I think I've been too critical of my sister in the past - how to backtrack???

[deaconblue]

My sister's children are 12 and 9 and I have been quite free with comments on their behaviour in the past, including telling them off when they are at my house. My ds is now 2 and when he behaves badly my sister shouts at him, reprimands him etc and basically butts in when I am trying to discipline him. I now understand how bloody annoying it must have been when I did this with her children in the past.
How can I explain that I don't want her to reprimand my child without being a total hypocrite?

[Scuff]

You can't.

[morningpaper]

what scuff said

[Hassled]

You're just going to have to bite the bullet and say what you've said here. It's not really a case of you being a hypocrite - you didn't know any better, and now you do.

[deaconblue]

but I need her to stop it. Am trying to deal with his smacking and throwing, but want to do it in a calm, non nagging way (trying to follow Tanya Byron mehtod) and she goes on and on at him. What if I say I know now that I was wrong to go on at her kids and that I now I have my own I realise it might have made things difficult for her so please will she not do it with mine?

[Scuff]

It's karma, baby!

Can you tell I am the first one of my siblings to have children?

[PortAndLemon]

You can't. The best you can do is a version of what you've said here, with a side-order of grovelling about your past behaviour and an appeal to your sister's better nature.

[deaconblue]

Will have to talk to her next time I see her then. Bloody hate the taste of humble pie

[MadBadandDangeroustoKnow]

I'm not convinced that you can ask her not to intervene at all, when he misbehaves at her house. Someone suggested today on another thread (see the one about taking a stick away from a child) that children need to see that it isn't only their parents who dislike or object to their unacceptable behaviour. I think that's true and that we do all have some responsibility (within bounds) to deal with bad behaviour happening around us. You're on more solid ground, I think, in saying to your sister that you want your son to hear consistent messages in a consistent style, so would she please adopt your calm and non-shouty method.

[MrsMuddle]

Are you my sister?

[deaconblue]

I think you are right madbad, it is the method rather than the discipline itself htat's the issue. Had the same problem with my mum but she's now trying to use our method - although mum does keep calling him "horrible boy" when he throws stuff, so that's another conversation I think I need to have.

[HappyWoman]

If she is only doing what she would have done with her own children then i think you really cant say much because if you do then it sounds as if you dont believe in her methods which will only fuel it more.

Could you perhaps admit that this motherhood lark is actually a lot harder than you bargined for and as she has done a good job on her little angels could she give you some tips?

I know i now have a laugh with my b and sil, as there was no way i was going to follow in their parenting ways - but oh dear i did!! Luckily we do still manage to have a laugh about it now. Well until xmas when we are still childish enough to try and get each others children the worst toys (think drums for a 1 year old and those impossible to do craft kits that create so much mess!!!).

[waffletrees]

If it is your sisters house then it is her rules.
TBH - I don't have alot of sympathy for you. You shouted at her kids so you have set the benchmark.

[PortAndLemon]

To be fair to OP, she didn't say that she shouted at her sister's children. And it's not as though she isn't disciplining her DS; her concern is that her sister "basically butts in when I am trying to discipline him".

[deaconblue]

it's at my house - both with her kids and her at mine. I didn't shout at them as I don't believe it works but did used to tell them off

[FluffyMummy123]

Message withdrawn

[deaconblue]

oh I expected nothing else tbh. I know I've been a bit of a cow about my nephew in the past, although he is blardy annoying. As I said in the op I know I'm in the wrong but I need to be able to discipline ds in a way which I believe will work and am sure that the shouty approach will give him negative attention and so undermine what I'm trying to do. The smacking has been bloody awful over the past fortnight so it's soooo important that I make some progress with him.

[Twelvelegs]

Of course you should tell her and the fact you did it to hers give you a great start for the talk. "Oh gosh I now realise how awful it must have been for you when I......" followed by can we have a couple of guidelines for eachother about where we stand please, so I don't like you shouting at my child, and I won't shout at yours. Also tell her how you would like to discipline your ds on smacking (they all do it, don't be too hard and he will keep doing it!!) as you feel a consistent approach is needed.
She's your sister it can't be as bad as you think to approach her, good luck!!

[whatdayisit]

I have always had a very firm rule never to comment on anyonelse's parenting/children until I've been through that stage myself. Sorry, but you're getting what you deserve. I think your sister deserves a medal if she's put up with you doing this for 12 years.

My sister and esp her husband have been very critical of my children's behaviour in the past (2 lively boys being boys imo) now they have 2 boys 17 moths apart - I can't wait until they're doing terrible twos x 2 I'm not as horrid as that makes me sounds but they have had me in tears about my "uncontrollable sons" who are actually perfectly normal.