How do i stop myself turning into a major nag?

[anna456]

We have an eight month old dd and recently I've found myself nagging at dh more and more. Usually because he's a bit late home from work, but also to try and get him to spend more time with dd at weekends so that they get time together and also I get a break! He says I'm chipping away at him and now I feel awful - he does so many great things for us, works so hard and is generally very thoughtful. I just can't stop myself in the heat of the moment sometimes. I want to stop nagging! Help!

[nellynaemates]

Count to 10 before you nag. I have caught myself doing this before and realised just how petty I sounded.

I pick my battles and only "nag" on the things that actually matter. Also, IME men are often sensitive about being wrong so I pick my words carefully. Usually he has no idea he's done something silly or that has irked me so I make sure I don't frame things in an accusatory way.

For the record I don't subscribe to the Stepford wife stuff from the other thread! However I do think it's worthwhile to just take a step back and consider how your partner might be feeling before nagging him about picking up socks or whatever. I don't like being nitpicked on little things so he probably doesn't either!

Then again, my partner (whilst doing his fair amount of irritating things) is also pretty wonderful at considering my feelings and doing things for me, so perhaps this is where my patience comes from...

[picmaestress]

Neither of you should use the word nag, it's vile and sexist. It's a banned word (and deed) in our house.

Think twice before launching into a diatribe and consider if you'd like to be spoken to like that. Often something only needs to be said once. There's nothing worse than being a bore. I try and stop myself at the first sign of glazed eyes or frowning from DH and ask myself if I'm being a nob.

Go easy on yourself, ask your MIL/Best friend/Sister to take your DD so you can have a break. They'll love it.

Don't have a go about long working hours. We're at the age where building a career is vitally important for your family and future. In the grand scheme of things, sometimes the main earner doesn't get to see their family as much as they'd like. That's life. ;)

[ginnny]

Ask yourself 3 questions before you start:

1. does it need saying
2. do I need to say it
3. Does it need saying now

Then by the time you've thought about it all you might decide to leave it.

However, I don't think its unreasonable for you to want him to pitch in and give you a break at weekends. Maybe you should sit down and have a chat about it when you are both calm and work out how you can sort it out so you get more of a break.

[Notquitegrownup]

I agree with PM. Ask any other family to look after your dd if you can, and treat yourself to long baths, trips to the book shop or whatever. Look after yourself, at this very stressful time. Pamper yourself, and then you may feel like pampering your dh a little too, rather than resenting what he is not doing - remember that phase sooooo well!

Oh, and if you can treat yourself to a very early night - 8pmish? - once a week or so, I found that helped me enormously to keep things in perspective.

[anna456]

Thanks all - some useful tips and ones I'll be applying from now on!

[TheGabster]

This used to be me and DH. Then we finally sat down and got wasted one night, and talked about it properly. Can thoroughly recommend it.

I explained how disappointed I was when it came to the end of the weekend and I had had no time to myself, and he explained he was concentrating on spending weekend time on fixing up the house, doing all the "manly" jobs he could before it was back to work again!

In the end, we agreed that I always get Saturday mornings to myself/he has quality time with DS. He gets up with him in the morning, does breakfast the works. I get a lay in, a shower without playing peekabo, and can go shopping if I want or just plain slob out!!! Not saying this is necessarily what you want, but it's definitely better having a standing agreement. You both know where you are/what's expected. Of course I look forward to my Saturdays now, but have found DH is really bonding with DS now and looks forward to them too - its not a chore anymore .

[WowOoo]

You've had loads of good advice here.
I'm a nag.

I write notes to dh. Often get sarcastic answers but it's quite funny and means I don't actually say anything - nagging, that is, we Do talk normally - to him and vice versa.