DD 17 hates me and has told friends' parents lies

[nearlybonkers]

Is there any point trying to get my 17 DD to see how exhausted I am, and that's why I lost it at the weekend. See My DD has said she hates me and wants me dead in teenagers.

She has no idea how hard I have to work. The following is all slightly wrong to protect the people I work with:

Let's imagine I'm a mental health worker, who works long shifts, sometimes doing heavy work, sometimes standing for many hours, sometimes being shouted at by people who are mentally ill, relatives (who may be ill or stressed) and trying to support professionals who frequently fall into depression, but will never admit it because of the job. Now let's imagine coming home to a teenage DD who then demands to be driven places, tells me that shes had a terrible day at college, shes exhausted, that YOU are always exhausted that's your excuse. She won't help at all, and I've accepted that until the AS exams are over that's ok, but yes at the weekend, on a night when I knew I wouldn't need to drive or work the next day, or anything, I drank too much shouted at my partner because of the trust issues (affair and still working with her). How can I get DD to see me as human but not keep comparing me to alcoholics, crack addicts or skunk users?

[pigleto]

Your dd sounds completely normal. You sound at the end of your tether. I think the problem is more about your dp or your job than your dd. At least that is what the post says to me.

[littlewoman]

I don't mean to be rude, but the OP isn't very clear as to what you are upset about. Did she tell you off for shouting at your DP when you'd had a few drinks, or did she want driving somewhere when you thought you didn't have to do anything that day?

[Baffy]

agree with pigleto

you sound under immense strain. do you have anyone who is helping you deal with everything. the trust issues, the aftermath of the affair, the stress from your job?? a counsellor maybe? I really think you need someone there just for you. Someone to listen and help you.

As for your dd - I can't imagine how awful it is for you. But you can't expect her to understand. She doesn't have the life experience and ability to process your needs/issues alongside her own. In a few years she will look back on her behaviour and be ashamed of herself, I'm sure of it. Especially once she has her own children.

I can only talk from experience. But I had no idea what my mum went through when I was a teenager. She would tell me. But it never sunk in. All I could focus on was my world and the impact on me.

It's only now I've grown up that I appreciate the immense strain my mum was under and the sacrifices she made for me.

Perhaps try to shift the focus away from your dd and onto yourself. You sound like you really need help and support for yourself and you deserve that support. If you can't get it from your family then perhaps a counsellor/gp/close friend could be the way forward for you.

Take care

[littlewoman]

I do agree with that Baffy. Teenagers are the most self-absorbed so and so's. At that age the whole world revolved around me, and my only job was to stare in the mirror admiring my own fabulousness.

Next time she tells you she's exhausted (and she might well be, even though it's not likely she's as exhausted as you, it's entirely possible she might be tired) why don't you suggest getting the footbath out together or doing something relaxing together?

She might not understand your point of view, but if you try to understand her's she is much more likely to try to sympathise with you too.

[nearlybonkers]

I'm upset cos I guess I just want her to still like me. My DP went to pick her up, telling her he wanted to pick her up now around 7.30pm and she wanted to stay at her friends till later, he told her mum can't pick you up because she been drinking wine. She stormed into the room and called me a drunk. I lost my temper and yelled at DP, asking what he had said and then we had a row about him still working with the women he had affair with. My dad left my mum and my sister when we were under 10, before tax credit or children's allowance. We had to phone my dad to ask for the cheque. I have kept some money separate from joint accounts cos I never want to be that vulnerable. She can't understand that. In the family there are GParents or cousins who would give her a roof. No one in my mum's family had any money, when I was left with my mum they tried to cut the gas off cos of unpaid bills but as there were children in the house they didn't. These sort of life events have effected me but DD doesn't want to know anymore. Thinks I'm selfish and mean when I won't pay for all the expensive stuff she demands. Any clearer now?

[gagarin]

Sorry but this is all normal!

Your DD is a seethling mass of ego. She comes first in her eyes and anything that thwarts her desires will make her explode with rage. She's reverted back to toddler tantrums. That's what teenagers do.

On the other hand she does not want to hear anything about her parents's personal, emotional or sex lives while she is still learning about her own.

To know about your DP's affair has probably been awful for her; you rowing about it is also prob too much for her to bear.

And the fact that parents have to nerve to drink too much to drive her about without telling her first - (you could have texted before the second glass to warn her?) will be enough to send her over the edge.

She prob feels like you do. Life just isn't fair?

[nearlybonkers]

Gagarin, thank you. I have LOL for the first time since this happened. And I have had a few sessions with a counsellor but could never be as honest as I am on MN.

[titchy]

I think you are expecting far too much of her tbh. (And I don't have teenagers so feel free to ignore! - Although I was one once ).

There is no way on earth she will or should be expected to empathise with the way you were brought up, or the effect it has had on you. Most adults would have difficulty really understanding what it was like to be in your shoes. She only understands herself (and let's face it the teenage yeasr are really about learning to understand yourself, so she doesn't even do that fully yet). It's not until they (we) have really learned who we are and begun to be comfortbale with who we are that we can start truly empathising and trying to understand others.

Likewise she certainly should NOT be aware of your dp's affair or any other issues in your relationship. She is not a friend you can unburden yourself on, and has no real knowledge of long term relationships, parenthood or adultery. Keep this information/empathy seeking to adults only.

Do as LW suggests and do a few nice things together, empathise with her (but DON'T expect it to be given in return).

When she is in a calm mood discuss some ground rules so that you both know where you are i.e. 'If you make arrangements to go to someone's house I will pick you up at a pre-set time. If the arrangement is very last minute however I may have other plans or things going on so you either make your own way back or I pick you up at my convenience.'
On the plus side she has none of the negativity or your childhood situation, and obviously feels secure enough to lash out at you, so well done for that!

Don't expect her to be your friend - you're not a teenager and she will NOT want a 40 or 50 something year old woman as a friend.

Your issues around work and your dp are that - yours (and his), and I think these need resolving rather than blaming your woes on your 17 year old who doesn't understand the stress you're under.

HTH

[pigleto]

You sound as though you had a tough time growing up NB, you have done well protecting your daughter from similar experiences. Just don't expect her to be grateful until she is at least 25.

[titchy]

25 at least! My mum still moans that I never appreciated how hard it was for her and I'm 40!!!!!

[edam]

Your dd thinks the world revolves around her. How DARE you have a drink when SHE needs picking up at a time that suits her? Very self-centred but not uncommon for a teenager. You can try to make her understand your point of view but it's unlikely to work. Your best bet, I think, is to avoid being drawn into any arguments as far as possible, just keep repeating 'I can't pick you up, I'm afraid, that's just how it is' or however you choose to phrase it.'

[littlewoman]

Strange how she never exploded at your dh for picking her up early though.

Why does it have to be YOUR fault that she couldn't be picked up later? She has two parents that weren't going to pick her up later. Why pick on you?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Is it only girls that behave like this? Because I've had three DSs pass through their teens so far (with one more about to) and haven't had that kind of childish, self-centred reaction since they hit double figures. Possibly because they know just how far it would get them. I suspect this makes me A Bad Mummy, but it's sure made my life quieter...

[littlewoman]

My girls are blooming awful. I'm their personal taxi service, and I heartily suspect that it's my own fault. But you worry about girls walking on their own don't you? Perhaps they do get more pandered than boys.

[Anniegetyourgun]

They do, we seem to think of them as more fragile - against all the evidence imo!