DH just told me he does not want to have any more children

[supadoula]

We have a girl and a boy and I have always wanted more children. I had a miscarriage last March but was always hoping we would have another child. I am obsessively broody and find it hard to put it out of my mind.
It is very difficult for me to accept his decision as I find it very selfish and it makes me angry that he just takes the decision and I have to accept it.
I am crying all the time and just feel really down.
I think we are going to go to relationship counseling but any help or advice would be very welcome.
thanks

[compo]

the thing is you are at a stalemate
he probably thinks you are being selfish disregarding his opinions
why is it so important to you?
maybe relationship counselling will help?

[myredcardigan]

What did you decide before you got married? If you agreed to stick to one then maybe YABU although broodiness can drive a woman insane. If, however, you agreed to have 2 or 3 then he is being unreasonable.

I know that personally, my urge to have a second was just as strong if not stronger than my urge to have my first.
It can't be easy.

[slayerette]

I agree with compo - I don't want to sound harsh, but why is it selfish for your DH not to want more children when you do but not selfish for you to want more children when he doesn't?

If he has said that this is his decision, then you need to talk it through with him but if you are starting from anger it might not be very productive. Counselling probably would be a good start.

[slayerette]

They have two children already, myredcardigan.

[myredcardigan]

Sorry,I see you already have two. Having a third was not such a desperation,just happened!

Seriously, have you asked him why? Does he feel your family is complete or is he feeling overwhelmed? It would help if you both understood each others feelings.

[myredcardigan]

Slayerette, surely the key is what they agreed beforehand? I'd have been very peed off had DH decided to stop earlier than we had agreed.

[scorpio1]

not everyone agrees their magic number before marriage.

[Mumfun]

So sorry your going through this. Im in exactly same position.

We are having counselling - for other stuff as well but tbh it hasnt helped the have another child disagreement. Its really killing me and I can see no way out - its an all or nothing. Sorry to be negative but it has been so hard.

DH had agreed to have number 3 but backed out because he felt that he didnt have enough space in his life - 2 kids had taken it all up and tied him down too much.

Very sad as I dont feel the same and that each child is such a joy I would like another.

Sorry dont think I will have helped you much but you arent alone!

[slayerette]

Exactly. A couple might agree they want kids but does everyone really agree exactly how many? And is neither party allowed to change their mind afterwards?

[myredcardigan]

IMO its very foolish to get married not having discussed things like amount of children, parenting views, views on schooling, whether one parent should SAH etc. But this isn't helpful to the OP.

[Flum]

I always wanted 4. We are currently expecting 3rd. DH really does not want any more after this. I am gutted but ok now obviously as expecting another baby but I think I will find it hard next year when get broody again. Maybe I won't. He has talked me round and I have accepted it.

I plan to get a puppy instead - not quite the same but.....

[supadoula]

No, we didn't have any magic number before getting married. It was very hard to convince him for child number 1 but then he just agreed that it would be nice for her to have a playmate so we had child number 2!
I think it is selfish because he does not really help with children anyway... and it's all about his convenience (he does not want sleepless nights again...)
Being pregnant, breastfeeding, cuddling and generally nurturing my children has been an amazing experience. It has turned my world upside down from a city job to a full time mum and I think that is what I am on earth for.

I just feel so sad he is denying me any hope

[HeinzEVILSight]

supa, SUCH a horrid situation to be in. There is just NO compromise with this, DH and I went through this about 4 years ago.. It was horrid. We got to the stage where he would walk in the rooma nd I would walk out. It was awful. Was a very confusing time, I felt like I loved him and hated him all at the same time. I finally decided that he wasn't going to change his mind, and one of us needed to draw a line under it, so I somehow managed to.

BUT, Dh was involved in a horrific accident and AMAZINGLY he changed his mind about having another baby, DD was born just over a yr ago.

If he hadn't near;y been killed, he would never have changed his mind about having a 3rd.

Good luck and I REALLY really feel for oyu x x

[slayerette]

And I did discuss all those things with my husband before we got married. But - being, oh I don't know, human beings - our views haven't necessarily remained fixed and inviolate over the last ten years!

[supadoula]

Heinz, this is exactly how I feel. It is very hard to have a normal conversation and we just live parallel lives at the moment.
How did you manage to accept it? I feel there is nothing that can make up for this.
We talked about having a common project but everything seems so futile to me...
Maybe we just need a holiday...

[myredcardigan]

Supa, I think you have more issues than just whether or not you have a third child. I think you need to sort out the fact that he doesn't help with the two he has.

I think perhaps in your circumstances, counselling would be good. Good luck

[HeinzEVILSight]

supa, I don't really know how I finally managed to accept it, I just did. It was v v hard, I had to force myself.

[findtheriver]

I think your post about how your life has changed radically, you have given up your city job and adore being a full time mum, explains a lot supa.

It sounds as though having children has been a life changing thing for you in a really positive way, whereas for your dh, he's carried on pretty much as before (except for the extra pressure of being sole provider).

This is a really tricky one because his feelings of not wanting any more are as valid as your desire to keep going!

The only compromise might be if you sit down and discuss how you could have another baby but do things differently. It sounds as though you are living parallel lives and not understanding eachothers pressures. However, be prepared that might mean shifting ground. I was very keen to have 3 - my dh would have happily stopped at 2, though he wasn't exactly against 3. However, we both worked which was an important factor - I think many men feel a pressure (even if they don't voice it) that they have to provide, and this can be quite tough.

I would suggest sitting down and talking it all through - is he prepared to have another in different circumstances, of is it a total no no?

[myredcardigan]

I agree with findtheriver. Maybe he sees each child as moving further away from the life you once had.

It sounds as though you have changed quite a bit since getting married. Did you discuss giving up your career beforehand? Maybe he misses the 'driven/ambitious/career minded' you. Would you consider going back p/t?

[Oblomov]

Did you discuss this prior to your Mc ?
I mean he must have been willing, for you to have conceived that third child that you then lost.
Maybe the MC has hit him harder than you think ?

[Mumfun]

Very good points by FTR

Also total respect to HEINZ for managing to live with it (wish I could) but glad you got your extra lovely DD in the end

[supadoula]

Thanks everybody and yes I agree with you FTR. We are going to counseling tonight so I hope we'll manage to clear some ground.

[ChairmumMiaow]

myredcardigan : I got married at 21 and thought I didn't want kids. DH was happy with this.

I changed in the first few years of our marriage though, and had to convince DH to have kids (he's utterly devoted to our DS now) and we're debating a second.

People do change their minds over time and what you think at 21 or 31 doesn't necessarily hold a few years later after lots of things have changed. I know our marriage wouldn't have survived if DH hadn't genuinely agreed to DS as I would have resented him, regardless of what we had agreed. It may be unfair, but its what happens when we grow up!

[supadoula]

That is true. So many things change that you can't just agree on everything before marriage, or even before children.
And if nothing was up for renogotiation, then life would be terribly boring..