get reminded constantly the next day. Surley this isn't a relationship that can continue..?

[solidgoldbrass]

Well it does sound like he is bullying you. It sounds like he thinks that he matters more than you and is superior to you - he says you are 'hard to live with' and criticises you constantly - a particular red flag is the 'no other man would do this' comment. Actually lots of men work as a team with their partners; for him to say that means he thinks that it's unusual for a man to share in the domestic shitwork and that he ought to be a) praised to the skies for doing it and b) not obliged to do it in the first place.
Is it at all feasible for you to get a job, at least a part-time one? The trouble with being a SAHP is it is all too easy for the WOHP to start to consider the SAHP his/her servant and the WOHP the 'important' person in the household.

[silentlyscreaming]

Well,I would get a job if needed BUT dh is on a good wage and we both agreed prior to lo's that I would sah.
DD is in preschool so 2 days a week I have just ds and tbh due to his medical condition etc im not keen on leaving him atm.
we also discussed another lo next year si didn;t want to work then finsish quickly iykwim.

I do feel that he thinks he's more important and there have been times that he's said things to that effect but always made out to be tongue in cheek YET there is only so many times till this starts to wear someone down.

Imo he does very little home related. I do the housework, cooking is shared ish, I sort household issues and ffs my dad has today sorted out our lounge light & bedroom light as I find it easier and quicker than asking dh .
The house has recently been decorated and I have just completed the finishing touches..fed up of asking dh. BUT I still have coat hooks etc to go up..no doubt they will sit in a bag for years...

Just annoys me,he doesn;t seem to have any buzz about him and thats not attractive for me.

I also painted out bedroom this week, again alone..daren;t ask dh as I knew the reply. "oh you will mess it up as per ususal" yeah well thanks for the support.

[solidgoldbrass]

SS, this is not about him earning enough money for you not to be struggling financially. THis about him thinking that he earns the wage therefore you are a domestic appliance.
He appears (from what you post) to hold you in contempt and think you are a 'woman', not really a human being. TBH it is very hard for a relationship to recover once that mindset has been established.
I suggested you look for a job as a way of demonstrating to yourself as much as to him that there is more to you than being his appendage.

[silentlyscreaming]

I understand that, but just feel its going against what we agreed and what we or I believe in where the lo's are concerned.

If I was to put both into nursery full/part time it would cost much more than I earned...

Also wouldn't me working add to the issues..? Even more tired, chance to see the grass is greener, less time for me and dk's..?

[anyfucker]

ss, please don't have another baby until you are in a better position.....

[silentlyscreaming]

Those are my thoughts as well.....

Thing is dh seems to brush things over then makes up and then it starts all again.
I thought the other day, in one day I can have several thoughts of "I love him" to several more of " I fecking hate him" . Not normal....

He just seems to have a way of bringing me around, by the sounds he was the same with his mum. Would drive her mad and get her annoyed then sweet talk her with a brew..I see the same thing in our relationship.

He just text me (he's downstairs) apologising and suggesting sex..I told him where to go..the reply back "it was shit while it lasted". quite sad really..

I know a factor in tonights issues (he will disagree) one of the lads suggested drinks out tonight and I wasn't happy. The dk's have been ill all week, dh has been ill all week and I feel like im coming down with something. We all all tired (sh dh keps telling me) and im up at 6.30am for swimming lessons with ds...so dispite all this dh has the energy and money to go out..?On top of this, I KNOW FOR A FACT dh would not be home at a reasonable time..try 4/5/6am...

Then he says, im moaning at him for not going out...

So he says our relationship is stale etc..yet he feels it will improve by him going out drinking..?!

[solidgoldbrass]

Oh SS he really doesn't seem to be treating you with any consideration at all.
OK while it's not unreasonable of him to want a night out, it is vv important that you get time off, too. Both of you are entitled to free time to enjoy yourselves - but I just bet he takes whatever free time he wants and won't look after the DC on his own, because 'he earns the money therefore he gets to do what he likes'.
Tell him that the relationship would improve if he did his share of domestic work and treated you with respect.
As to your agreement about being a SAHM, it doesn't matter what a couple agreed in the past, if one of them is unhappy with the situation it needs to be changed and the agreement renegotiated. THe most important thing to remember is that he is not your employer or your owner but your partner and that your wishes and feelings matter every bit as much as his do.

[BitOfFun]

I could have written your post a few years ago- I really do sympathize. We split up and I was a million times happier! Hopefully tho, this is just a down phase you can pull out of. I agree with sgb- some independence for you is key to your happiness. Would you consider a course or class if not a job? You need to get out yourself, shake things up a bit and stop having him take you for granted. I do feel for you, it is so crushing, I know. Good luck to you x

[unavailable]

I think that you both sound under pressure and in a bit of a rut. Your husband may well not appreciate how hard you work at home, but equally, do you appreciate that he may feel stressed by his work? (It can be dificult and lonely working away, not all fancy meals on expense accounts.) We all have a tendency to think the grass is greener...

I think some posters are being a bit harsh on your husband (SBS?)I dont think he sound contemptuous of you, but he does sound fraustrated and there does seem to be a pattern of you both blaming each other.Can you arrange a babysitter and go out, so you can talk honestly about how you each feel about things and maybe have some fun together.

Oh, and regarding your original question - It doesnt sound to me if the end is nigh. It just sounds as if you are two busy young parents who need to remember to talk and be nicer to each other.