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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I told dp that I hate him, but I don't.

14 replies

Saidadreadfulthing · 27/05/2008 20:19

Today dd (2) ran out of our house and into the road. She ran out behind our car and could very easily have been knocked over by a car as our road is quite busy. This was when I was locking the door so that we could go out in the car. I was understandably upset.

When dp came home I told him and he went off it, all about how did this happen, what were you doing why weren't you watching her etc etc. Very angry. Now I hadn't exactly said "off you go and play with the cars" so I was pissed off by his assumptiuon that it was all my fault. I was also annoyed because at Xmas fil gave dp £3500 to have gates fitted to our drive or a porch or something to stop dd from doing this. I was very grateful but dp has done nothing about it, in fact I think that he has spent the money on a car.

This comes on top of resentment from me that has been building re the way that our finances are organised. At the moment every bill comes out of my current account. Dp v.occaisionaly either gives me some cash or does the food shopping. We have a large mortgage so our monthly outgoings add up to quite a lot (I know it's not done on mnet to be specific re figures). I do earn significantly more than dp but I'm increasingly annoyed that he seems to spend all of his salary on him whilst the vast majority of my income, particularly with all of the recent price rises, goes on household/family stuff. Whenever I have tried to discuss this before it has ended in a nasty arguement where he accuses me of trying to humiliate him. I'm not, I just want a fair contribution.

Anyway, this all builyt up and in the row about dd I told him that I hated him. Now I know that I was very wrong to say this and it's not true but now he has gone out and I'm not sure when he will be back. I have apologised to him and in a text but I've also said how angry and resentful I'm feeling. I'd really appreciate some advice in how to take this forward.

Thanks wise ones.

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Saidadreadfulthing · 27/05/2008 20:20

Sorry for crap punctuation and spelling.

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millie865 · 27/05/2008 20:35

It's difficult to know how to deal with it without knowing how big a deal it is for both of you. Some people say all sorts in rows and then move on - others have lines that they just do not cross. I both can work, so long as you both are happy with it.

I think it might be best to deal with the row and appology seperately from the money issue. Give him time to cool down, make up and then sit down for a serious talk about money.

Is there a reason why you don't have a joint account? I don't think there is one ideal way to organise finances, but I do think that in a partnership each partner should think it is fair - and that probably means having roughly equal amounts of money to spend on themselves.

Could you pool all your money, pay bills out of that and then split what is left? Then its not about his contribution to you, or yours to him but about sharing.

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Saidadreadfulthing · 27/05/2008 20:38

That's what I want to do re the money. Each of us agree an equal amount for personal spending and the rest of both our incomes goes towards our expenses and joint savings.

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hls · 27/05/2008 20:38

Don't beat yourself up too much over what you said- we all say things in temper.

How long have you been together? Do you have a joint account? Can you sit down and make a list of your incomings and outgoings and budget- so that each of you contributes and also has money left of you "own"?

What sort of split with money would you like? eg. 75% of yours towards household bills and 50% of his, if he earns less.

It is a personal choice, but could you both put money into a joint account for the mortgage, bills etc etc ?

Are you not spending on yourself 'cos there is no money left, or because you feel guilty over it?

Re. the safety gates- can't you organise that yourself if the money was allocated/given for that?

It does sound as if he is being irresponsible and a bit selfish. He maybe has an issue with your earning more- but on the other hand it gives him a it of a cop-out not to contribute much and spend it on himself!

Evidently,more marriages end over money rows than anything- so it is worth talking and getting an agreement.

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Saidadreadfulthing · 27/05/2008 20:40

The money for the gates was given to dp, I have no access to it.

I think that he does have an issue with me earning more but there is nothing that I can do about that.

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hls · 27/05/2008 22:14

True- but you could talk to him and try to get him to open up about WHY he has a problem with it.

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NotQuiteCockney · 27/05/2008 22:18

If you regret saying what you said, and it's not true, then you need to tell him as much. Loud and clear. Particularly if you're both not in the habit of saying these sorts of things in temper. (I know some people say horrible things in fights and it's ok, they both know they don't mean it. It doesn't sound like you guys work that way, though.)

The thing is, as you say, you can't do anything about him having an issue with you earning more money. But if you can both acknowledge that he feels that way, it might help?

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Saidadreadfulthing · 27/05/2008 22:37

I haven't been able to speak to him yet as he won't answer my calls.

Looking at my phone it seems like the long text I thought I had sent about how I was feeling resentful etc may not have actually gone. This may be a good thing, I'm not sure.

NQC, you are right, we don't say terrible things when we argue in fact I really hate arguments and tend to feel very anxious and fearful that any harsh words said imply rejection so I know how upset I would feel if he said this to me and I agree, I need to let him know that I don't mean it.

I really want to resolve this; the money thing and the thins I said. I feel like money is the only only reall area of disagreement between us but rather than this being vocalised I've become too scared of the arugment that addressing it as an issue would mean but it hasn't gone away, it's become the elelephant in the room and I've become increasingly resentful . I do love him though, just need to work through this.

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Saidadreadfulthing · 28/05/2008 00:00

Still not home and no answer to my calls .

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NotQuiteCockney · 28/05/2008 07:55

Did he come home?

Is Relate or similar an option? Money is a really common area of problems for couples, although it often represents other things, iyswim.

I don't think explaining complicated and difficult things by text is a good idea, generally - better to do it calmly, face to face.

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Saidadreadfulthing · 28/05/2008 12:41

No, he didn't come home, he probably stayed at his parents.

I've just tried to ring him to check that he will pick dd up from nursery but he hasn't answered. I sent him a text about it instead and I will try to ring him after lunch to check he has got the message.

Feeling really .

I was thinking about Relate last night but I'm not sure how he would take the idea, I think he would feel that I wanted us to split up when nothing could be further from the truth. I want a united future for us as a family and I suppose that I worry that heis very "separate" attitude to our finances means that this isn't what he wants/how he sees things .

Will be back for more advice later no doubt.
Thanks for help so far.

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bentneckwine1 · 28/05/2008 15:03

Just a thought...your DP probably felt so guilty when you told him about lo running out into the road...he knows he was given the money to make sure that his daughter was safe and that for whatever reason he allowed her to continue being at risk!

By turning the whole arguement into one about your money it salves his conscience...here's hoping if he is at his parents they will make him feel guilty again about squandering the money they gave him for the gates and he might start to understand that he was in the wrong here.

Hope things are looking up today...

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Saidadreadfulthing · 28/05/2008 20:34

Things are better today. He has taken on board my apology.

I wrote him a list of all our joint expenses with amounts next to them so that he could see how much everything is. He agrees in principle to the way that I think we should have our finances arranged and he has organised for someone to come out and measure up for gates etc.

Bentneck, I think that you are spot on re why he was so angry, I told him last night that I thought he was angry with me because it was easier than being angry with himself.

I hope that things do actually improve as I feel really stressed out about it at the moment and I don't feel that it's something that I can talk about in rl.

Thanks.